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- ^\ XV 



PARLOR 



ACTING CHARADES, 



INTENDED SOLELY FOB 



PERFORMANCE IN THE DRAWING ROOM, AND REQUIRING 

NO EXPENSIVE SCENERY OR PROPERTIES 

TO RENDER THEM EFFECTIVE. 



By S. A." FROST, 

AUTHOR OF "AMATEUR THEATRICALS," "FROST'S BOOK OF TABLEAUX AND 

SHADOW PANTOMIMES," "FROST'S DIALOGUES 

FOR YOUNG FOLKS," ETO. 






NEW YORK: 

DICK & FITZGERALD, PUBLISHERS, 

No. 18 Ann Street. 






* v ;.u 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1866, by 

DICK & FITZGERALD, 

in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for the 
Southern District of New York. 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1876, by 

DICK & FITZGERALD, 

In the Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. 



I ?* 



PREFACE. 



In days gone by, "Charades" were rarely anything better 
than an impromptu pastime, crude in conception, incomplete in 
detail, and sometimes far from satisfactory in results ; funny 
enough, perhaps, but "only this and nothing more." 

The increasing taste for Amateur Theatricals has transformed 
the old pastime into a well-prepared performance, and the " Act- 
ting Charade" of to-day is a complete amateur dramatic 
entertainment. There is, in consequence, a growing demand for 
really good, sensible " Charades " for parlor performance, which 
should afford some opportunity for the performers to exhibit 
their talents, and, at the same time, exercise the ingenuity of 
the audience in guessing the '• Word" which the different scenes 
are intended to spell out. 

The Charades presented in this book were written exactly 
with that object, and formed, with a variety of other dramatic 
pieces, the attractive little volume known under the name of 
"The Parlor Stage." The acknowledged excellence of the 
"Acting Charades" contained in the latter book was deemed 
sufficient grounds for giving them, at a merely nominal price, a 
much wider field of circulation than the cost of "The Parlor 
Stage " would allow. The pieces are entirely original, are intend- 
ed solely for parlor performance, and require but little trouble or 
expense to render them effective. The plots are simple and in- 
telligible, the dresses are almost all of the present day, and the 
properties such as are to be found in every well-appointed 
house, with the single exception of a curtain. This can be put up 
at a very trifling expense, and where there are folding or sliding 
doors, can be entirely dispensed with. 



CONTENTS. 



PAGE 
Matrimony 7 

Misfortune 23 

Stage-struck 41 

Marplot 59 

Mad-cap 75 

Inconstant 89 

Domestic 103 

Purse-proud 115 

Bridegroom 129 

Mistake , 139 

Manage 153 

Masquerade 169 



MATRIMONY 



CHAEACTEBS. 

Count Lorenzo de Vaueien, a foreign Nobleman, alias John 

Brown, a barber. 
Charles Harper, Mrs. Hamilton's nephew. 
Dennis, the Irishman as does the waiting. 
Mrs. Hamilton, a rich widow. 
Arabella, ) ^ Daughters . 
Ellen, J 
Katie, the lady's " laid. 



PEOPEBTIES. 



Chairs, Sofa, Table, Looking-glass, Books on table, Pamphlet 
Novel, Duster, Bell, Basket of Sewing. 

Valises, Carpet-bags, Band-boxes, Shawls, Umbrellas, Cloaks, as 
many as a man can possibly carry. 



MATRIMONY. 



Scene I. [Ma.} 

Mrs. Hamilton's parlor. A table in the centre of room, with a look- 

ing-glass upon it. A pamphlet novel hidden under the table. Two 

chairs, and a sofa. 
Curtain rises, discovering Arabella richly dressed, standing befwe 

the glass arranging her dress. Ellen, dressed in simple white, on 

the sofa, reading. 

Arabella. Nellie, are you ready ? 

Ellen. Yes, Bella, and almost weary of waiting. You 
were fully three hours dressing. It is very tiresome to go 
to parties of this kind so late. 

Arabella. Late ? Why 'tis only ten o'clock ! One 
makes more of a sensation by coming in after the company 
have assembled. It is so delightful to sweep up the* room, 
hearing on all sides, ""What a glorious creature !" "A. 
£>erfect Juno!" "Who is she?" Oh, Nellie! this is 
indeed perfect enjoyment. 

Ellen. Is it ? Well, I wish ma would come. I am 
sure it is fully late enough now. 

Miter Mrs. Haiuxlton and Katie, carrying shawls, hoods, and 

gloves. 

Mrs. Hamilton. Are you ready, girls ? My dear Ara- 
bella, you are superb to-night. Ah, Nellie ! are you there ? 
Why, how simply you are dressed, my love ! Why do you 
not wear your rubies ? 

Arabella. Nellie lent them to me, ma, to be reset in 



10 MATRIMONY. 

my crown for the fancy party to-morrow evening. You 
know we concluded that Josephine, as an empress, must 
wear only real jewels. 

Mrs. Hamilton. Ah, yes, I remember. Now, girls, 
recollect all I told you this afternoon. You are to meet, 
this evening, Count de Yaurien, who is the parti, this win- 
ter. He is handsome, titled, and very wealthy. Be sure 
you exert yourselves. I am very anxious to secure him for 
one or the other of you, and to do this you must aid me. 

Arabella. Oh, indeed we will, ma ! Countess de 
Vaurien ! My heart throbs at the mere mention of it. 

Mrs. Hamilton. You, too, Ellen. He may prefer sweet 
simplicity. Be sure you encourage any attentions. 

Ellen. Y-e-e-s, ma, [Aside.] Dear Charles! 

Enter Dennis. 

Dennis. Af yees plase, the carridge is coom. [Exit, 

Mrs. Hamilton. Yery well, Dennis. Dear me ! I have 
forgotten my fan. Go to my room, Katie. No, come 
with me ; I can find it sooner myself, and I want you to 
arrange my shawl. 

[Exeunt Mrs. Hamilton and Katie. 

Arabella. Oh, how my heart throbs with delightful 
anticipations ! Nellie dear, will you arrange my cloak ? 
Dear me ! don't pitch it at me ! How absent-minded you 
are! So! That's it! Thank you! 

Ellen. How particular you are about your cloak and 
hood. 

Arabella. Yes, I am. Because, my sweet simplicity, 
one may meet one's fate in the hall, and first impressions 
are so powerful. 

Ente7- Katie. 
Katie. Your ma is in the carriage, waiting for you, 
young ladies. 



MATRIMONY. 11 

Arabella. Come, Nellie, you can put on your shawl in 
the hall. [Exit. 

Katie. Stop, Miss Ellen, let me fix you. My, how 
sweet you do look ! There, now you are all ready. You 
look as pretty as Miss Bella, with all her jewelry. 

Eluen. Pshaw ! Give me my gloves. 

Katie. Miss Ellen, Mr. Charles left a bouquet in the 
vase on the stairs for you. You were dressing when Le 
called, and he had not time to wait. He's uncommon fond 
of you, miss. 

Eileen. Nonsense ! What would ma say ? She's wait- 
ing. Good night, Katie ! [Exit. 

Katie. Good night, miss ! What would ma say ? Well, 
whatever she'd say you'd do, that's certain ; for if she aint 
captain in this family, I'm mistaken. [ Takes the novel from 
under the table.'] Now they're all gone, and they won't be 
home till two or three o'clock, so I'll just finish the " Wast- 
ed Heart and Blighted Hopes." It's such a sweet story. 
[Reads.] "The situation of the lovers was now truly 
critical." Oh, how interesting! "Edgardo was nearly 
distracted at discovering his mother." Oh my ! he's got a 
ma, too ! 

Enter Dennis. 

Dennis. Arrah, Katie, is it there ye are ? 

Katie. No, sir, it's here I am. 

Dennis. Sure, it's lighting the parlor ye are with your 
purty eyes ! 

Katie. Blarney ! What do you want ? 

Dennis. Sure, Katie, it's you I want. 

Katie. Well, you aint the first that's wanted me. What 
else? 

Dennis. Katie, sure you're my heart's desire. Katie, 
arrah, darlint, don't you think you could love me just a 
little wee bit ? 



12 MATPJMONY. 

Katie. I never tried. 

Dennis. Won't you thry ? Sure, Katie, it's loving you 
I am from the bottom of my heart. 

Katie. Do you love me, Dennis ? 

Dennis. Don't I, just ? [Kisses Iter. 

Katie. Oh, Dennis ! what would ma say ? 

Dennis. I thought you were an orphan, Katie, and 
hadn't any ma ! 

Katie. So I am. I was only quotationing from Miss 
Ellen. Dennis ! 

Dennis. Well, darlint ! 

Katie. Come with me into the pantry, I've got the 
most beautiful little supper for you. 

Dennis. Mavourneen, you're the jewel of the world ! 

Katie. Oysters, Dennis, and waffles ! Come ! 

[JExeunt. Curtain falls. 



Scene II. — Same as first. [Try.] 
Ourtain rises, discovering Katie dusting. 

Katie. Oh dear, how tired I am, to be sure ! Up every 
night till two or three in the morning, when the young 
ladies come home from the grand parties, and Miss Bella 
won't let anybody touch her hair but me. Miss Ellen, 
bless her heart ! aint never no trouble to nobody ; but 
Miss Bella always comes home as cross as a bear. Nobody 
but a lady's maid knows the trials of the situation. There's 
that Count comes here a sparking Miss Bella, with mous- 
taches all over his face; he's as imperent. Tried to kiss 
me last night. The idea ! It was well for him Dennis 

wasn't about. If it had been Mr. Charles Somebody's 

coming ! 



MATRIMONY. 13 

Enter Charles Harper. 
Charles. Ah, Katie, good morning ! Ladies at home ? 

Katie. Good morning, sir ! Mrs. Hamilton's gone with 
that Count to see some pictures, and Miss Bella's gone with 
her. 

Chakles. Ah, gone with Count de Vaurien, have they ? 
But Nellie— Miss Ellen, I mean ? 

Katie. Land, sir, you needn't mind me. You can call 
her Nellie, if it's any relief to your f eelings. [Sighs. 

Chakles. "Why, Katie, what are you sighing for ? 
Come, cheer up, and tell me something. Miss Ellen goes 
out a great deal lately, don't she ? 

Katie. Yes, poor thing ! 

Charles. Poor thing ! Why, doesn't she enjoy it ? 

Katie. No, sir. Miss Ellen aint of a festivitous disposi- 
tion. She's like Henrietta Ophelia Seraphina Georgiana, 
in the " Wasted Heart and Blighted Hopes ;" she 

Charles. Why, Katie, do you read novels ? 

Katie. Yes, if you please, sir, when the ladies is out in 
the evening. I'm waiting for my fate, Mr. Charles, but 
he's orful long acoming. 

Charles. Katie, tell me, do you think Miss Ellen likes 
anybody in particular ? 

Katie. Oh yes, sir ; she's uncommon fond of her ma. 

Charles. But I mean any gentleman. Now I know a 
young gentleman that's very much attached to Miss Ellen, 
and he's afraid to tell her so. 

Katie. Oh my, how bashful, to be sure ! 

Charles. You see, Katie, he's afraid to try. 

Katie. Oh, he'd better try, sir. I'd advise him to try, 
Though 'taint no use. Miss Ellen's in love with some- 
body else. 



14 MATRIMONY. 

Charles, (furiously.) Somebody else ! Who is it ? the 
puppy ! I'll wring his neck. 

Katie, [aside. ) I knew I'd make him own up. He's in 

love with her himself, and I know she loves him. Shall I 

tell him to try his luck ? I will. [Aloud.'] Lor, Mr. 

Charles, you must be uncommon fond of that gentleman 

1 you was mentioning ! 

Charles, [aside.) She's not such a fool, after all. I'll 
coax her. [Alo ud, putting his arm around her waist. ] Katie, 
my dear Katie. You're a good girl. You're very fond of 
Miss Ellen, are you not ? I am sure you are a good girl, 
Katie. 

Katie, [aside.) Blarney ! Wonder what's coming now ? 

Charles. Katie, what pretty lips you have ! I quite 
long to taste them. May I try ? 

Katie, [stepping away from him.) Oh, Mr. Charles, how 
you talk ! There's nobody round, and I know you won't 
take advantage of my being alone. 

Charles. Not for the world ! 

Katie, [wiping her lips.) You're stronger than I am, to 
be sure, Mr. Charles. 

Charles, [aside.) I wonder, now, if Ellen is out. I 
shouldn't like her to catch me kissing Katie. [Aloud.] 
You are very cruel to refuse me just one kiss. 

Katie, [aside.) Stupid ! Why don't he take it ? 

Charles. Katie, tell me. You think Miss Ellen is in 
love ? I've half a mind to try for that kiss. 

Katie. You shan't have it ! Yes, Mr. Charles, I think 
Miss Ellen is in love. [Aside.] And if I don't torment 
you, I'm mistaken. 

Charles, [despairingly.) Ah, I see how it is ! That vil- 
lainous Count has had the whole field to himself, and he 
has won her. Cruel, cruel girl ! [Sits down, sighing. 



MATRIMONY. 15 

Katie, (aside.) Well, I am of a forgiving disposition. 
I'll ease his mind. [Aloud.] Mr. Charles, are you in love 
with Miss Ellen ? 

Charles. Yes, Katie, I love her devotedly ! 

Katie. Well, Mr. Charles, just you try your luck. I 
don't tell you nothing, but just you try. 

Charles. And you tlimk- 

Katie: Lor, sir, I don't think. I aint of age, and aint 
got no right to think. But — Miss Ellen loves somebody 
not a thousand miles off. 

Charles, (starting up joyfully. ) Katie, I must have that 
kiss. 

Katie, (running off. ) Catch me, then ! 

Enter Dennis. 
Charles. I'll try. [Runs against Dennis. 

Dennis, (opening his arms.) Sure, Misther Charles, do 
you want to embrace me ? I'm willing, sir. 

Charles. So, Dennis, you are taking care of Katie, are 
you? 

Dennis. Sure, sir, I'm hoping to do that same when 
we've money enough laid up. 

r Charles, (giving him money.) Well, add that to your 
1 stock. 

Dennis, (bowing.) Sure, good luck till ye, sir. May 
ye have the beautiful girl ye've got in your own eye, sir, 
for a wife. 

Charles, (laughing.) Amen! Take care of Katie, Den- 
nis ; she's a good girl. 

Dennis. Sure, sir, I'll thry. [Curtain falls. 



16 MATKLMONY. 

Scene III. — Same as before. [Money.] 

Enter Mrs. Hamilton and Arabella. 

Mrs. Hamilton. "Well, my love ! Count de Yaurien 
will soon be here, to have a private interview with me. He 
asked permission last evening, while you were dancing 
with your cousin Charles. Of course he has proposed ? 

Arabella. Oh yes, last evening, in the conservatory. 
I was bashful, reluctant, of course ; but referred him to 
you. Oh ma, what a puppy he is ! 

Mrs. Hamilton. Yes, my love, but so rich ! Mrs. 
Grundy says he counts his money by hundreds of thou- 
sands. [Bell rings.] Ah, there he is ! I will go up stairs, 
love ! Let him see you a moment alone : it will inspire 
him. [Exit 

Arabella. Dear me, it is very tiresome to marry that 
conceited puppy ! but then, as ma says, he is very wealthy. 

Katie, (behind the scenes.) If you try to kiss me again, 
sir, I'll tell Dennis ! 

Count, (behind the scenes.) Ah, my sharming Katie ! you 
vill not have ze cruelty. 

Arabella. So ! flirting with Katie ! Just wait till we're 

married, sir, and then if you kiss my maid ! He's 

coming ! 

Enter Count de Yaurien. 

Count, (in broken' English.) Ah, my angel, have I ze 
felicite to see you zis morning ? Je suis charme. You 
have ze goodness to look at me viz zoze dazzling orbs. Ah, 
zey are magnifique, angelique. 

Arabella. Ah, Count, I fear you are a sad flatterer ! 

Count. My life ! To flatter you would be, as ze Guil- 
liamnie Shakspeare do say, to put ze silvere on ze fine gold ; 
to mettez ze rouge on ze lily ; to sprinkle ze — how you call 



MATRIMONY. 17 

him ? — ze — ze violet viz ze eau de Cologne. Ah, perfection 
cannot be flattered ! 

Akabella, {affectedly.) Dearest Lorenzo, you quite 
overpov/er me ! 

Count. Can I have ze plaisir to see your charmante 
mamma ? I cannot rest till I have ask her consent to — my 
life — to call you mine. 

Arabella, [bashfully.) Oh, Count ! I -will tell mamma 
you are here. | Count kisses her hand. 

[Exit ARABELLA. 

Count, (in good English.) John Brown, you are in luck ! 
■That splendid creature fairly idolizes you. Think of being 
her husband, and fingering the rocks old Hamilton left ! 
To be sure, it is a sacrifice for a man of your attractions to 
settle down to a married life ; but, the money, old boy, the 
money ! 

Enter Katie. 

Katie. If you please, sir, Mrs. Hamilton's waiting for 
you in the library. I'll show you the way. [Exit. 

Count, (in broken English.) I come, most sharming 
Katie. [Exit. 

Enter Charles Harpek. 

Charles. It is all over. The lawsuit upon which my 
whole fortune depended was decided against me this morn- 
ing. I am penniless ; and Ellen — ah, I dare not think of 

her ! [Sits down sadly. 

Enter Ellen. 

Ellen. You here, Charles ? Why, cousin, what's the 
matter ? 

Charles. My lawsuit was decided against me this 
morning. 

Ellen. Is that all ? 
2 



18 



MATRIMONY. 



Charles. All ! Why, is not that enough? I am a beggar. 

Ellen. Dear Charles, how absurd ! A young man, in 
health, and with a profession and talent, to talk of being a 
beggar ! Fie, cousin ! I thought you were braver. 

Charles. That is not the worst. [Pathetically.'] My 
dearest hopes are blighted. 

Ellen, [mocking him. ) Blighted, are they ? Come, 
cousin, cheer up ! Tell me your troubles. 

Charles. I will ! You shall be my confidante. Know 
then, dear Ellen, I am in love. 

Ellen, (turning away.) You, cousin ? 

Charles. Yes, with the sweetest angel the sun ever 
shone upon. I love her to distraction, and now I must 
resign her. 

Ellen, (trembling.) Why, cousin ? 

Charles. Can I ask her to share poverty, perhaps toil ? 
Never ! 

Ellen, (much agitated. ) If she loves you 

Charles, (looking at her keenly.) I do not even know 
that. I have never dared to ask her, and now — how can I 
propose to her to share my lot ? 

Ellen, (standing erect, facing him, and speaking in a 
Jlrm voice.) If she loves you, cousin, she will never ask 
whether you are rich or poor. If the loss of your fortune 
will influence her, she is unworthy of you. Go to her 
bravely — tell her all. Test her love, and — [in a lower tone] 
— and may all success attend you, cousin ; and [agitated] 
may you be very happy, Charles. [ Turns to leave him. 

Charles (stopping her. ) Stay, Nellie. See how well I 
follow your advice. I stand bravely before you. You 
know how poor I am, yet I dare to say — I love you. 

Ellen, (joyfully.) Love me ? 

Charles. Have you not seen it ? 



MATRIMONY. 19 

Ellen, (embarrassed.) I thought — I — I hoped — I — I— * 
feared — I 

Charles. You loved ? Thinking, hoping, fearing, are 
all symptoms of that blessed state of existence. You love 
ine, then, in spite of poverty ? 

Ellen. It is you I love, Charles, not your money. 

Enter Katie, singing. 
Charles, (embracing Ellen.) My own dear love ! My 
dearest Ellen ! 

Katie. Oh, land ! I hope T aint intruding ? 
Charles. Come Ellen, we will find your mother. 

[Exeunt Charles and Ellen. 

Katie. Come, Ellen, we will find your mother ! It 
appears to me the old lady is in demand to-day. I've half 
a mind to marry Dennis, if it's only to be in the fashion. 
He told me last night he had a little money laid up, and 
I've got a little, and as two littles make a much, I think 

we might manage to Well, I'll see this evening. 

[Curtain falls. 



Scene IY. — Same as before. [Matrimony.] 
Curtain rises, discovering Mrs. Hamilton, sewing. 

Mrs. Hamilton. "Well, my children will be at home to- 
day, after their wedding tour. I long to see my daughter 
;the Countess, and poor dear Nellie. It was quite a trial to 
have her marry my nephew, after his loss ; but then it is a 
great relief to have one's daughters fairly launched into 
matrimony. 

Enter Dennis and Katie. 

Well, Katie, what is wanted ? 

Katie. If you please, Dennis and I would like to give 
warning, mum. 



20 



MATRIMONY. 



Mrs. Hamilton. Warning, Katie ? Why, don't you 
like the place ? 

Dennis. If you plase, marm, Katie's going to be "mar- 
ried to me. 

Mrs. Hamilton. To you ! Why, Dennis, when you 
came here, you said Katie was your sister. 

Dennis, {scratching his head. ) Well, marm, you see we're 
all one large family, since Adam and Eve, and if you plase, 
we aint any nearer related, marm. [Bell rings. 

Mrs. Hamilton. There, Dennis, go to the door, 

Dennis. Yis, marm. [Exiv. 

Mrs. Hamilton. It must be my dear children. How I 
long to see them ! 

Enter Chaeles and Ellen, icho embrace Mes. Hamilton. Then 
Arabella rushes in, followed by the Count, who tries to detain 
her. 

Arabella. Go away ! Don't touch me ! Oh ! you odi- 
ous impostor ! Oh ! hold me somebody, or I shall choke ! 

Mrs. Hamilton. Why, Bella, my love, what is the 
matter ? 

Arabella. A horrible imposition ! A base deceiver ! 
A wretched woman, is the matter ! There ! look ! [Point- 
ing to the Count.'] Do you see that man ? 

Count. I am tall enough, love, to be plainly visible. 
Why will you excite yourself so ? you are really quite 
flushed. 

Ellen. Why, Count, how you have improved in En- 
glish ! 

Arabella. Don't call him Count, Nellie. He- 
man — oh, I shall faint ! That horrible monster 

Count. . My love ! 

Arabella. Is — is — a barber ! 

[Falls sobbing into Ellen's arms. 



MATRIMONY. 21 

All. A barber ! 

Enter 'Dennis, loaded icith carpet-bags, shawls, etc., ichich he keeps 
dropping and trying to pick up. 

Dennis. Av it's plasing till yees, here's the little traps 
yees tould me to bring in. 

[ Through the whole of the following dialogue, Dennis keeps start- 
ing forward to interrupt the speakers, but is hindered by dropping 
some of the baggage he carries. ] 

Arabella. Oh, Nellie, send him away ! Don't let me 
see him ! 

Ellen. Who, Bella? Dennis? 

Arabella. No, no ; the barber. 

Ellen. Dear Bella, if he loves yon, and you love him, 
you may be very happy, even with a barber. 

Arabella. Love him! Oh, Nellie, Nellie, how matri- 
mony has opened my eyes ! 

Mrs. Hamilton. Oh, my poor children ! How much 
they are to be pitied ! 

Ellen. Don't pity me, mamma. "We are very happy ; 
aint we Charles ? 

Charles. Indeed we are! [To audience.'] And, ladies 
and gen 

Ellen, {interrupting him.) Excuse me, love, but lac¥es 
take the precedence here. [To audience.] Ladies and 

Arabella, (interrupting her.) Eeally, Nellie, you are 
very forward. 2" have the best right to speak. [To au- 
dience.] Ladies and gentlemen, I am 

Count, [interrupting her.) My dear, pray do not excite 
yourself. You are too nervous, love, to undertake this. I 
will relieve you. [ To audience. ] Ladies and gentlemen 

Mrs. Hamilton, [interrupting him.) A base impostor, 
sir. How dare you address my guests! [To audience.] 
Ladies 



^ MATRIMONY. 

Katie, (interrupting her.) Beg pardon, mum, but I 
think I have the least to do here. You all have your fam- 
ily cares. Mine have not commenced yet, but if [to audi- 
ence] these ladies and gentlemen will call again in a week 
or two, Dennis and I will give them our opinion of matri- 
mony. Eh, Dennis ? 

Dennis, (dropping all the baggage, takes her hand. ) Yis, 
if yees plase. \Curtain falls. 

Position of characters at fall of curtain : 

Katie, Dennis, 
Count, Mrs. Hamilton, Arabella, Ellen, Charles. 



MISFORTUNE. 



CHARACTERS. 

Mes. Gbeen, a Widow Lady. 

Sebaphtna, her Daughter, a fashionable young Lady. 

Augustus, her Son, a lisping Bandy. 

Alphonso Cantcomitoglio, a foreign Dancing-master. 

Betsy, Mrs. Greens husband's cousin, the maid of all work. 



PROPERTIES. 



A Table, Chairs, a Sofa, a Looking-glass, Pamphlet Novel, Bell, 
Saucer of Blacking, Blacking-brush, Duster, Violin, Piano. 



MISFORTUNE. 



Scene I. [Miss.] 
A parlor, handsomely furnished. A table, with a looking-glass, 
t books, and two or three pamphlet novels upon it. A sofa, and 
some chairs. A piano, open. 

Enter Betsy, very shabbily dressed, carrying a saucer af blacking, 
blacking-brush, and duster. 

Betsy, [crying.) Oh, how my head does ache ! I think 
Miss Green might a found something softer than the broom- 
handle to whack me with, jest a cause the furnace fire 
went out. I can't be everywhere at onct, so I can't, and 
I've blacked six grates this blessed morning. Oh dear ! 
I wish uncle John 'd come home. I never gets nobody to 
pet me now, since he went away to the Injies. "Wisht I 
know'd the way to the Injies, I'd walk right out there to- 
morrow. Now, who'd ever think I was Miss Green's hus- 
band's cousin, the way I'm treated ? I jest wisht I was a 
rigger, or a magpie, or something 'nother. I'm so tired, I 
jest ache all over. I was up all night, clearing away after 
Miss Seraphiny's party. Miss Green said 'tweren't no 
difference about my going to bed. They wouldn't give mo 
no ice-cream neither, 'cepting what was left on the plates, 
and I do love it so ! Oh dear, how my head does ache ! 
I won't clean another grate this day, so I won't. There ! 
[Sits down on the floor.} 

Mrs. Green, (behind the scenes.) Where's that good-for- 
nothing, lazy, stupid, idiot of a girl ? 



26 MISFORTUNE. 

Betsy. That's me ! I don't care ! 

Enter Mes. Geeen. 

Mes. Geeen, {twitching Betsy up on Iter feet.) Well, I 
declare ! Sitting down, doing nothing ! Upon my word ! 
I wonder w T liat girls will do next ? [Shakes Betsy violently.'] 
What do you mean ? You trial of patience. You are a 
perfect nuisance. What do you mean, I say ! 

Betsy. Oh please, I don't mean nothing, mum. Oh ! 
how you do pinch my arm ! Oh ! I'll never do so no 
more. 

Mes. Geeen, {pushing her toward the grate.) There, go 
clean that grate. If it aint done when I come in here again, 
you'll get no dinner, miss. [Exit. 

Betsy, (brushing the grate.) I dare say. I never does 
get half enough to eat, nohow. They gives great parties 
all the while, and then if I asks for a little more dinner, 
they can't afford it. Oh ! how Miss Green did pinch me ! 
Jest look at me ! Who'd ever think I was a perfect little 
beauty when uncle John went away ? Miss Green was to 
treat me like her own child, she was ; jest exactly the same 
as Seraphiny, she promised uncle John. Oh, if he'd only 
come home again ! 

Enter Seeaphtna. 

Seeaphtna, (sinking upon the sofa.) Well, my party was 
a success, and in the confusion I had an opportunity to see 
Alphonso twice. Dear creature, how his misfortunes' 1 
touch me ! [Betsy sneezes.] Seeaphtna, (starting.) Why, 
Betsy ! are you there ? 

Betsy, (coming forward.) Yes, miss. 

Seeaphtna. Oh, stay where you are, for mercy's sake ! 
Don't come near me. How do you contrive to get yourself 
so dirty ? 



MISFORTUNE. 27 

Betsy. Cleaning grates, miss, does it, without any con- 
triving. 

Seraphtna, [raising a vinaigrette.) Ugh ! It's really 
shocking. There, go away Betsy, you are really quite an 
eyesore. 

Betsy, [aside.) I wonder what Tl/t be next ? Miss 
Green called me a noosance, and now I'm a nisore. [ Going. 

Seraphtna. Stay, Betsy ; my eyes are fatigued with the 
glare of light last evening, and I do not feel equal to the 
exertion of reading. You know how to read ; you shall fin- 
ish reading to me the "Lone Lovers of the Wilderness." 

Betsy. Oh, Miss Seraphiny, I've got all the grates to 
clean, and the beds to make, and the rooms to sweep, and 
the knives to rub, and the dinner to cook, and the rest of 
the work to do, and Miss Green '11 half kill me if 'taint 
done. 

Seraphtna. Impudence ! Do you dare to answer me ! 
Sit down there this instant, and take the book. 

[Gives her a pamphlet from off the table. 

Betsy, [crying.) Miss Green '11 

Seraphtna. How often must you be told not to call ma 
Miss Green ? Can't you say Mrs. Green, you idiot ? / am 
Miss Green. 

Betsy, [going away. ) Yes, miss 

Seraphtna. Come back here ! I declare, it is enough 
I to try the patience of a saint ! Sit down there, and read to 
i me, and if you miss one word, you'll go without your, 
dinner. 

Betsy, [aside.) Well, it's a savin' o' perwisions to snub 
me, anyhow ! 

Seraphtna. What are you saying ? Now begin. Oh, 
you needn't come so close. Your clothes are far too dirty 
to touch me. How can you go about, looking so ! You 



28 MISFORTUNE. 

never see me in such a state. Positively, I should think 
you would stick to something. 

Betsy. Wisht I could. Wouldn't have to work so hard 
if I could stick to something. 

Seraphtna, [taking the book from her.) Don't answer me 
back. This is the*place ; take the book ! Begin ! Page 
47. 

Betsy, {takes the book; reads.) " A-1-p-h-o-n-s-o, Alph- 
onso " 

Seraphtna, (sighing.) Oh, that dear name ! Don't mur- 
der it so ! Go on ! 

Betsy. Yes, miss. [Reading. ,] "Alphonso went as 
c-i-r — c-u-m — s-t-a-n-c-e-s, circumstances." Please, miss, 
what's a circumstances ? 

Seraphtna. Oh, my patience ! the girl will drive me 
mad. Just in the most exciting part ! Now go on, and 
don't dare to ask any more of your absurd questions. 

Betsy, (reading.) " Alphonso went as circumstances" — 
(Wisht I knowed what them was !) — " seemed to direct." 
Oh, cricky ! what a big word's acomin' now ! "I-n-s-u-b- 
o-r-d-i-n-a-t-i-o-n — tion. Insub — insubor ' ' 

Seraphtna. Insubordination, you dunce. Go on ! 

Betsy, Yes, miss ! Insubordination you dunce 



Seraphtna, (snatching the book.) It's enough to set one 
frantic. [Boxes Betsy's ears with the book.] There! go 
about your business, you stupid thing ! 

Enter Mrs. Green. 

Mrs. Green. Betsy, what are you doing here ? Not a 
bed made, or a room swept. 

Betsy. If you please, Miss Green 

Mrs. Green. How often am I to tell you to call me Mrs. 



MISFORTUNE. 29 

Green ! Miss Green ! Go up stairs. {Pushes Betsy 
against Seeaphtna.] 

Seeaphtna. Oil ! Go away ! [Pushes Betsy back. 

Mes. Green. Why don't you go ? [Strikes far. 

Seeaphtna. Go, will you ? [ They both push Betsy o id of 
the room. Mes. Geeen folio ws her o id. ] 

Seeaphtna, [sitting down again.) I declare, that odious 
creature has quite exhausted rne. How I long to sec \ 
Alphonso ! It is near his hour ! Will he come ? Poor 
Alphonso ! Think of a man of rank, Count Cantcomitoglio, 
being exiled from his dear France, and obliged to support 
himself by teaching dancing ! My heart aches for his 
trials. 

Enter Alphonso, with a violin under his arm. 

Alphonso, (in broken English.) Sharming Seraphina, 
are you by yourselves — alone ? 

Seeaphtna. Yes, dearest Alphonso, I am fortunately 
alone. How glad I am to see you ! I have been forced to 
miss so many lessons lately. 

Alphonso, (laying aside his violin.) And I, alas ! have 
been forced to miss ze shance to see you, ze dearest object 
earth contains ! Oh, Seraphina ! 

Seeaphtna. Oh, Alphonso ! 

Enter Betsy. 

Betsy. Oh, jemmy ! If you please, your ma says, did 
you miss your opery cloak ? 'taint in the drawer. 

Seraphina. Go away, Betsy. Don't bother me ! 

Betsy. Oh, very well, miss ; 'taint none of my busi- 
ness. [Exit. 

Alphonso. And now, mine angel, zat we are by our 
lone selves once more, I vill tell you my — vat you calls 



3G MISFORTUNE. 

zem } — my — plans. One veek from zis day we can elopes. 
All is prepare. 

Sebaphina. You give me early information. 

Alphonso. For fear my billets-doux may miss you. Ah, 
my idol, how can I wait — one little week — and you are my 
own ! 

Mes. Geeen, (behind the scenes.) With. Mr. Cantcomito- 
glio, did you say ? 

Seeaphina. Oh, there's mamma ! Quick ! put your- 
self in dancing position ! [Alphonso takes up his violin. 
They assume dancing positions.] 

Enter* Mes. Geeen. 

Alphonso, (taking steps.) Now, Mees Green ! So, Mees ! 

[Curtain falls. 



Scene II.— Same as before. [Foetune.] 

Enter Aephonso. 

Alphonso. Alone ! I must conceal myself until Sera- 
phina come. I have told to me to-day somezings zat 
makes me think that ze pere Green did not leaves noting. 
If zis is so, I must not elopes viz Seraphina. Yet all is 
prepare. Ah, some one is coming ! I must conceals my- 
self. [Hides behind a curtain. 

Enter Mes. Geeen and Augustus. 

Augustus. Now, my dear mother, tell me why I rethiev- 
ed thuch a hathty thummonth to come home. I wath 
doing finely in New York. Mith Golddutht wath lending 
a favorable ear to my thuit. 

Mes. Geeen. Pshaw ! I have something better for you 
than Miss Goldclust. 



MISFORTUNE. 31 

Augustus. Better ! Why, she ith worth half a million. 

Mrs. Green. I have a wife for you who is worth two 
millions. 

Augustus. What a fortune ! Confound Mith Gold- 
dutht ! Who ith she ? 

Mrs. Green. I will tell you. Listen! Your cousin 
Betsy 

Augustus. Don't ! don't call that odiouth creature my 
couthin ! 

Mrs. Green. Patience, hear me out! Betsy's uncle 
John went, as you know, to India, some five years ago. 
He was wealthy then, but news has just reached us that he 
increased his property to two millions, and then died, 
leaving the whole to Betsy. 

Augustus. To Betthy ! 

Mrs. Green. This fortune we must secure. You know 
it is on the handsome allowance he left for her use that we 
have been living since he left. It will never do to let this 
money go out of the family. 

Auphonso, (peeping out.) Here's vat ze Americaines call 
a go. Here's a go ! 

Augustus. I am amathed ! Two millionth ! 

Mrs. Green. As yet she knows nothing of her fortune. 
As her nearest relative, the news was communicated to me 
first ; but to-day she will receive official intelligence, so I 
must tell her. Come, we will find her. Ox course, you do 
not care to return to Miss Golddust ? 

Augustus. Confound Mith Golddutht ! Don't thpeak 
of her ! [Exeunt Mrs. Green and Augustus. 

Alphonso, (coming forward.) Ma foil Alphonso, you 
were ze lucky man to hear zis news. Betsy, sharming two 
Lillions, you must be mine ! 



32 MISFORTUNE. 

Enter Betsy. 

Alphonso, (meeting lier. ) My clear Mees Betsy, how yon 
do to-day, eli ? 

Betsy. My Gracious, how perlite ! I'm pretty well, Mr. 
Parlezvoo ! 

AiiPHONSO. Je sais charme I You enchants me ! 

Betsy. Where's Miss Green ? I wants to know about 
them pickles. [Going. 

Alphonso. Do not leaves me ! Stay, mine angel, near 
your adoring Alphonso ! 

Betsy. He's crazy ! What on earth are you talking 
about ? 

Alphonso. Ah, Betsy, I love you ! I swear by all ze 
stars I love you ! [Kneels. 

Betsy. Get up ! Ton my word, he's drunk ! 

Alphonso, (aside.) Yat is drunk ? Ah, I remembers ! 
intoxicate. [Aloud.'] Yes, Betsy, intoxicate viz your 
sharms ! Do not turn aways ! Let me feast mine eyes on 
your beauty ! 

Betsy. Land, sir, your eyes '11 be pretty sharp, if they 
find my beauty ! 

Alphonso, (taking her hand.) Let me prison ziz leetle 
vite hand ! 

Betsy. Get out ! Let go my hand ! 

Alphonso. Nevare ! till you promise it shall be mine ! 

Betsy. What do you want with my hand ? 

Alphonso, (aside. ) I would kees it if it vas not so poison 
dirty. [Aloud.'] I vill keep it, cherish it, cover it viz 
jewels. 

Betsy. Well, you'd better let me wash it first. It's or- 
ful smutty. Here comes Miss Green ! 



MISFORTUNE. 33 

Alphonso, {starting tip.) Where ? Hide me ! Let ine 

make my escapes ! [Exit. 

Betsy. "Well, I never did see sich a 'tarnal goose before ! 

Eater Mrs. Green, Augustus, and Seraphina. 

Mks. Green, {in a sweet voice.) Ah, Betsy, my child, 
are you there ? 

Betsy, [amazed. ) Why — why 

Mks. Gkeen. You look surprised ! Come here, my 
sweet little darling, and kiss me. 

Betsy, {pinching herself.) Am I a delirious, or am I 
asleep ? 

Seraphina. Come here and sit beside me, cousin Betsy. 
W T e have news for you, dear ! 

Betsy. What has come over them ? 
Augustus, {offering a chair.) My charming couthing, 
do not fatigue yourself by thtanding. 

Betsy, {sitting down.) I'm all dumbflustercated ! 

Mks. Gkeen. We've come to tell you your good for- 
tune. You know, Betsy, child, we've always been kind to 
you ! 

Betsy, (liesitating.) Y-e-e-s, mum ! 

Mks. Green. Call me cousin, dear ! 
Betsy. Yes, mum ! 

Mrs. Green. Dear child, her early respect is quite 
habitual ! My love, you have had a fortune left to you. 
Two millions ! 

Betsy. Please, mum, what's millions ? 

Mrs. Green. Millions of dollars. Money, my dear ! 

Seraphina. You have more money, Betsy, than you will 
know how to spend ; all your own. 
3 



34 MISFORTUNE. 

Betsy. Oh, gracious ! "Won't I have as much dinner as 
I can eat every day ! 

Mrs. Green. Yes, my love, you can have everything 
you wish for. 

Betsy. Oh, crickets ! 

Seraphtna. You can wear as fine clothes as you please. 

Betsy. Oh, scissors ! 

Augustus. Every pleathure ith at your command, and I 
am alwayth ready to ethcort you to opera or ball. 

Betsy. Oh, my ! But can I do exactly as I please ? 

All. Exactly ! 

Betsy, [walking about and clapping her hands.) Aint it 
fine ! Won't I dress up, and eat all sorts of goodies ? I 
won't never do another bit of work as long as I live ! 
[Stopping suddenly be/ore Mrs. Green.] But, Miss Green, 
where did all the money come from ? 

Mrs. Green. You remember your uncle John ? 

Betsy, (in a low voice.) Indeed, I does ! Dear uncle 
John ! [A pause. Tiien in a tone of great delight.} Oh ! 
has he come home ? 

Mrs. Green. No, my dear, he's dead ! 

Betsy, [bursting into tears.) No, no ! Oh, he aint dead! 
Oh, he said he would come home again ! He will come 
back — he promised ! Oh, Miss Green, he aint — say he 
aint — dead ! 

Mrs. Green. Don't be so distressed ! He has left you 
all his money. 

Betsy, (still sobbing.) Oh, uncle John ! Uncle John ! 
Won't you never come home no more to Betsy, your own 
little Betsy ! Oh, I don't want no money ! I don't want 
nothing ! I wisht I was dead too ! Oh, uncle John ! 
What shall I do ? What shall I do ? [Exit, weeping. 

Mrs. Green. Who would imagine the child had such 



MISFORTUNE. 35 

strong feelings ? Augustus, now is your time ! A little 
delicate consolation now will do wonders for your suit. 
Come, we will find her. 

[Exeunt Mes. Geeen and Augustus. 

Seeaphtna. I suppose we shall have to take her into 
society ! Ma thinks the large ball next week will be a good 
opening. Then, she must give a ball here. I must post- 
pone my elopement. 

Enter Alphonso. 

Alphonso. Ah, Mess Green ! How are you ? 

Seeaphtna. Alphonso, why so cold ? I am alone ! 

Alphonso. All, so I perceives ! I came to looks for my 
violin. I forgets it zis morning. 

Seeaphtna, (amazed. ) Alphonso, why are you so cruel V 
No one is near to see us ! You torture me ! [ Weeps. 

Alphonso, (aside.) Nevare could endure to see ze lovely 
creature weeps. [Aloud.] Seraphina, dearest, forgive me ! 
I heard you did embrace anozar on ze doorsteps zis morn- 
ing ! Jealousy made me cold ! [J.szcte.] I calls zat vara 
good for ze impromptu. 

Seeaphtna. It was my brother Augustus, dearest ! 
Alphonso, (aside. ) I must feign ze constancy, or I can 
no see Betsy. [Aloud.] My angel ! Can you forgive me ? 

[Kneels. 
Seeaphtna. You are forgiven ! 

Alphonso, (aside.) Ah, quelle complaisance ! She is 
lovely ! Were not Betsy ze two millions. [Aloud.] My 
angel, I tank you ! [Curtain falls. 



Scene DX — Same as before. — [Misfoetune. ] 

Curtain rises, discovering Mrs. Green, in evening dress, before a 

1 glass, arranging a head-dress. 

Mes. Geeen. Well, Betsy makes her debut into fashion- 
able life to-night. She insisted upon dressing alone, and 



36 MISFORTUNE. 

would tell no one what she meant to wear. I hope she 
will not make herself ridiculous ! I fear she will. 

Enter Seeaphina. 

Sebaphina. Oh, ma ! have you seen Betsy ? 

Mrs. Green. No, my dear ! Is she terribly absurd ? 

Seraphina. You never saw such a figure ! I can never 
appear in public with her ! 

Mrs. Green. We must say that she is very eccentric, 
love ! "Won't she allow you to alter it ? 

Seraphina. No. You know what a horrible temper she 
has shown ever since she became independent. I am so 
glad it did not occur to her to put on mourning ! It 
would have spoiled all our gaiety ! .And you know, ma, he 
died so far away. 

Betsy, [behind the scenes.) Get out of the way, will you ? 
I declare, I don't have any peace of my life. 

Enter Betsy, in an absurd full dress. 

Mrs. Green. Betsy ! Where did you get that dress ? 

Betsy. Bought it, of course ! Where else would I get 
it ? Don't you like it ? 

Mrs. Green. Like it ! 

Betsy. Well, it's your own fault if you don't ! You 
said wear pink and white, Seraphina said blue, Augustus 
said yaller, I wanted red and green, so I jest wore the 
whole. 

Seraphtna. At least, let me take off this bow. 

Betsy. Let me alone, will you ? I'll wear just exactly 
what I please ! I'm my own mistress, I guess ! 

Mrs. Green, [aside.) Oh, what a misfortune her tem- 
per is ! I am afraid, Augustus, poor fellow, will lead a 
terrible life with her ! 



MISFORTUNE. 37 

Betsy. Where's that dancing master ? It's time he was 
here to give me my last dancing lesson. I won't go to a 
party and not dance. There ! 

Enter Augustus and Alphonso. 

Augustus. My lovely couthin, your beauty to-night ith 
bewildering ! [^IszcZe.] How can I enter a room with that 
creature on my arm ? 

Betsy. I want to take my last dancing lesson before we 
start. 

Mrs. Green. I want to show you something in my 

room, Seraphina. We will join dear Betsy in a short time ! 

[Exeunt Mrs. Green and Seraphina. 

Axphonso. I have forgotten my violin, Mees Betsy. I 
will fly for my instrument, and give you your lesson in a 
few moments ! [Exit. 

Augustus. My dear Betthy, I am glad to thecure a few 
monienth alone with you before we start. I wish to warn 
you againtht plathing any trutht in the attentionth gen- 
tlemen may offer you thith evening. We love you, deareth, 
for your own thweet thake ; they will look only at your 
fortune ! Your beauty • 

Betsy. Oh, Gus ! 

Augustus. Dear girl, your thimplithity is charming to 
your Auguthtuth ! Betthy, my angel, I mutht thpeak ! I 
love you ! 

Betsy. Of course, cousin. 

Augustus. Will you be my wife ? 

Betsy. I — I 

Enter Alphonso. 

Augustus, (aside.) I could pitch that fellow out of the 
window ! Jutht ath she wath about to promith ! 

Auphonso, (taking his position.) Are you ready, mees, 
for your lesson ? 



38 MISFORTUNE. 

Enter Mrs. Green and Seraphina. 

You wish to learn ze Scliottische ? Monsieur Auguste 
will be your partner. I regret to say that I hav lose my 
violin, but I vill veestle. 

Betsy. Never mind the fiddle. I'll get you a new one. 

Alphonso. Oh, mees, you are too good ! 

Seraphina, (sitting down at piano.) I will play for you, 
Alphon — Betsy. 

[A dancing lesson follows. Seraphina playing, Augustus, Al- 
phonso, and Betsy dancing.] 

Mrs. Green. There, that is surely enough for to-night ! 
Come, girls, we will get our cloaks and hoods, and go. 

[Exeunt Mrs. Green and Seraphina. 

Augustus. I must go to my room for my gloveth. 

[Exit 

Alphonso. Now, dear Betsy, a present is our time. Ze 
— vat you call him ? — clergyman is vaiting in l'eglise — ze 
church, at ze corner. All is prepare — come ! 

Betsy. Wait a minute, Alphonso. Augustus 

Alphonso. Ah, my sharmer, it is your money he loves ! 
Did he evare love you before you had ze money, eh ? 

Betsy. Never ! The horrible scoundrel ! 

Alphonso. Did not I kneel before ze power of your 
beauty before you know yourselfes you vas rish, eh ? 

Betsy. So you did ! The very day I heard of it ! 

Alphonso. Because it vas your charming selfs I loves, 
eh ? not ze money ! 

Betsy. Suppose I was to lose it all 

Alphonso. You would be the same to your Alphonso ! 
Come ! Zey vill returns ! [Exeunt. 

Enter Augustus. 
Augustus. I think I have thecured that two millionth. 



MISFOKTUNE. 39 

What a tremendoutli fright she ith to-night ! I mutht en- 
deavor to correct her tathte. I muth get her to promith to 
be my wife before any fortune-hunter winth her. I have 
made an imprethion, the retht is eathy ! What a mithfor- 

tune it would be if any one elth Bah ! I won't think of 

it ! It maketh me thick ! 

Enter Mes. Green and Seraphtna, with opera cloaks and hoods on. 

Mrs. Green. Where is Betsy ? 

Seraphtna. Where is Betsy ? 

Augustus. I left her here ! 

Mrs. Green. She is probably in her room. We will 
wait a few minutes. Oh, Augustus, my dear boy, do be 
most fascinating this evening ! If this chance slips through 
your fingers I will never forgive you ! By the way, I have 
found out a whim which you must humor. [They walk 
back conversing.} 

Seraphtna, [coming forward and speaking aside to audi- 
ence.) Oh, how I tremble ! I can scarcely support myself ! 
To-night, I have promised to elope with my Alphonso. 
Dear Alphonso ! He is probably even now hastening the 
preparations for our wedding ! I hope no misfortune will 
prevent the consummation of our dearest hopes ! 

Mrs. Green, (coming forward. ) It is very strange what 
detains Betsy so long ! I hope she is making no additions 
to that fearful dress ! 

Seraphtna. Oh, I hope not, ma ! I will go and prevent 
that ! [Exit. 

Augustus. I think that dreth is thumciently overwhelm- 
ing now. 

Mrs. Green. What can we do ? Her temper is so fear- 
ful that no one can control her. It is a sad misfortune 
to 

Augustus. I'll curb her temper, never fear ! 



40 MISFORTUNE. 

Enter Seraphina. 
Seraphina. Betsy is not in her room, in your room or 
mine, or in the dining room ! Not in the house ! 
Mrs. Green. Not in the house ? 
Augustus. Merthy on uth ! 

Enter Alphonso and Betsy. 

Mrs. Green. Why, Betsy, child, where have you been ? 

Betsy. I don't see that it's any of your business ; but 
I've been round the corner. 

Augustus. Take my arm, couthin ! 

Alphonso. Pardon me, sare ! I prefer to escort my 
wifes myself. 

All. Your wife ! 

Seraphina. Catch me, Augustus ! Oh, I shall die ! 

[Faints into Augustus's arms. 

Mrs. Green. Dear ! dear ! "What a misfortune ! 

Betsy. I don't think it's a misfortune, [to audience] do 
you ? I've got a lot of money, to be sure, but I aint proud 
■ — bless you, not a bit ! Why, just to prove it, if you'll all 
favor me again, some fine evening, I'll put on my old duds 
and do it all over again for you. [Curtain falls. 



Position of character's at fall of curtain : 

Alphonso, Betsy, 

Mrs. Green, Augustus, Seraphina. 






STAGE-STRUCK. 



CHAEACTEKS. 

Mr. Maywood, an elderly Mercliant 
Frederick, his Son. 
Mrs. Cowslip, an old Country Woman. 
Cora Neville, her Niece. 



PROPERTIES. 



A Table and some Chairs, a large Kitchen Table, a Fender, an 
Almanac, an Umbrella, a Cane. 



STAGE STRUCK. 



Scene I. — [Stage.] 

\Tfie parlor of a country inn. Upon the table are an old umbrella, an 
almanac, and some newspapers. 

Enter Frederick Maywood. 

Frederick. So ! one stage of our journey is accom- 
plished ! What an extraordinary old gentleman my pater- 
nal relative is ! Hearing, quite accidentally, that I had 
imbibed a taste for theatricals, he orders me to pack up 
my wardrobe, and whirls me off to a country house, to cure 
me of the passion. Oh, genius will not be thus smothered ! 
I will study in the woods, the fields ! [Striking an attitude, 

" Nature I'll court, in her sequestered haunts, 
By mountain, meadow, streamlet, grove, or dell." 

Ah ! I will, indeed ! And think of having such an arena 
for the grand scenes ! An acre of ground to study Rich- 
ard in ! [In a theatrical manner, with much gesture. 
"A horse ! a horse ! my kingdom for a horse !" 

Enter Me. Maywood. 

Mr. Maywood, [sternly. ) Ranting again, sir ! "Will you 
never have done with this tomfoolery ? 

Frederick. My dear father, can you call the words of 
the immortal William tomfoolery ? 

Mr. Maywood. Immortal fiddlesticks ! 

Frederick. Now you speak of it, why should not fiddle- 
sticks be immortal ? Paganini's for example ? 



4:4 STAGE-STKUCK. 

Mr. Maywood, (pathetically.) Frederick, my dear boy, 
don't talk in that way ! You really make me uneasy, [hi 
a passion.] I'll put you in a lunatic asylum, sir, for I really 
believe you are crazy ! 

Frederick. Don't get excited, old gentleman ! Now we 
are here for a time, with nothing to do but wait for the 
next coach, suppose we, in a calm, dispassionate manner, 
go over the subject under dispute ! You object to the 
stage. Why ? 

Mr. Maywood. Why ? You lazy scoundrel, do you — 

Frederick. Ah ! you are wandering from the subject. 

Mr. Maywood. Oh, Frederick, I have had such hopes 
for you, my only son ! You were to be my partner in busi- 
ness — Maywood & Son. And now you think of nothing 
but the stage. 

Frederick, (striking an attitude.) "All the world's a 
stage !" 

Mr. Maywood. There, now ; don't go off again ! I 
brought you from the city to get rid of this nonsensical 
taste, and you have done nothing but spout ever since we 
left home. 

Frederick. Why not allow me, sir, to follow the natu- 
ral bent of my genius ? Oh, you do not appreciate the 
luxuries that belong to a life on the stage ! Think of being 
able, by your own powerful expression of different pas- 
sions, to control the very hearts of the multitude around 
you, who weep when you weep, and laugh as you give 
occasion ! Then the end, the great end of all this ! The 
stage is destined to be the greatest mortal engine ! Young 
minds, open to conviction • 

Mr. Maywood. Thunderation ! I only wish they were ! 
Of all the obstinate, self-willed things in creation, young 
minds are the worst ! What the 

Frederick. Hush now ! Don't say it ! Think of the 






STAGE-STRUCK. 45 

example you aregiving me if you speak the word now quiv- 
ering on your lips ! 

Me. Haywood. Do you presume, sir, to dictate to me ? 
You tell how to express myself ! By 

' Frederick. There you go again ! You are getting an- 
gry. I see certain unmistakable signs of it. Suppose we 
change the subject. I will recite for you. "What will you 
have ? Macbeth's soliloquy ? 

i Mb. Haywood, {furiously.) Will you be quiet, you 
Bcoundrel ? 

Frederick, {coolly. ) Certainly ! ' ' You know my wishes 
ever yours did meet." 

Mn. Haywood. I'll be hanged if they did ! 
Frederick. Don't interrupt the quotation. 

" did meet. 

If I am silent, 'tis no more but fear 

That I should say too little when I speak." 

Mr. Haywood. Too little ! No fear of that ! Your 
tongue is like a mill-clapper ! I wonder if dinner is ready ? 
I will go and see. [Exit. 

Frederick. What an excitable old gentleman he is, and 
what an absurd prejudice he has against the stage ! I won- 
der, now, what kind of a female this aunt of mine is, that I 
am to visit ? Excellent for training young ladies, they say • 
Hy aunt Neville is to send Cora there for her health, and 
to cure her of a love of the glorious dramatic art. Cora, 
bright angel ! 

"Oh, she was all ! 
Hy fame, my friendship, and my love of arms, 
All stooped to her. Hy blood was her possession. 
Deep in the secret foldings of my heart 
She lived with life ! And far the dearer she !" 
Heigho ! I am glad she is coming to this horrid country 



46 STAGE-STKUCK. 

hole ! I wonder if my aunt Polly will undertake to train 
me? Me! a man ! [Takes up the umbrella from table. 

" Behold ! I have a weapon ; 
A better never did itself sustain 
Upon a soldier's thigh !" 
Ha ! Come on ! Polly, I do defy thee ! [Strikes an 
■ittilude, flourishing the umbrella.] 

Enter Me. Matwood. 
Mr. Maywood. You young dog, will you never have 
done ? The stage is waiting ! 

Frederick. If the stage waits, I come. Up with the 
curtain ! 

Mr. Maywood. The stage for our journey, idiot ! We 
get our dinner at the next inn. 
Frederick. Lead on I I follow ! 

" A thousand hearts are great within my bosom. 
Advance our standards ! Set upon the foes ! 
Our ancient word of courage, fair St. George, 
Inspire us with the spleen of fiery dragons ! 
Upon them !" 

[Charges at Mr. Maywood with the umbrella. 
Mr. Maywood. Look out ! What the mischief do you 
mean ? 

Frederick. "Draw, and defend yourself. " 
j Mr. Maywood, {raising his cane.) I've a great mind to 
cane you, you young scapegrace ! 

Frederick. "I'll not yield, 

To kiss the ground before young Malcom's feet ! 

[Takes up the almanac. 
Before my body 

I throw my warlike shield. Lay on, Macduff !" 
Waiter, {behind the scenes. ) Stage is just starting, gen' 
tlemen. 






STAGE-STRUCK. 17 

Frederick, (with pathos.) "Now comes the parting 
hour !" 

Mr. Maywood, (pushing him.) "Will you go ? 
Frederick. "I go, and it is done ! [Bell rings.] 

The bell invites me ! 
Hear it not, Duncan ; for it is a knell 

That summons thee to heaven, or to " t'other place ! 

[Exit. 

Mr. Maywood. I hope Polly will drive the nonsense 
>ut of him. [Exit. Curtain falls. 



Scene II. [Struck.] 

A parlor in a farm-house. Against the wall, at the right of stage, is 
a large table. Before the fire-place a fender. A settee, and some 
chairs. 

Enter Feedeeick. 

Frederick. Talk of the delights of a country life ! 
Faugh ! There is a pigsty within two yards of my window, 
and the inmates grunt a chorus to my reading. Fancy 
Shakspeare rendered in this style : — 

"This was the noblest [grunts'] Koman of them all. 
[Grunts.] All the conspirators, save [grunts] only he, did 
that they did [grunts] in envy of great Caesar." 

[Prolonged grunts and squeals. 

Bah ! it is horrible ! There is one comfort. My other 
self, my Cora, arrived yesterday. I have now one sympa- 
thizing soul, Cora. We study together, and I scarcely 
know which of her readings to admire most, her wit, or 
her pathos. 

Cora, (behind the scenes.) Oh, dear! oh, dear! 

[Sobs violently. 



dS STAGE-STRUCK. 

Frederick. "What fearful sound now fails upon nay 
ear ?" Cora weeping ! 






Enter Coka, weeping. 
What's the matter cousin ? Confide in me ! 
1 ' Passion, I see, is catching ; for mine eyes, 
Seeing those beads of sorrow stand in thine, 
Begin to water !" 
Coka, [sobbing.) I — was — in the barn — st-stu-dying — 
Borneo — and Ju-Juliet — and — and — I — was — a — say-ing — 
de-de-ny — thy fa-father — oh, oh ! 

Frederick. Yes, yes — what then ? 

"By heavens, my love, thou dost distract my soul. 
There's not a tear that falls from those dear eyes, 
But makes my heart weep blood." Say on, Cora ! 

Cora. Well — I was saying that, when — aunt Pol — Polly 
came — and — took away the book ! 

Frederick. The old witch ! 

Cora. And — and — she struck me ! 

Frederick. Struck you ? 

Cora. Yes, with the broom ! 

Frederick. A blow ! "I'll have her blood !" 

Cora, [ceasing to cry. ) Why, Fred, how you talk ! Your 
aunt's blood? 

Frederick. Did you not say she struck you ? How 
dare she ? 

Cora. Hateful thing ! 

Enter Mbs. Cowslip. 
There she is, Fred ! Don't let her touch me ! 
Frederick, [putting his arm around her.) 

" It is my arm supports thee. Did she dare 
With her rough hand to touch my lovely flower ? 






STAGE-STRUCK. 49 

Why dost thou tremble ? Fear not, for I am with 

thee. 
No power on earth shall harm thee !" 

Mrs. Cowslip. Cora, go finish shelling them peas ; and 
if you dare to go to the barn again with that book, I'll 
make you sorry ! 

Cora, (aside to Fred, ) Would you go ? 

Frederick. "Yield to the tyrant ? Never !'" 

Mrs. Cowslip. Well, miss, why don't you go ? 

Cora, (sitting down.) I'm tired ! I want to rest ! 

Mrs. Cowslip. My gracious patience ! »if you aint 
enough to try a saint ! [Stamping her foot.'] Cora Neville, 
go along into the kitchen, or I'll give you a whipping ! 

Frederick. You have struck my cousin once to-day. 
I will be avenged ! 

Mrs. Cowslip. Hold your tongue, sir, or you'll go with- 
out your dinner ! 

Frederick, (aside.) The only threat can move me, for, 
hang it all, she can execute it. 

Mrs. Cowslip, (going.) Cora, I can't wait all day ! Are 
you coming ? 

Cora, (aside to Fred.) I guess I'd better go. She'll 
make such a fuss if I don't ! 

Frederick. Go, then ! Desert me ! 

[Exeunt Mrs. Cowslip and Coba. 

'Inglorious bondage ! Human nature groans 
Beneath a vassalage so vile and cruel." 

Heigho ! what shall I do till dinner time ! Ha ! a thought 
has just struck me. I'll help Cora shell the peas, and then 
We'll go to the barn and rehearse. 

[Exit. Curtain falls. 
4 



50 STAGE-STEUCK. 

Scene III. — Same as Scene II. [Stage-struck.] 

Curtain rises, discovering Frederick seated at a table with a volume 
of Shakspeare open before him. 

Frederick. How sublime ! I wish Cora was grander. 
She is a bewitching little darling ; but, somehow, in her 
short dresses and that large flat hat, she does not realize 
one's idea of Lady Macbeth ! 

Enter Cora. 

Cora. Oh, such fun ! "Won't we have a splendid time ? 

Frederick. When ? 

Cora. Now ! Aunt Polly is going out to spend the 
afternoon and take tea. We can rehearse, and have all 
sorts of a good time ! 

Frederick. Good ! Let us begin ! The scene we tried 
yesterday. 

Cora. Bah ! I hate tragedy ! Let's have something 
funny ! 

Frederick, [with a look of horror.) Funny ! Hate trag- 
edy ? 

Cora. There, don't look so shocked ! I'll play Lady 
Macbeth. Wait a minute. [Takes off her hat] I'll get 
one of aunt Polly's skirts for a train. [Exit. 

Frederick. Dear Cora ! She can look fierce and Lady 
Macbethy, if she tries. 

Enter Coea, with a skirt on, of old-fashioned silk or chintz, with 
large figures. 

Cora. There ! aint that grand ? [Comes forward.] Go 
away now, Fred, while I soliloquize. [Frederick steps 
back, book in hand.] 



STAGE-STEUCK. 51 

Cora, (in a tragic tone.) " The raven himself is hoarse, 
That croaks the fatal entrance of Duncan 
Under my battlements.'* 

I say, Fred, my battlements, not yours. Macbeth wasn't 
, henpecked any, was he ? 

Frederick. Pshaw ! do go on ! 
Cora. What comes next ? 

Frederick. "Come, come you spirits " 

Cora. Oh, yes ! ' ' Come, come you spirits 
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, 

And fill me from the crown to the toe " 

I must scare up a crown for next time, Fred ! 
Frederick. "Will you go on ? 
Cora. * * From the crown to the toe, top full 
Of direst cruelty ! Make thick my blood, 
Stop up the access and passage to remorse, 
That no compunctious visitings of nature 
Shake my fell purpose, nor keep peace between 
The effect and it !" Fred ? 
Frederick. "What, you torment ? 

Cora. "Wouldn't she have made a first-rate medium, 
after that operation ? 

Frederick. I wish you would stop talking nonsense, 
and recite properly. How can a fellow get inspired, when 
you rattle on in this way ? 

Cora. Oh, Lady Macbeth was an old humbug ! Let's 
play something nice. Eomeo and Juliet ! 

Frederick. "Well, we will. You are not quite fierce 
enough for Lady Macbeth, that's a fact ! 

Cora. Oh, Fred, I've thought of something splendid ! 
Help me to move the table into the centre of the room. 
[Tliey move it] Now, put the fender on it ! 

Frederick. The fender ? 



52 STAGE-STRUCK. 

Cora. ' 'Dost thou hesitate ?" 

Frederick, [putting the fender on table.) No ; there it is. 

Cora, [making the front of fender face audience.) So! 
aint that a splendid balcony ? 

Frederick, [placing a chair behind table.) Capital! Get 
up ! 

Cora, [getting on table.) Now, then, fire away ! 
Frederick. ' ' But soft ; what light through yonder 
window breaks ?" 

Cora. Looks uncommon like a window, don't it ? 
Frederick. Do be quiet ! Strike an attitude — a pen- 
sive one. 

Cora, [striking an attitude.) There aint much room on a 
table for striking attitudes. Go on, Fred ! 
Frederick. " It is the east, and Juliet is the sun ! 
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, 
Who is already sick, and pale with grief, 
That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she. 
Be not her maid, since she is envious !" 
Cora. I won't ! 
Frederick. " It is my lady ! Oh, it is my love ! 

Oh that she knew she were !" 
Cora. Trust a woman to find it out ! 
Frederick. " She sj)eaks, yet she says nothing I" 
Cora. I've known girls do that before ! 
Frederick. "What of that ? 

Her eye discourses. I will answer it ! 
I am too bold ! 'Tis not to me she speaks. 
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven, 
Having some business, do entreat her eyes 
To twinkle in their sphere till they return." 
Cora. Come, Fred, cut it short ! hurry up ! I'm awful 
tired of holding my tongue ! 



STAGE-STRUCK. 53 

Frederick. Holding yonr tongue ? " "What if her eyes 
were there, they in her head ?" 

Cora. Well, then she'd have to go it blind ! 

Frederick, {pathetically.) Oh, Cora ! 

Cora. That touch of pathos should bring down the 
house. Go on ! 

Frederick. " The brightness of her cheek would shame 
those stars, 

As daylight doth a lamp. Her eye in heaven 

[Cora squints. 

Would, through the airy region, stream so bright, 

That birds would sing, and think it were not night ! 

See how she leans her cheek upon her hand !" — 

Cora, why don't you lean your cheek upon your hand ? 

Cora. Oh, I forgot ! There ! [Leans against fender ; 
it tijis.] Oh, Fred ! the fender ! 

Frederick, (pushing it back.) There. 

Cora. Look out for my toes, if you please, sir ! [Leans 
her head on her hand.] Now, go on ! 
Frederick. " Oh that I were a glove upon that hand, 
That I might touch that cheek !" 

Cora. Ah, me ! [Aside.] Glad I have a chance to 
speak at last ! 

Frederick. " She speaks! [Kneels. 

Oh, speak again, bright angel !" 

Cora. I will, by and by. 

Frederick. "For thou art 

As glorious to this night, being o'er my head " 

Cora. Thanks to the table and fender ! 

Frederick. "As is the winged messenger of heaven 
Unto the white, upturned wondering eyes 
Of mortals, that fall back to gaze on him 



54 STAGE-STEUCK. 

When lie bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds, 
And sails upon the bosom of the air !" 

Coea. ' ' Oh, Romeo ! Romeo ! "Wherefore art thou, 
Romeo ?" Oh ! Fred, Fred, here comes aunt Polly ! 

Mes. Cowslip, [behind the scenes.) Cora! Cora! where 
are you ? 

Coea. She's only just going. I thought she had gone. 

Enter Mrs. Cowslip. 

Feedeeick, [meeting her.) ' ' Whence, and what art thou, 
execrable shape, 
That dar'st, though grim and terrible, advance 
Thy miscreated front athwart my way ?" 
Mes. Cowslip. Well, I declare ! What are you doing 
on that table, miss? The fender too! [Takes away fen- 
der. ] My best gown on too ! [ Takes the chair from beside 
table.] Get down ! Take off that gown ! 

Coea, [taking off skirt makes a ball and fires at her.) 
Take your old gown ! 
Mes. Cowslip. Old gown ! Get down ! 
Coea. I can't, you've taken away the chair ! 
Feedeeick, [to Mrs. Cowslip.) " Henee, horrible shadow ! 
Unreal mockery, hence !" 

Mes. Cowslip. Fred Maywood, you're an idiot ; hold 
your tongue ! 

Coea, [sitting down on table.) I say, Fred, this is a splen- 
did throne ! ' ' Bring forth the prisoner !" 

Feedeeick, [dragging Mrs. Cowslip forward.) "May it 
please your majesty, !" 

Mes. Cowslip, [struggling.) Let me alone ! 

Coea. Does she resist ? Bind her ! [Jumps down from 
table.] I'll help you. Here's a handkerchief ! Tie her 
hands. 



STAGE-STKUCK. 55 

Mrs. Cowslip, [struggling.) Let me go, I say ! How 
dare you ? 

I Cora. Easy, easy auntie ! How can I tie you when you 
squirm about so ? You are who is she, Fred ? 

[They tie Mrs. Cowslip's hands, place her in a chair in front of 
table, Frederick holding Tier, while Cora takes her seat on table. 

Mrs. Cowslip. Oh, you good-for-nothing children ! 

Cora, [sternly. ) Silence, prisoner ! don't disturb the 
court ! Who is she, Fred ? 

Frederick. Joan of Arc ! 

Cora. Now then, Joan, what have you got to say for 
yourself ? Oh, Fred, wouldn't it be fun to burn her up ? 

Mrs. Cowslip. Burn me up ? I — I ! 

[Sputters as if in a great rage. 

Cora. I'll tell you what we can do.' "We can wall her up ! 
She can be the girl in Marmion who went about in man's 
clothes. 

Mrs. Cowslip, [in a perfect fury.) I — I — aint you 
ashamed of yourself ? I put on man's clothes ! Oh, you 
bad, good-for-nothing 

Cora. Easy, easy auntie ! That aint the way to address 
this august court. Shall we wall her up, Fred ? In the 
barn, you know ! 

Mrs. Cowslip. How dare you ? Untie me ! 

Enter Mr. Maywood. 

Oh, brother, I am so glad to see you ! 
Mr. Maywood, [untying her.) Why, what does all this 
mean ? 

Mrs. Cowslip, [shaking Cora.) Oh, you good-for-noth- 
ing girl 



56 STAGE-STRUCK. 

Frederick, ( pulling her away. ) Woman, how dare you 
shake my lady love ? 

Mr. Maywood. What do you mean, sir, calling your 
aunt a woman ? 

Frederick. What does she mean, shaking Cora ? Cora, 
my love ! 
\ Cora. Frederick, my life ! 

Mr. Maywood, ( pulling Frederick to right of stage, and 
getting in front of him.) Will you be quiet, sir ? 

Mrs. Cowslip, [pulling Cora to left of stage, and getting 
in front of her.) Hold your tongue, miss ! 

Frederick, [looking over Mr. Maywood's shoulder.) 
Juliet ! 

Cora, (looking over Mrs. Cowsld?' s shoulder.) " Borneo! 
Sweet Montague, be true !" 

Mr. Maywood, [pushing Frederick toward door.) Go 
up stairs this instant, sir ! 

Frederick. Farewell, my love ! 

Cora, [trying to pass Mrs. Cowslip, who prevents her. 
" Wilt thou be gone ! It is not yet near day ! 
It was the nightingale and not the lark, 
That pierced the fearful hollow of thine ear !" 

Mrs. Cowslip. I verily believe you are raving mad ! 
will you be still ? 

Frederick. Juliet, my life ! 

Mr. Maywood, [pushing Frederick out of room.) Go 
up stairs, you idiot ! 

[Exeunt Mr. Maywood and Frederick. 

Cora, [sinking into a chair. ) i ' Art thou gone so, my 
love, my lord, my friend!" 

Mrs. Cowslip. Oh, Cora Neville, for mercy's sake stop 
this trash ! 



STAGE-STRUCK. 57 

Coka. " Romeo is banished ! To speak that word 
Is father, mother, Tybalt, Romeo, Juliet, 
All slain, all dead ! Romeo is banished !" 

! Enter Feedeeick, Me. Maywood trying to hold him back by the 

coat-tails. 

Frederick. Juliet, my life ! Look up ! I come ! 
Coba, [rushing into his arms.) My life ! 

Mr. Maywood, [talcing hold of Cora.) Will you Wo 
I never have done ? 

Frederick. "Father, tempt not a desperate man ! 
Fly hence, and leave us !" 

Mrs. Cowslip. They want a strait- jacket, both of them ! 

Mr. Maywood. Frederick ! Cora ! Oh, what shall I 
do ? [Going to Mrs. Cowslip.] Polly, call Cora away ! 
Frederick, come here ! 

Frederick. " Peace, tyrant ! I heed you not !" 

Mrs. Cowslip. Cora, come to me ! 

Cora, [embracing Frederick.) Excuse me, aunt ! I had 
rather stay where I am ! 

[Me. Maywood pulls Feedeeick one way, Mrs. (Dowsed? putts 
Coea the other way. ] 

Frederick, [putting his arm firmly round Cora.) Part 
us ? Never ! Now, then, we'll see who'll beat. 
"When Greek encounters Greek, 
Then comes the tug of war !" 

Cora. "I'll part with life, but never part from thee !" 
Hold tight, Fred ! 

Mrs. Cowslip, [sitting down panting at left of stage.) It's 
no use ! 

Mr. Maywood, [sitting down at right of stage.) Was there 
ever before such a pair of stage-struck idiots ? 



58 STAGE-STRUCK. 

Frederick, [waving a handkerchief .) "Oh, such a day ! 
So fought, so followed, and so fairly won, 
Came not, till now, to dignify the times, 
Since Caesar's triumph !" 
Cora. " Crown ye the brave !" 
. Frederick. ' ' See here our prostrate foes ! 

Strike now an attitude, and down the curtain goes !" 

[Curtain falls. 

PosUi?Ji of parties at fall of curtain : 
Mrs. Cowsiiip, ^ora, Frederick, Mr. Maywood. 



MARPLOT. 



CHARACTERS. 

Mr. Alfred Buttercup, a Dandy. 
Mrs. Jerusha Meddlesome. 
Mrs. Holman, 

_ ' 1 her Daughters. 
Bertha, \ 



PROPERTIES. 

Sofa, Chairs, Table, Basket of Sewing. 



MARPLOT. 



Scene I. [Mar.] 



Mrs. Holmarts parlor. A table, with some books, etc. upon it, a 

sofa, two chairs. 
Curtain rises, discovering Emily and Bertha in evening dress, seated 

at a table. 

Emily, (sighing.) Ah, me ! 

Bertha. What's the matter, Em ? 

Emily. I was thinking what a tiresome thing parties are 
in the country. We came here to rest after last winter's 
campaign, and we have had a continual round of gaiety 
ever since mother took the house. 

Bertha. And country parties are so stupid, when it is 
too warm to enjoy dancing ! Besides, here one never 
sees [Stops, as if confused. 

Emily. No ! one never meets [Stops. 

Bertha. Who ? 

Emily. Did you refer to any one in particular ? 

Bertha. Only — only 

Emily. Come, Bertha, suppose we confide in each 
other ! I think we have both been silly enough to fall in 
love. I know I have. [Aside.] Dear Charley ! 

Bertha. I am sure I have. [Aside. ] Dear Harry ! 

Emily. Oh, Bertie, I am so troubled ! Mother will 
lever consent to my becoming Mrs. Charles Lovell, because 



62 MARPLOT. 

he is so poor ; and you know by papa's will, if we marry 
without her consent, we lose all our property. 

Bertha. My case is quite as bad. Harry has given his 
attention entirely to music, and you know how mother 
hates all professional people ! Artists or musicians are her 
special aversion. 

Emily. Charley and I have formed a thousand plans, 
but his poverty contrives to mar them all. 

Bertha. Harry thinks I can assist him by teaching, but, 
oh, Emily, I do not like the prospect, that's a fact ! I 
wish mother would come. We promised to be early at 
Fannie's party to-night. 

Enter Mks. Holman. 

Mrs. Holman. Emily and Bertha, I regret to mar your 
enjoyment, but you cannot join Fannie's guests this even- 
ing ! 

Emily and Bertha. Why not ? 

Mrs. Holman. I wish to have a little serious conversa- 
tion with you. You are now of marriageable age, and it is 
time I had found a husband for one or the other of you. 

Emily. Let it be Bertie, mother. I have no desire to 
marry ! 

Bertha. Emily has the first claim, mother. / am very 
happy at home ! 

Mrs. Holman. Hear me, children, and do not interrupt 
me again ! Your father's partner, Mr. Buttercup, who died 
several years ago, left an immense property to his only 
child, Alfred. I have just received a letter from this son. 
He will pay us a short visit, and I expect him every mo- 
ment. He has written to me to propose for one of my 
daughters, and I shall give my consent ! 

Emily, [springing up.) Not me, mother ! 

Bertha, [also rising.) Oh, mother, not me ! 



MAEPLOT. Gcf 

Mes. Holman. Upon my word, one would think I pro- 
posed to murder you, instead of giving you a handsome, 
{wealthy suitor. Emily! 
Emily. Oh, dear mother, do not ask me to marry him ! 
Mes. Holman. You refuse the man before you have 
r er seen him. Now, young ladies, listen to me ! I am 
tot accustomed to be trifled with, and one or the other of 
r ou must accept this offer. I shall allow him to choose. 

Emily, [haughtily.) Upon my word, his majesty enjoys 
most unusual privilege ! 

Beetha, [indignantly. ) It will be pleasant, truly ! ' ' Here 
\,re my daughters, sir ; take which you like !" You humili- 
kte us, mother ! 

Mes. Holm an. Nonsense ! You will each exert your- 
selves to please him. I have meet him once. He is a man 
pf most fastidious tastes, and great refinement. Many 
Would call him a dandy ; / call him a perfect gentleman ! 
Emily, you will be careful to avoid all mention of your 
horseback rides, or long walks, as he considers those pur- 
suits unladylike. Bertha, sing for him, and select gentle, 
winning airs — not those stormy bravuras you sometimes 
practice. It is very unfortunate that I have promised to 
go to Mrs. Smith's this evening, to sit all night with her 
sick sister, but I shall return early in the morning. But 
.you will remember all I have said ! 

Emily. But, mother ! 

Beetha. Dear mother ! 

Emily. If you would only 

Mes. Holman, [sternly. ) Not another word ! I command 
the one he offers himself to, to accept him. Remember, 
lay wishes control your fortunes ! If he refuses you, I say 
more. 

Emily and Beetha, [proudly.) Refuses us ? 



64 MARPLOT. 

Mks. Hqlman, [contemptuously.) He is a great admirer 
of beauty, and you may have all your fears for nothing. 
He will perhaps not fancy girls who are only fine looking 
and tolerably pretty ! 

Emily. Fine looking ! Upon my word ! 

Bertha. Tolerably pretty, indeed ! 

Mrs. Holman, {looking at her watch.) It is time for me 
to go. You must receive him now, when he comes. You 
will pay attention to all I have said. I lay my commands 
upon you to comply with my wishes. I have laid my 
own plans, and I will not allow the silly whims of two girls 
to mar them. Good night ! [Exit. 

Emily. Too bad ! If he should choose me, what would 
Charley say ? 

Bertha. Oh, Harry ! what shall I do if this hateful man 
prefers me ? 

Emily. We dare not refuse him ! As mother says, her 
will controls our property, and Charley is too poor for me 
to wish to burden him with a portionless bride. If I could 
only stay single till I am of age, then I may marry whom I 
choose. 

Bertha, [sadly.) Mother forbids us to mar her plans, 
but I wish I could do it. Oh, dear ! [Sits down. 

Emxly. I won't marry him ! There! [Curtain falls. 



Scene II. — Same as first. [Plot.] 

Curtain rises, discovering Bertha seated in the foreground, musing. 
Mrs. Meddlesome in the background, sewing. 

Bertha. He must come now, in a few minutes ! I hope 
I aint wicked, but if the train ran off the track with only 
this one passenger hurt, I could not shed a tear ! Not that 



MAEPLOT. 65 

I would have him killed, but only break a leg or so, and 
have to go home again ! 

Enter Emily. 

Well, Em, has our beau come ? 

Emily. Oh, Bertie, cheer up ! Put aside that doleful 
face ! I've thought of such a splendid plot ! 

Bertha. Plot, Emily ? 

Emily. Yes ; listen ! You know mother said, if he refus- 
ed its she would say no more about it. Now, as he may 
fancy girls who are only fine looking 

Bertha. And tolerably pretty ! 
Emily. We will make him refuse us ! 
Bertha. But how, dear Emily ? 

Emily. Ah, now you come to my plot ! Mother said he 
was very fastidious and dandified. Now, I will pretend 
to be very bad tempered, and a perfect hoyden. Do you 
see ? 

Bertha. Splendid ! I will go crazy ! 

Emily. Capital ! Tear down your hair ! 

Bertha. No, no, some one might come in ! Oh, Em, 
won't it be fun ? 

Emily. Hark ! wheels on the gravel ! He has come ! 
We will go up stairs, and then make a grand entree ! Won't 
/ give him a warm reception ? 

[Exeunt Emily and Bertha. 

Mrs. Meddlesome, [coming forward.) Pretty doings, 
upon my word ! When I was a gal, gals minded their 
mothers. Going crazy ! A nice lady-like amusement ! I'll 
spoil their fine plot ! And when one of them is the rich 
Mrs. Buttercup, she'll thank me for it ! I'll go send for 
qheir mother, this very minute \ \Exi(. 

5 



66 MARrLOT. 

Enter Me. Alfred Buttercup, carrying a small cane. 

Alfred. Ton honaw those caws are too much for a 
pawson of delicate constitution, a fwagile fwame ! The 
scweam is agonizing, and the jolting is pawfectly hawwid ! 
So Mrs. Holman was obliged to leave this evening to see a 
sick pawson — hope she won't bwing any contagious disow- 
daw home — and I am to be received by the young ladies ! 
"Wather a pleasant exchange ! "Weport says, Miss Emily is 
a vewy magnificent cweature ! [Sits down.'] They don't 
seem in any huwwy ! Aw, they are pwobably beautifying ! 



Enter Emily, in a furious passion; not perceiving Alfred, she 
goes to front of stage and walks rapidly up and down. 

Emily. Just let me lay my two hands on him ! I'll 
make him rue the day he ever dared to disobey me ! My 
poor Fire-fly ! my pet horse ! ruined, killed by the stupid- 
ity of that blockhead ! I positively forbade him to ride the 
horse. Who ever heard of a man in his senses leaping 
over a high wall without knowing what was on the other 
side ? Poor Fire-fly came down upon a pile of loose rocks. 
Broke his knees, of course, and they had to shoot him ! 
Stupid ! [Stamps her foot.] I'd like to tear his eyes out ! 

Alfred, [raising his eye-glass.) Aw ! what a vehement 
cweature ! 

Emily, [facing him, and speaking very sweetly.) Why, 
Mr. Buttercup ! Excuse me, I did not know you had ar- 
rived ! I regret that my mother was called away, but I will 
endeavor to supiDly her place. [Sits down. 

AnFRED, [rising and bowing.) With such a substitute, 
no one's absence can be wegwetted ! 

Emily. I am afraid I was rather violent just now. You 
must excuse me ! I was a little provoked at the loss of a 
pet horse. My stupid groom [raising her voice] injured 



MARPLOT. 67 

hini so much that he had to be shot. [Rising.] It was the 
most outrageous piece of folly [walks up and down] I ever 
heard of. I wish I had him here, and a good strong horse- 
whip, [in a great rage,] I'd whip him as long as my arm 
would work ! The stupid, ignorant, blundering, disobe- 
dient scoundrel ! 

Alfred. Aw, don't distwess yourself so much ! I dare 
say the fellow meant well. 

Emily, [contemptuously.) Meant well ! [In a sweet voice 
again. ] There, excuse me ! We will say no more about it. 
I will forget past troubles in the enjoyment of the present 
moment. [Alfred bows.] Did you enjoy your ride from 
the city, Mr. Buttercup ? 

Alfred. Aw, can't say I did ! It was excessively sul- 
twy, and there was a woman with a baby beside me, who 
was exceedingly weawisome. 

Emily. "Who, the woman ? 

Alfred. No, the baby ! It kept calling me paw — paw I 
and actually wanted to embwace me ! 

Emily. Dear little innocent ! 

Alfred. I detest babies ! 

Emily. I adore them ! My cousin has ten, and she has 
promised to let me adopt some of them — when we are mar- 
ried, dear ! 

Alfred, (aside.) Gwacious ! how she does anticipate I 
[Aloud.] Aw, excuse me, Miss Emily — or do I speak to 
1 Miss Bertha ? 

Emily. No, I am Emily. You needn't say Miss ; in- 
deed, as we are to be married, you may say Em ! 

Alfred. Aw, you are very kind ! There was another 
female in the caws who had a bunch of tubewoses. If my 
wife bwought tubewoses where I was, I'd pitch them out 
B the window, positively ! 



68 MARPLOT. 

Emily, {sharply.) Well, if I was your wife, I'd pitch 
you after them ! [In a loud aside.] Oh, there's my fear- 
ful temper again ! [Aloud, sweetly.] Mr. Buttercup, you 
are right, tuberoses are detestable. 

Alfred, (aside.) What a vixen ! [Aloud.] Yes, Miss 
Emily ! 

Emily, (tenderly.) I said you might call me Em ! 
Alfred. Weally, you owerpower me ! 

Emily, (looking about on table.) Where is my bouquet ? 
I left it here ! [Passionately. ] Somebody has stolen it ! 
I do wish people would let my things alone ! 

Alfred. Perhaps you took it out of the apartment. 

Emily, (snappishly,) I aint in the habit of forgetting 
where I place things, Mr. Buttercup ! 

Alfred. Weally, I beg pawdon, I did not mean to 
offend. 

Emily, (in aloud aside.) Oh, if I can only keep my 
temper till I am Mrs. Buttercup ! 

Alfred, (aside.) I wonder if the other sister is as 
energetic as this one. It is weally fatiguing to listen to 
her ! 

Emily, (sitting down.) Mr. Buttercup — or — what's your 
first name ? , 

Alfred, (tapping his boots loith his cane.) Alfwed ! 

Emily, {impatiently. ) Don't tap your boots ! Those mon- 
. otonous noises nearly set me frantic ! 
Alfred. To hear is to obey ! 

Emily. When we are married you must shave off your 
moustache. I hate a moustache ! 

Alfred, (caressing his moustache.) You ask too much. 
Emily, (passionately.) The hateful man refuses me my 






MARPLOT. 69 

first request. I could cry with vexation ! [In a loud asid-e. 
Just wait awhile, sir, till I am Mrs. Buttercup ! 

Alfred. Excuse me, Miss Emily ! May I see your sis- 
ter ? I may prefer 

Emily, {screaming with rage.) Prefer my sister ! [Start- 
ing up.] Oh, was ever a woman so insulted ! 

Alfred. I was about to say 

Emily, [furiously.) Don't tell me what you were about 
to say. I never heard of such a brute ! Why don't you 
strike me, or push me from the room ? It would be all of 
a piece with the rest of your proceedings ! Oh, I am fairly 
choking ! Oh, you brutal — — 

Alfred. Gwacious goodness ! What a viwago ! 

Emily. That's right ! call me names ! Don't limit your 
abuse, sir ! Drive me out of the room ! 
Alfred, [rising.) Weally — I 

Emily. Oh, you needn't get up ! I won't wait to be 
turned out ! I'm going, sir ! I'm going ! 

[Exit, slamming the door. 

Alfred, [resuming his seat.) That female is a perfect 
Xantippe. Mercy ! Such a wife would be perfectly over- 
whelming. 

Enter Beetha. 

What a sweet cweature ! 

Bertha, [singing.) " White his shroud, as the mountain 
snow." [Speaking.] Ah, me, this is a weary world ! [Sees 
Alfred.] Ah, sir, you look kind and good ! tell me • 

Alfred. Anything ! 

Bertha. Where is my Alfred ? 

Alfred, [aside.) Well, I seem to be appwopwiated by 
both of them ! [Aloud.] Your Alfred ? 



70 MARPLOT. 

Bertha, [weeping.) They have taken him away to tar 
and feather him ! 

Alfred. Gwacious ! how excessively disagweeable. 

Bertha. They've torn him from ma [Seizing Alfred 
by the collar of his coat, and pulling him from his chair.] 
Ah ! yon it was who took him from me ! Answer me ! 
Where is my love ? 

Alfred, (releasing himself.) Haven't the slightest idea. 
[Aside.] What a peculiar young woman ! 

Bertha, (aside.) I must fly round more ; he does not 
seem to comprehend that I am insane ! [Aloud,] Ah ! the 
world is made of brick-dust — but he ! he is a lily in a coal- 
yard ! [ylsicfe.] Oh, ye Muses, inspire me with more non- 
sense ! [Aloud.] Ha ! ha ! he's here, he's there, he's every- 
where ; [despairingly] he's nowhere ! 

Alfred. Aw, he must be quite a lively pawson ! [Aside.] 
She's crazy. I'll leave ! [Goes toward door. 

Bertha, (springs forward, and locks the door. ) You do 
not leave this room till you tell me where you have hidden 
him ! 

Alfred. Aw, young woman, weally I don't know any- 
thing whatever about your Alfred ! 

Bertha, (sitting down.) Oh, my heart is broken! The 
wind sighs his name, and they have changed him into a 
P n PPV dog ! [Sobs. 

Alfred, (aside.) Pleasant this ! locked up with a mad 
woman. This seems to be a lucid interval. I'll speak to 
her, and perhaps get the key. [Aloud.] My dear young 
lady! 

Bertha. Oh, tell me ! where is he ? [Kneels. 

Alfred, (raising her.) Do not kneel. It distwesses me, 
positively ! 



MAKPLOT. 71 

Beetha, {looking at Mm fondly.) You have come ! After 
long weary waiting, you have come at last ! Oh, my love ! 

Alfeed, [aside. ) I'll humor her, and try to get the key. 
j [Aloud.'] Yes, my dear, I have come, [aside] and should be 
most happy to go. 

Beetha. "Was the Emperor of Russia gracious ? Or did 
the knave of clubs go it on a lone hand and get euchred ? 
But you have come ! All care avaunt ! [Singing. 

" If you loves I, as I loves you, 
No knife shall cut our loves in two." 

[Goes forward to embrace him. 

Alfeed, {raising his cane. ) Aw, excuse me ! 

Beetha, [furiously.) Fiend ! would you strike a woman ? 
[Advancing towards him threateningly.] Ah ! you deny the 

I fact ? Hang him ! I'll tear him to pieces ! [Chases him. 
Coming forward, and speaking aside.] This is getting tire- 

? some ; how can I end it ? I have it ! I'll drop the key. 
[Aloud.] Never say I did it. The willow. I'll wear it ! 
[Sadly.] A poor forsaken maiden's best emblem. [D r rops 
the key near door, and then comes forward, facing audience. ] 
Ha ! See, above the clouds, my Alfred smiles upon me ! 

Alfeed, [aside.) What's that? The key! If she will 
only keep quiet. [Gets key, and opens door.] Adieu ! 

Beetha, [turning suddenly.) Ah, he escapes ! [Follows 
him to door, and then returns, laughing.] Wasn't it funny ! 
I don't think he will propose to one ! 

Enter Emily. 

Well, Em, what news ? 

Emily. Our plot succeeds finely. He is in the garden, 

talking about by moonlight, alone, and says he will 
ever re-enter the doors where two mad women are suffered 
to run at lame. 



72 MARPLOT. 

Bertha. I am completely exhausted, Em, with my ef- 
forts. It was rather hard work ! Seems to me, we plot as 
energetically to lose our lover as some girls do to gain one ! 

[Curtain falls. 



Scene III. — Same a$ before. — [Marplot.] 

Curtain rises, discovering Emily, seated. 

Emily. I am rather puzzled what to do. The man 
cannot stay in the garden all night ! It is too late to return 
to the city, and he will not come into the house. I have 
sent him a dozen messages, but he will not trust himself 
under the roof where Bertie and I are ! 

Enter Bebtha. 

Bertha. Oh, Emily, our plot is ruined ! 

Emily. Ruined ! how ? 

Bertha. Aunt Jerusha heard our scheme, and she has 
just told Mr. Buttercup all ! 

Emily. The hatef uL old marplot ! 

Enter Alfred. 

Alfred, (with dignity.) Miss Emily and Miss Bertha, I 
have come to withdraw the pwoposals that were so distaste- 
ful to you, and to expwess my sincere wegwet at the annoy- 
ance I have caused you ! I am sowwy I appear so hate- 
ful. 

Emily, (hastily.) No, no ! we owe you an apology, Mr. 
Buttercup, for our conduct. It was no dislike to you, but 
— but — a [Hesitates. 



MARPLOT. 73 

Alfred, [smiling. ) Ah, I see ! I have a wival ! Had 
you but twusted me with your secwet, if secwet it is, be- 
lieve me it would have been perfectly safe, and I should 
; never have caused you the least annoyance ! 

Bertha, (aside. ) Hang the fellow ! If he goes on at this 
rate, I shall fall in love with him, in spite of myself ! 

Emily. Oh, Mr. Buttercup, if you will only tell mother 
you cannot like either of us ! 

Enter Mbs. Meddlesome, [She stands back, not perceived by the 

others. ] 

Alfred. But I have alweady witten to your mother. 
It was my father's last wequest for me to mawwy one of 
the daughters of his partner, but if they both wefuse 
me 

Bertha. Oh, that will never do ! We have been for- 
bidden to refuse you. You must refuse us ! 

Alfred. "What weason can I give ? 

Emily. Say you love another ! 

Alfred. What ! since witing that letter yesterday ? 

Emily. Say you met her in the cars, on your way here ! 

[Alfred reflects. 

Bertha, (aside.) How handsome he is ! Harry, poor 
fellow, is not handsome, and he loves money better than 
he does me, at any rate ! 

Alfred. Well, I will ! though 

Mrs. Meddlesome, (coming forward.) Gals, I'm ashamed 
of you ! The way you've gone on this evening is perfectly 
disgraceful ! I'll just tell your mother the whole of your 
cuttings-up, and this last fine plot ! 

Emily. Oh ! you will not spoil that too ? 

Mrs. Meddlesome. Certain sure, I will ! 



74 MARPLOT. 

Bertha. I see no help for it ! With such an active mar- 
plot in the family, scheming is useless ! Mr. Buttercup, I 
— that is, will you — if we — you — I — in short — will you take 
me? 

Alfred. If you — I — I — in short — I will ! 

[Curtain falls. 

Position of characters at fall of curtain : 
Emily, Bertha, Alfred, Mrs. Meddlesome. 



! 






MAD-CAP. 






CHAEACTEKS. 

Me. Larry Testy, an old Gentleman. 

Frank Lathorpe, his Nephew. 

Mr. Beaumont, a Dandy. 

Mrs. Martha Testy, Mr. Testy 's Wife. 

Nan, her Niece. 



PEOPEKTIES. 



Table, Chairs, Sofa, Pen, Ink, and Paper. A Poem, in Manu- 
script. Basket of Sewing Materials. Band-box, containing an old 
Lady's Cap, neatly trimmed with white. Box, filled with Feathers, 
Flowers, and Ribbon. Looking-glass. Piece of Knitting, with 
Needles in it. Photograph. Beet, Potato, Carrot A piece of 
Chintz, sewed into a confused bunch. A quantity of Feathers, such 
as are used for stuffing pillows. 



MID-CAP. 



Scene I. [Mad.] 

A parlor, Frank Lathorpe seated at a table, writing. 

Fkank. There, I think my poem will do now ! This is 
the eighteenth revision I have made. Ah ! my name will 
descend to posterity — live in undying fame ! Yet, what is 
fame to a heart stricken as mine is ? Paulina, my own 
Paulina ! Ah, my blood dances ! my heart throbs ! I shall 
yet rave, if I think on her ! [ Walks up and down, beating 
his bi^easf] I could rave ! go mad ! to think upon her 
beauty, and her cruelty ! 

Enter Nan. 

Nan. Ha ! ha ! ha ! wasn't it funny ! How mad uncle 
Lawrence was ! Halloo, cousin Frank, what's the matter 
with you ? 

Fbank. Allow me, fair Antoinette, to reiterate the ques- 
tion. What afforded you the exquisite gratification betok- 
ened by that silvery laugh ? 

Nan. Laugh ? I was laughing at uncle Lawrence. I 
left him in a perfect fury, because — [laughs] — because I 
put my kitten in his boot. He tossed the poor innocent 
animal out of the dining-room window, and I looked out to 
see if it would light on its feet. 



78 MAD-CAP. 

Frank. Oh, Antoinette, why will you persist in such 
freaks ? Over the soft nature of thy dear sex should steal 
a gentleness so sweet, that all infringement of propriety 
would be impossible. Refinement, elegant improvement, 
should be the standard of thy wishes, the goal of thy de- 
sires. [Aside.] Ah, Paulina ! Paulina ! 

Nan. Cousin Frank ! 

Frank. Fair cousin ! 

Nan. Did you swallow any of the poets with your break- 
fast ? [Sees his poem.] Why, what is this? A poem, in 
manuscript, as I'm a sinner ! 

Frank. Do not disturb my papers. 

Nan, [inking the papers, springs upon a chair.) I must 
read them, cousin. Ahem ! Listen ! 

Frank, (silting down.) Read, then. That dulcet voice 
will add new music to my strains. 

Nan, (reads. ) Mad ! Is that the title, cousin ? 

Frank. Yes ; read on. 

Nan, (reading.) "The rays of evening's sun were gild- 
ing " — hem ! hem 

Frank. Why don't you go on ? 

Nan. I want to get over this description ; 'tis so long ! 
[Turns a leaf.] Ah, here comes the mad part ! [Reads.] 

66 Mad, do you call me ? Yes, I rave 
Before thy beauty's spell. 
To see thee, gives a taste of heaven, 
To see thee not, is " 

Why, cousin Frank, aint you ashamed to use such a 
word ? Fie ! fie ! 



Frank. Bah ! 'tis a poetical license. 






MAD-CAP. 79 

Nan, {reading.) " If in thy presence to bow down, 
With heart and brain on fire, 
To vest thee " 

Oh, fiddle ! I should think yon were mad, Frank ! 
\Gets down from chair, tosses aside the paper, and leans over 
Urn coaxingly.] Frank, who is she ? 

Frank. Do not torture me ! Do not tear open wounds 
yet unhealed ! Do not trample upon a heart yet sore with 
anguish ! Do not 

Nan. Stop, stop ! I won't, I won't ! Why, w T hat in the 
name of pity do you take me for ? the grand inquisitor ? 

Enter Mr. Testt, in a furious passion. 

Mr. Testy. I never saw such a torment ! Nan ! [ Takes 
\er by the arm and shakes her.] What the mischief do you 
nean by wetting all my tobacco ? 

Nan. Oh, how you pinch me ! 

Mr. Testy. Pinch you ! I have half a mind to shake 
you till you cannot see ! Where are my s}3ectacles ? 

Nan, {breaking away from him.) Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

[La ughs v iolen tly. 

Mr. Testy. What are you laughing at, miss ? 

Nan. There, uncle Larry, [comes up to him coaxingly ,] 
don't be cross ! I'll tell you w T here they are. You know- 
how you always scolded about the dog next door, who 
barked all night. Well, I only tied the spectacles to his 
nose, and he started off dow r n the street at such a rate that 
people thought he was mad, and chased him. 

Mr. Testy. Where ? 

Nan. I don't know ! He has not come back, and I 
hope he never will ! 



80 MAD-CAP. 

Mk. Testy. And so, you have lost my spectacles, you 
good-for-nothing 

Nan. Don't scold, uncle ! You can sleep in peace to- 
night. I've deprived you of your howling neighbor. 

Enter Mrs. Testy. 

Mrs. Testy. Oh, dear me ! dear me ! 

Nan. What's the matter, auntie ? 

Mus. Testy. Matter ! matter, indeed ! Somebody's salt- 
ed all my preserves, and sugared all my pickles ! 

Mil. Testy. Sugared all your pickles ! 

Frank. Salted all your preserves ! 

Nan, (aside.) I saved one jar for my own eating. 

Mr. Testy. Nan, you torment ! this is some of your 
work ! 

Nan, (crying.) It's too bad, everything is laid to my 
charge ! 

Mrs. Testy. Don't cry, darling ! How can you be so 
unjust, Larry ? I don't believe the dear child ever thought 
of such a thing. There, dear ; don't cry ! Your old auntie 
loves you ! 

Nan, (sobbing. ) They all abuse me ! 

'Mrs. Testy, (embracing her.) Never mind. You shall 
help me put up more preserves and pickles. 

Nan. I don't want to. I had rather eat them when 
they are put up. 

Mrs. Testy. So you shall, then ! Come with me, my 
darling. I will see if I can find any more of the cakes you 
liked yesterday. [Exeunt Mrs. Testy and Nan. 

Mr. Testy. There, that's just the way ! She nearly sets 
me frantic with her pranks, and Martha pets her for it. 



MAD-CAP. 81 

She's put a kitten in my boot, who tore my foot nearly to 

pieces ; and she's wet all my tobacco, and spoiled all the 

reserves and pickles, and lost my spectacles, and her aunt 

ill punish her by giving her cake. I declare, it is enough 

o drive one mad ! [Exit. 

Frank. What a bewitching little tyrant she is, with it 
all ! Her childlike mischief is fascinating, from its very 

whimsicality. Could I forget Paulina What do I say ? 

Forget her ! Never ! [ Takes up his poem.'] What's this ? 
Two pages torn — one gone ! Oh, Antoinette, could you 
.not have spared my poem ? [Begins to read.] Mad ! 
Bah J I am glad she did ruin it. I'll burn it, and write an 
allegro sonnet to my bewitching cousin ! [Begins to write. 

[Curtain falls. 



Scene II. — Same as Scene I. [Cap.] 

Upon the table is a band-box, and beside it is a basket of sewing mar 
terials. A looking-glass also on table. 

Enter Nan and Frank. 

Nan. The sonnet ? Oh, yes, I found it in my room 
lis morning. It was very nice. 

Frank, (with a look of horror.) Nice ! 

Nan. Yes, the verses were quite respectable. 

Frank. Bespectable ! 

Nan. And the sentiment very fair. 

S' 1 \ Frank. Fair ! 

Nan. I have a decided objection though, cousin, to be- 
> ing called a fiend. [Takes the verses from her pocket, and 

6 



82 MAD-CAP. 

opens them.] See here. "My love ! my fairest hope ! my 
fiend !" 

Frank, {looking over her shoulder.) Left out the E I 

meant friend, Antoinette ! 

Nan. Oh, friend ! Friend will do very well. 

Frank, {sentimentally.) Would I could call you by a 
dearer name ! 

Nan, [carelessly. ) Well, call away. I don't care ! What 
will you call me? 

Frank. My love ! 

Nan. Hem ! What will that woman you were going 
mad about, say ? [Goes toward table. 

Frank, (aside.) By Jove ! I had forgotten all about 
Paulina ! How pretty she looks ! 

Nan, {opening the band-box. ) I wonder what's in here ? 

Frank, (aside.) She has not Paulina's dignity, but she 
has a grace peculiarly her own. 

Nan. Auntie's new cap ! [Takes out a white cap, simply 
trimmed with white ribbons.] 

Frank, (aside.) Heigho ! I believe I will forget Pau- 
lina, and try to win fair Antoinette ! 

Nan, (putting on the cap, and looking in the glass.) I 
wonder what kind of an old woman I'd make ! Frank ? 

Frank, (turning to face her.) My fair cousin ! 

Nan. Be more respectful, sir ! This venerable female 
wishes consideration from youth, on account of her 
years ! 

Frank. What are you doing with my aunt's cap ? 

Nan, (looking again in the glass.) I think a few pink 
flowers would make it more becoming. Oh, I know what 
I'll do ; I'll have some fun ! Frank, won't you go to my 



MAD-CAP. 83 

room, and bring me a box you will find on the bureau ? 
The only one there. 

Frank. I fly, fair cousin, to do your bidding ! [Exit. 

Nan, (pulling a chair to front of stage, putting the band- 
box and work-basket on it; then dragging another forward 
and sitting on it.) I'll trim auntie's cap for her ! 

Enter Fkank with a box. 

That's it, Frank ! Lock the door. 

Frank:. Lock the door ? 
j Nan. Yes, we'll have a little tete-a-tete ! a tete, a tote, 
a turn. Quick ! 

Frank, (locking the door. ) What new mischief have you 
lioot ? [Bri?igs a low stool and sits at her feet, with the box 
n his lap.] 

Nan, (opening the box.) Now, then ! Ah, here's a pink 
rose ; this goes here ! [Sews the rose on cap. 

Frank. Antoinette, what are you about? My aunt's 
new cap 

Nan. Mind your own business ; I'll mind mine ! You 
make verses, I trim caps. I don't interfere with your work 
— let mine alone ! 

Frank. Interfere ! Who tore my ' ' Ode to Melancholy " 
into shreds ? 

Nan. I did ! Such stuff ! [Looks in the box and takes 
out a long piece of blue ribbon, of which she makes a large 
bow.] 
. Frank. Stuff! 

Nan. Yes, all about yelling ravens, and croaking owls, 
and howling cats. 

Frank. Howling cats ! 

Nan. And scraped joys. 



84 MAD-CAP. 

Frank. What ! Scraped joys ? Oil, Antoinette ! 'Scaped 
— escaped. 

Nan. Oil ! I guess that was where you put the E that 
turned me from a friend into a fiend ! [Sews the bow on cap, 
and keeps talcing from the box an immense lot of ribbons, flow- 
ers, and feathers, which she puts on, until the cap is completely 
i covered, keeping up the conversation with Frank all the 
lime. ] 

Frank. Antoinette, you have no soul for poetry ! 
Nan. Yes I have ; but not for such love-sick trash as 
that was ! Recite to me now — something pretty. 

Frank, (aside.) What a chance ! I'll make fierce love 
to her, in poetry. Ahem ! [Aloud. 

"It is a fearful thing 
To love as I love thee. To feel the world — 
The bright, the beautiful, the joy-giving world " 

Nan. That's jolly. I like it ! 

Frank, (aside.) Jolly! when I was trying to be particu- 
larly dismal. I wish she would put down that cap, and 
look at me ! 

Nan. Go ahead, Frank ! What makes you stop ? 

Frank. * ' Into my heart a silent look 

Flashed from those careless eyes, 
And what before was shadow, took 
The light of summer skies !" 

Nan. Now, that's right pretty ! Here, Frank, look up ! 
I want to see how the cap looks now. [Puts the cap on 
Frank's head.] There, let's see if the crown is right ? 
[Makes him kneel, facing audience.] There ! aint that fine ? 
I'd make a fortune as a milliner ! 

Mrs. Testy, (shaking the door-handle.) Let me in! 
Who locked the door ? 



MAD-CAP. 85 

Nan. Oh, there's atmt Martha ! [Puts the cap hastily 
into band-box, replaces it and work-basket on the table, hiding 
the other box underneath.} 

Mrs. Testy, [knocking.) Open this door! Who's in 

there ? 

Nan. There ! Now, Frank, open the door. [Sits down, 
takes apiece of knitting from the basket, and pulls the needles 
out. ] 

Frank, [opening the door.) Come in, auntie. 

Mrs. Testy. What did you lock the door for ? 

Nan. I was practicing a new profession, auntie. 

Mrs. Testy. Mercy on me ! What's the child adoing 
with my knitting ? Don't you know you mustn't pull the 
needles out of knitting ? [Takes it from her. 

Nan, {whimpering.) I was only trying to learn how ! 

Mrs. Testy, [caressing her.) Never mind. You are a 
dear girl to try to be useful. I'll teach you how, to-morrow. 
[Sees band-box.] Why, there's my new cap ! [Opens band- 
box, and takes it out.] Why, mercy on me ! What did she 
mean by putting all these flowers on it ? 

Nan. Put it on, auntie ! 

Mrs. Testy. No, no ! I don't want no such harum- 
scarum thing on my head ! 

Nan. Do try it on ! 

Mrs. Testy. Well, well, to please you. [Goes to glass, 
p ids on cap.] Did any body ever see such an all- fired gay 
thing ? My stars, I feel quite dressed up ! 

Nan. It's very becoming. 

Frank. I'm going out, auntie. Put the box in the car- 
nage, and I'll leave it at the milliner's. 



MAD-CAP. 






Nan, [hastily. ) No, no ! / can alter it, auntie ! 
Mrs. Testy. That's a dear, useful girl ! 

[Curtain falls, 



Scene III. — Same as Scene II. [Mad-cap.] 

Enter Mr. Testy. 

Mr. Testy. "What on earth shall I do with Nan ? I 
can't keep her out of mischief one hour at a time. She is 
as saucy as a housemaid ; and, to crown the whole, she has 
now a whole lot of beaux coming here all the time. She, 
not out of short dresses yet ! 

Enter Mr. Beaumont. 

Mr. Beaumont. Good morning, Mr. Tasty ! Is Made 
moiselle Antoinette at home ? 

Mr. Testy. Yes, sir, she is at home. 

Mr. Beaumont. Aw I can I see her ? 

Mr. Testy. What for ? 

Me. Beaumont. What for ? Aw, really ! I merely 
stopped to pay my respects ! 

Mr. Testy. Your respects ! My niece is too young yet 
. to receive gentleman visitors ! 

Enter Nan. 

Nan. Ah, Mr. Beaumont ! how d'ye do ? Uncle, this 
is my friend, Mr. Beaumont. My uncle, Mr. Testy, sir. 
[Both gentlemen bow very stiffly.] Pray, be seated, Mr. 
Beaumont ! [Mr. Beaumont hands her a chair, and sits 
down himself.] I looked for you at the opera, last evening. 
You were not there. 



MAD-CAP. 87 

Mk. Beaumont. Had I known you were there, no pow- 
er on earth would have kej)t me away ! 

[Puts his hat on the floor. 

Nan. Have you seen the new photographs of Colson ? 
Mr. Beaumont. No ! are they good ? 
Nan. I will show you mine. Excuse me for a moment. 
[Exit, taking Mr. B. 's hat, unperceived by him. 
Mr. Beaumont. Do you visit the opera often, Mr. 
Tasty ? 

Mr. Testy, [snappishly. ) Testy, sir ! Testy ! 

[Sits down on sofa. 

Mr. Beaumont, [aside. ) Yery testy, I should say. 

winter Nan. She has a picture and Me. Beaumont's hat, which she 
I candies so as to show audience that it is half full of feathers. 
She puts hat in its old place on the floor, and hands Me. Beaumont 
f the picture. 

Mr. Beaumont. Excellent ! excellent ! Colson herself ! 
Nan, [aside.) The portrait which our Irish girl had 
taken for her beau ! 

Enter Mes. Testy, carrying apiece of sewing, stitched in a bunch. 

Mrs. Testy. I cannot imagine how I came to sew this 
apron together in this way. I must have been very sleepy 
last evening. 

Nan, [aside.) But I was very wide awake. [Mrs. Testy 
tits down on sofa, beside Mr. Testy. Nan, going behind 
them.] What ails it, aunt Martha ? 

Mrs. Testy. Nothing, darling ! I can soon rip it out. 
[Nan pins Mr. Testy's coat-tails to Mrs. Testy's dress. 

Enter Feank. 
Frank. Antoinette, did you sew up all the pockets in 
my great coat ? 



88 MAD-CAP. 

Nan, [innocently. ) I, cousin Frank ? 

Frank, (seeing Mr. Beaumont.) All, Mr. Beaumont, 
good morning ! 

Mr. Beaumont, (rising. ) Good morning, and good bye ! 
I was just on the point of leaving. 

[Mr. and Mrs. Testy rise. They pull different ways, 
pinned fast together. Frame, draws out his handkerchief and 
a carrot, potato, and beet, roll out of it on the floor. Mr. Beau- 
mont puts on his hat, and the feathers fly all over him. While 
Nan, in the background, claps her hands, laughing at the mis- 
chief 

. \Gurtain falls. 



INCONSTANT. 



CHARACTERS. 

Mr. Smith. 

Mrs. Gertrude Smith. 

Mr. Frederick Goldsmith. 

Mr. Bustle, Landlord of an Inn, 

Bob, his Man. 

Susy, his Maid. 



PROPERTIES. 

Furniture for the parlor of an Inn. 



INCONSTANT. 



Scene I. [Inn.] 

lie parlor of an Inn. Mr. Bustle, pushing a table into its place. 
Susy, dusting. 

Mr. Bustle. Come, Susy, fly round. The coach will 
>e here in half a minute more, and we are sure to have 
sompany. Is dinner all ready ? 

Susy. Yes, sir. I've baked the pies, and boiled the 
uddings, and fried the fish, and stewed the mutton, and 
Doiled the parsnips, and warmed the hash, and drawed the 
tea, and cooked the rest of the things ! 

Mr. Bustle. All right ! [Horn heard outside.] There's 
the coach ! 

Susy. Yes, sir, I hear the horses' feet, and that's Mr. 
Dumps, the coachman, a-scolding, I'm sure ! 

Bob, (behind the scenes. ) This way, if yees plase. 

Enter Bob, bowing, followed by Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Mr. 
Frederick Goldsmith. 

Frederick. Aw, this is the pawlaw, is it ? You can 
leave us, good people. 

Mr. Smith. Serve dinner as soon as possible. 

Mr. Bustle. Yes, sir. Dinner will be ready in ten 
minutes. Come, Susy ; come, Bob ! [Exit. 



92 INCONSTANT. 

Bob. Comin', sir. [Goes to door, and waits for Susy ; 
as she passes, tries to put his arm round her ; she runs out, he 
after her.] 

Frederick. Aw, pwetty girl, 'pon honaw ! 

Mrs. Smith. I wish, Frederick, you would break your- 
self of this habit of staring at every girl we meet. Even 
the waiting-maid of an inn seems to come in for a share of 
your indiscriminate praise ! 

Frederick. Aw, Gertwude, you are severe ! Are you 
not fatigued, sistaw, with our long wide ? 

Mrs. Smith. Yes ; when we have dined, I must rest 
for a few hours. 



I 



Enter Bob. 
Bob. If yees plase, dinner is sarved. 
Mr. Smith. Ah, this is punctual. Come, Gertrude, 
[Offers Mrs. Smith his arm.] 

[Exeunt. Mr. Goldsmith follows them. 

Bob. Sure, now, that's the rale quality, and no mistake. 
Siventeen trunks, niver a less ! When a man has sarved 
in an inn for a while he larns what's gintale, sure. 

Enter Susy. 
Susy. Why, Bob, what are you doing in the parlor ? 

Bob. Whist now, be aisy ! It's at dinner they all are, 
and we can have a little rational conversation, sure. Ah, 
Susy, it's the picter ye are, with the new cap ye have on 
ye, and it's the beautiful landlady ye'll make by-and-by ! 

Susy. So you still think you will keep an inn when we 
are married ? 

Bob. Yis, honey. Ye see there's intertainment and 
profit, both in one, and a wee sup now and then ; and no- 
body to say by your lave to ! 



INCONSTANT. 93 

Susy. Oh, Bob ! I'm afraid you like the wee sup too 
much now. 

Bob. Niver a bit, darlint. Don't ye fret. Sure, Susy, 
your bright eyes '11 always do the work when I want to be 
intoxicated, sure ! 

Susy. I wish you would think of some other trade, 
' though, Bob. I am tired of living in an inn. 

Bob. Arrah, darlint, ye'll find there's a great difference 
r betwane being maid and mistress. But it's a long way 
ahead before we've the money to buy even a stock, so we 
won't fret about it. [Bell rings outside. 

Susy. They are ringing for you. Go, Bob ! 
Bob. Yis, I'm going. 
Mb. Bustle, [behind the scenes.) Susy, Susy ! 

Bob. It's yourself, after all. [Kisses her.] Take that, 
/and my blessing ! 

Susy. For shame, Bob ! [Exit. 

Bob. Oh, it's the jewel of the world she is, with her 
bright eyes, and swate smile, sure ! 

[Sings Rory O'More. 

1 ' And he looked in her eyes, that were beaming with light, 
And he kissed her swate lips, don't ye think he was right ?" 

Enter Me. Smith. 

Mb. Smith. Here, I want you to go to the inn, at the 
other end of the village, and get the trunk I left there last 
week. 

Bob. The Golden Horn, sir ? 

Mr. Smith. Yes ; ask for Mr. Smith's trunk. [Bob 
starts to go. ,] Stop, I will give you an order. [Takes a pen- 
cil from his pocket and a card; writing. ] ' ' Deliver to " 

What's your name ? 



94 INCONSTANT. 

Bob. Eobert, sir. 

Me. Smith, (writing.) " To Eobert " What's your 

other name ? 
Bob. Bob, sir. 
Mr. Smith. Stupid ! I mean your last name. 

Bob. It's O'Killencacolony, sir, of O'Killencacolony 
Hall, sir, twenty miles the other side of Londonderry. 

Mr. Smith. Pshaw! {Writes.'] "Deliver to bearer 
" There, sir ! take that card and get my trunk. 

Bob. Yis, sir. What am I to do with the trunk, sure, 
when I get it ? 

Mr. Smith. Bring it to me, of course. {Gives him 
some money. ,] There, see if that will brighten your wits 
any ! 

Bob. Sure, sir, it's a gintleman you are, and so is your 
beautiful wife, sir ! Thank you, sir ; may you live ten 
thousand years, sir. I [Bows. 

Mr. Smith. There, go ! 

Bob. Yis, sir. [Exit 

Mr. Smith. I hope the accommodations here will be 
better than at the Golden Horn, though I never saw an inn 
in my life that was fit to stay a week in. 

Enter Mes. Smith. 

Mrs. Smith. My dear I 

Mr. Smith, (aside.) She's going to scold ; she always 
begins in that way. 

Mrs. Smith, (sharply.) It would be good manners, sir, 
to pay some little attention when I am speaking. 

Mr. Smith. My love, I am all ears. 

Mrs. Smith. So is a donkey ! 



INCONSTANT. 

Mb. Smith. Comparisons, my charmer, are odious. 

Mrs. Smith. I want to know how long you intend to 
stay at this detestable inn. 

Me. Smith. Detestable, my love ? 

Mrs. Smith. Yes, sir, detestable! There was so much 
pepper on the salad that I could not eat it, and the fish — 
Faugh ! — was fried instead of boiled. I detest fried fish. 

Mr. Smith. There was mutton, my love. 

Mrs. Smith. I abhor mutton. 

Mr. Smith. And beef. 

Mrs. Smith. There is never anything fit to eat in an 
inn. How long will you stay here ? 

Mr. Smith. Only a short time, my love. I have some 
business to transact for a client, and then we will go to 
your cousin's. 

, Mrs. Smith. "Who, thank fortune, does not keep an 
inn ! [Curtain falls. 



Scene II. — Same as Scene I. [Constant.] 

Enter Susy. 

Susy. I wonder why that dandy didn't go away with 
the rest of the folks. He follows me all about, and keeps 
making love to me. I don't like it. I wish he'd go away.i 
I daren't tell Bob, for fear he'll go to fighting or something, 
and get into trouble. 

Enter Frederick. 
Frederick. Ah, Susy, chawming Susy, are you there ? 
Susy, {trying to pass him.) Mr. Bustle is calling me, air. 



96 INCONSTANT. 

Frederick. Aw, I left him at the bar, vewy busy. I 

don't think he wants yon. 

[Tries to catch her. Susy runs to front of stage. 

Susy. I wish you'd let me alone, sir. I have my work 
to do. 

Frederick. It's a shame for such pwetty hands to hav 
to work. Aw, Susy, how would you like to be a wich 
woman ? 

Susy. Lor, sir ! I shouldn't like to be a witch at all, 
sir ! 

Frederick. No, no ! not witch. "Wich — don't you know ? 
wealthy ! 

Susy. Oh, rich ! 

Frederick. Yes, wich. I said wich. How would yo 
like to mawwy some wich man ? 

Susy. Lor, sir, I can t ! I'm engaged to Bob ! 

Frederick. "Who's Bob ? 

Susy. The man I'm engaged to, sir. 

Frederick. He's nothing but a poor Iwishman. Now, 
if you mawwy me, I will give you fine clothes, and evewy- 
thing you can wish for. 

Susy. But what would Bob do ? 

Frederick. Mawwy somebody else. 

Susy. Marry somebody else ? Bob, my Bob ! 

Frederick. He wouldn't be your Bob if he mawwied 
some other woman. 

Susy. He wouldn't do it. Bob is as constant as— as— I 
intend to be. 

Frederick. Why, Susy, you won't be so foolish ? If 
you awe my wife you can keep a cawwidge, and wear fine 
dwesses, and go to the opewa, and 

Susy. It's just no use a-talking. I won't. There ! 



INCONSTANT. 97 

Frederick. Do you love Bob ? 

Susy. Yes, I do. 

Frederick. Well, Susy, if you will be my wife we will? 
give Bob a tavern, and let him go into business for him- 
self. 

Susy. He wouldn't take it — I know he wouldn't. You 
do not know him, sir. He is rough and rude, but under 
all that he carries a true Irish heart, and he loves me ! I 
feel it here. [Puts her hand on her hearty 

Frederick. Bah ! he'd get over it in a week ! 

Susy. It is very cruel for you to torment me so. I wish 
you would go away. I — I — just hate you. There ! 

[Begins to cry. 

Frederick. Don't cwy. There ! [Comes close to her.] 
I declare, it distwesses me ! Let me kiss away the tears. 

[Tries to take her hands from her face. 

Susy. Go away. I know Bob loves me. I don't care 
what you say. Let me alone. 

Frederick. I am sowwy I said so. [Takes her hands in 
his.] Kiss me for forgiveness, 

Susy. I won't. Let me go. [Struggles. 

Frederick. Then I must kiss you. 

Susy. Let me go. Bob, Bob ! [Calls. 

Enter Bob. 

Bob. Arrah, what's the matter ? 

[Pushes Mr. Goldsmith violently away. 

Frederick. Fellow, go away ! You intrude. 

Susy. Bob, dear Bob ! don't go. 

Bob. I won't. What do you mane, sir, torminting % 
poor wake woman ? Sure, I'm ashamed of ye. 

7 



98 INCONSTANT. 

Frederick. Leave the woom, fellow ! 

Bob. Lave it yourself, if ye think there's too many in 
it. [Caresses Susy.] There, darlint, don't cry. 

Frederick. I'll see if your master can cure you of this 
impertinence ! [Exit 

Bob. Susy, mavourneen, don't cry; he's a low baste, 
and not worth the tears you're wasting on him. 

Susy. Oh, Bob, you do love me — don't you ? 

Bob. Is it loving you ? Arrah, aint me heart aching 
with the love for you, Susy ! 

Enter Mb. Bustle. 

Mr. Bustle. Pretty doings ! Insulting a gentleman in 
my house ! Now, Eobert, you travel. Go ; I discharge 
you. Leave the house this instant. 

Susy. Discharge Bob ! [Begins to cry again. 

Mr. Bustle. You will take your trunk and go, sir. I 
give you half an hour. [Exit. 

Bob. Where shall I go ? He won't give me a character. 

Susy. Oh, Bob, Bob ! and it was all for love of me ! 

Bob. Never mind, Susy! Sure, a willing heart and 
a strong arm will find something to do. Cheer up, 
Susy ! 

Susy. Oh, Bob, if you go away you'll forget me ! 

Bob. Sure, you're mistaken there ! I'll be as constant 



as — as- 



Susy. I was, to-day ? 

Bob. Yis, Susy ! you must tell me all about it. 

[They sit down. Curtain falls. 






INCONSTANT. 99 

Scene III. — Same as Scenes I. and IE. [Inconstant.] 

Enter Susy, dressed in white, 

Susy. I wonder what my old admirer, Bob, would say, 
if he saw me to-day ! It is three months since he went 
away, and I can't wait forever for a lover ! So, as Mr. 
Bustle is a very nice man, and as I think landlady of this 
inn is a preferable situation to maid of all work, I con- 
cluded to become Mrs. Bustle ! 

Enter Me. Bustle. 
Mr. Bustle. Ah, Susy, all ready ? 
Susy, (bashfully.) Yes, sir ! 

Mb. Bustle. Come, then. I have a carriage. Oh, we 
will go to church in style ! 

Susy, [aside.) Bob would never have thought of a car- 
riage. [Takes Me. Bustle's arm, after a moment's pause. 

[Exeunt. 

Enter Bob. 

Bob. Arrah, now, I wonder where Susy is ! I've hunt- 
ed all over the house, and I can't find her. I wonder if 
she's gone with the wedding folks I saw starting from the 
door ? Sure, I think it was a wedding, for I saw a lady in 
white a-getting into one of the coaches. Susy ! [Calls.] 
Susy ! Sure, I wonder if she's gone away from the place ? 
Well, I'll wait a bit, anyhow. Sure, if I could write I'd 
lave a bit of a line, to tell her that I am going to get mar- 
ried to Mrs. Mulroony, cook to the quality folks, where 
I'm living. It's rather an awkward thing to tell a woman 
it's inconstant you are ! She'll cry of course, and call me 
names. Well, Bob, make up your mind to bear it like a 
man. Sure, Mrs. Mulroony's got a hape of money laid by. 
and is worth havin'. It was a hard wooing she cost you, 



10 INCONSTANT. 






now ; but blarney did the business ! Ah, blarney's the 
jewel of the courtin' ! Sorra a girl can stand it. [Sings* 

THE GROVES OF BLARNEY. 
Air—" Last Rose of Summer." 

"The Groves of Blarney, they are so charming, 
All by the murmur of sweet silent streams ; 
Being banked with posies, that spontaneous growses, 
Planted in order, by the sweet rock close. 
'Tis there the daisy, and sweet carnation, 
The blooming pink, and the rose so fair, 
The daffy-down-dilly, likewise the jilly, 
Flowers that scent the sweet fragrant air. 

Och hone— Och hone ! 

" There's gravel walks there, for speculation, 
And conversation in sweet solitude ; 
'Tis there the lover may hear the dove, or 
The gentle plover, in the afternoon. 
And if a young lady would be so engaging; 
To walk alone in these shady bowers, 
'Tis there the courtier, he may transport her 
To some dark fortress, all under ground. 

Och hone— Och hone ! 

11 'Tis there the kitchen, hangs many a flitch in, 
With the maids a-stitching upon the stair. 
The bread and biscuit, the beer and whiskey, 
Would make us frisky if we were there. 
'Tis there you see Peg Murphy's daughter, 
A-washing praties fornint the door " 

"Whist ! Somebody's coming ! 

Enter Me. Bustle. 

Mr. Bustle. Bob ! what are you doing here, sir ? 
Bob. Arrah, now be aisy, Misther Bustle ! I only came 
to wish you good day. The top o' the mornin' till ye ! 
Mr. Bustle. Then you heard I was to be married ? 



INCONSTANT. 101 

Bob, {aside.) Niver a bit. [Aloud.] Sure, sir, and 
when a man of consequence is married, all the village 
knows it. 

Mr. Bustle. Well, sir, since you are here, you had 
better stay to dinner. Mrs. Bustle will make you welcome. 
She has gone now to take her bonnet off, but I'll call her 
Town. Susy ! 

Bob. Susy ! Sure, Mr. Bustle, is it Susy you've mar- 
ried ? 

Mb. Bustle. Yes ! you remember Susy ? Susy ! 

[Exit. 

Bob, (after a prolonged whistle.) If iver a man throubles 
his head for inconstancy, he's an idiot ; for if he's a man 
of sinse, he may be sure his girl has got the start of him. 
Won't I pay her. The jilt ! To think of her desarting me 
in this way ! 

Enter Susy. 

Susy. Did you call, Mr. Bustle ? [Sees Bob.] Why, 
Bob ! where did you come from ? 

Bob. Is it there ye are, with your white dress and fix- 
ins ? Arrah, aint you ashamed to look me in the face ? 

Susy. Aint you ashamed, .to leave me for three entire 
months, without ever coming near me ? 

Bob. Arrah, go long wid ye ! Wasn't it working me 
fingers off I was, for love of ye ? [Turns away. 

Susy, (aside.) I — I don't know what to say. It was a 
shame for me to be inconstant to the poor fellow ! [Aloud.] 
Bob! 

Bob. Don't spake to me ! All, it's altogether heart- 
broken I am, wid yer tricks ! 

Susy. Well, Bob, it was partly your fault ; you never 
sent, or came to me. I didn't know but what you were 
dead ! 



102 INCONSTANT. 

Bob. Arrah, thin, it's mourning ye ought to be in, 
afther the way I loved ye ! Good-bye till ye ! 

Enter Mr. Bustle. 

Mr. Bustle. Bob, there's a woman, a Mrs. Mulroony, 
down stairs, wants you. She says she don't like her man 
to come to a tavern. 

Susy. Her man ! Oh, Bob, who is inconstant now ? 

[Bob runs out \ Susy follows him to door. 

[Curtain falls. 



DOMESTIC. 



CHARACTERS. 

Mes. Clifford. 

Tom, her Son. 

Dolly, their Servant, alias Geoegiana Raymond. 



PROPERTIES. 



Kitchen Furniture. Several Notes, in envelopes. Parlor Furni- 
ture. Buster. A common wooden Table. An earthen Pan, con- 
taining Bough. Tea-tray, Tea-pot, Sugar-bowl, and Cream- pitcher. 
Plate of Bread. Plate of Butter. Plate of Cake. Plates, Cups. 
Saucers, and Knives, for two. Bell. 



DOMESTIC. 



Scene I. [Dough.] 

A kitchen. In the centre of room stands a common wooden table, 
and upon it an earthen pan, containing dough. Behind the ta- 
ble, facing the audience, is Dolly, kneading the dough. 

Dolly. Heigho ! this life is killing me. Up and down, 
from morning till night ; but I am laying in a stock of use- 
ful knowledge, that's one comfort. This is my first batch 
of bread, and Mrs. Clifford left very minute directions. I 
hope it will please them, for if I lose this place, without a 
good character for the next one, where can I go ? Ha ! 
some one is coming. 

Enter Tom. 
Tom. Oh, Dolly, bring me a pitcher of hot water, in 
about ten minutes. 

Dolly, (in broad Irish.) Arrah, Misther Tom, if it's fin- 
ished I am with the bread. Sure, I can't be getting wather, 
and me hands in the dough ! 

Tom. I never noticed it before, but you are very pretty, 
Dolly! 

Dolly. Arrah, now, go away wid yer blarney ! 

Tom, (aside.) Now I look again, she has quite an air ot 
refinement ; and, by jingo ! what a foot for a servant-girl ! 

Dolly, (aside. ) Why does he stare so ? I hope he don't 
suspect ! I wish he would go away. 

Tom. Dolly, when did you leave Ireland ? 

[Comes forward, and leans on table. 



106 



DOMESTIC. 



Dolly. Arrah, now, go away, Misther Tom ; it's upset- 
ting the dough you'll be ! 

Tom, [taking a seat by the table.) I'll wait here till you've 
finished with the bread, and can get me the water. Dolly, 
you didn't tell me when you left Ireland ? 

Dolly. Arrah, go away wid ye, and don't be bothering 
me. 

Tom. Dolly, what made you leave home ? 

Dolly. Arrah, it was the sore poverty, Misther Tom. 
Every pratie was wanted by the bits of childer and the old 
wake folks, and so the young and strong crossed the wide 
say, to Ameriky, to earn our bread, and [looking at the 
dough] make it. 

Tom. And how long ago was that ? 
Dolly. Eetter'n two years, sir. 
Tom. Then you have lived out before ? 
Dolly. No, sir ; this is me first place. 
Tom. Why, where were you before ? 
Dolly, (embarrassed.) I — I had relations, sure, that 
gave me me board and vittals. 

Tom. Dolly, you are very pretty ; do you know it ? 
Dolly. Arrah, sir, it's blarneying ye are. 
Tom. No, I don't blarney, Dolly. 

[Puts his arm round her. 

Dolly. Go away, Misther Tom, or I'll call your mother, 
sure. 

Tom. Keep quiet ; you'll upset the dough. I have you 
now a prisoner. I'll take only one kiss for ransom. It 
won't hurt much, so keep still ! 

Dolly, (taking her hands out.) Go away ! [Makes a 
ball of dough.] Sure, I'll throw this at you, if you don't 
let me alone. 



DOMESTIC. 107 

Tom, {talcing her by the wrists.) You can't. 

Dolly, (standing erect, and dropping the brogue.) Let 
me go, Mr. Clifford ! As a gentleman, I demand it ! You 
are, I trust, too much a man of honor to hold a la — a wo- 
man against her will. Release me ! 

Mrs. Clifford, (behind the scenes.) Dolly, Dolly ! 

Tom. Go to my mother. [Releases her. 

Dolly. Comin', marm. Arrah, I'm comin' ! [Exit. 

Tom. I was sure of it ! I knew that was not real 
brogue. I tried frightening her, and when fairly alarmed 
how quickly she dropped it. " Release me!" It was a 
regal tone in which she said it. Who is she ? I'll find out- 
I'll pay her, too, for refusing me a kiss ! [Goes to a corner, 
takes out a box of salt, and puts several large pieces into the 
dough.'] There ! if they discharge her, I'll find out who 
she is — if she suffers, I'll tell the truth and screen her. 

Enter Dolly. 

Dolly, (singing.) "The Groves of Blarney, they are so 
charming." Arrah, Misther Tom, aint ye gone yit ? 

Tom. No ! I want the water. 

Dolly. Well, let me knead me bread in pace, and I'll 
fetch it to ye in a minute. 

Tom. Well, bring it up. [Exit. 

Dolly. Have I betrayed myself ? I fear so ! I forgot 
everything when he tried to kiss me. Me ! 

Tom, (behind the scenes.) Come, Dolly, I'm waiting for 
my water t 

Dolly. Comin', sir, comin' ! Sure, if ye all call me off 
I'll never have the dough ready at all, at all. 

[Curtain falls. 



108 DOMESTIC. 

Scene II. [Mess.] 

A parlor. In the centre of the room is a table, spread for two. A 
tea-tray at the head. 

Enter Dolly, with a plate of bread. She puts it on the table, and 
rings a bell. 

Dolly. There ! tea is ready. I hope the bread is good ! 
Enter Mbs. Cllffokd and Tom. 

Mes. Clleeoed. I don't know what you mean, Tom*, by 
a mess ! 

Tom. Why, dear mother, on board ship we called each 
meal a mess. 

Mes. Cltffobd. That horrid sea ! I dare say every- 
thing yon ate was a mess, my poor boy ! 

[ They sit down to tea. 

Tom. This is a pretty story about old Crusty's ward, 
Miss Georgiana Raymond ! 

Mes. Clleeoed, [pouring out tea.) Why, what is it ? 

Dolly,- [aside.) I — I feel very faint. [Leans on a chair. 

Tom. Why, it appears that old Crusty was determined 
she should marry a protege of his — an old man, more suita- 
ble for her father or her grandfather than her husband. 

Dolly, (aside.) A perfect old horror ! 

Tom. So, as he was both old and ugly, Miss Georgiana 
very properly refused to marry him, and Mr. Crusty actually 
locked her up in her room, and threatened to keep her on 
bread and water if she did not consent. When he went to 
the room the next day, she was gone ! 

Mes. Cllefoed. Gone ! 

Tom. Yes ; had left the house. Will you take some 
butter ? 

Mes. Clieeoed. Thank you. Dear, dear ! I hope she 
has done nothing desperate ! Pass me the bread, Tom. 



DOMESTIC. 109 

Tom, (passing it.) Oh, I guess she will turn up. By 
the way, did not Miss Baymond give you Dolly's recom- 
mendation ? 

Mrs. Clifford. She sent it to me. [Bites her bread.'] 
Ugh ! Faugh ! [Spitting it out.] Doll, what have you put 
in this bread ? 

Dolly. Sure, marm, nothing but what you tould me. 

Mrs. Clifford. I never tasted such a mess ! * 

Tom. Dolly, Dolly ! "Wasn't some beau a-sparking you 
when you made it ? 

Mrs. Clifford. Tom, don't jest with the servants ; I 
don't like it. Dolly, I am sorry, but I can't keep you. 
You are too stupid. You make a mess of everything you 
touch ! 

Dolly, (crying.) Arrah, marm, don't be turning me 
away ! Sure, I'll thry, indade I will, to larn ! Oh, I'll 
niver spile anything again if ye'll only kape me ! 

Mrs. Clifford. I — Well, I'll try you once more. This 
bread is not fit tB eat. I'll go up stairs for some cake. 

[Exit 

Tom. Don't cry, Dolly ; I want to ask you something. 
Did you live with Miss Baymond ? 

Dolly, (sobbing.) Arrah, Misther Tom, it was you, wid 
yer nonsense, made me spile the bread. 

Tom. Dolly, how came Miss Baymond to give you the 
letter ? [ Aside. ] WTiat a small white hand she has ! 

Dolly. Oh, to think of all the good flour bein' wasted 
in that way ! 

Tom, (impatiently.) Dolly, why don't you give me an 

answer ? I 

Enter Mrs. Clifford, icith a plate of cake. 

Mrs. Cllfford. Stop crying, Dolly. Tom, come to 
your tea. 






HO • DOMESTIC. 

Tom. I don't want anything more. I am trying to make 
Dolly give me a rational answer. I have promised Mr. 
Crusty to assist him in finding his ward, and I want Dolly 
to tell me all she knows about her. 

Dolly, (aside.) Does he suspect the truth ? It looks 
like it ! Now, Dolly, make your wits help you ! 

Tom. Now, Dolly, tell me ! When did you last see 
Miss Eaymond ? 

Dolly. Arrah, thin, Misther Tom, ye mind the day ye 
was puttin' the book-case up forninst the bureau, in yer 
room ? 

Tom. Did you see her that day ? 

Dolly. No, sure, I didn't ; but I was calkelatin', d'ye 
see, the wakes and days back. You see that was a Mon- 
day. I mind, becase it was washin' I was whin ye called 
me to help ye, and ye lost the hammer, and I was 

Tom, (impatiently.) Tut ! but what has all this to do 
with Miss Kaymond ? 

Dolly. Arrah, ye're puttin' me all out o' me head, wid 
yer interruptions, sure ! 

Tom. Did you ever live with Miss Raymond ? 

Dolly. Arrah, is it her sarvint ye mane ! 

Tom. Yes ! 

Dolly. No, sir. I was niver her sarvint. 

Tom. "What were you then ? 

Dolly. Arrah, I was a frind till the family, like ! 

Tom. A friend of the family ? 

Dolly. Yes, sir. I was in throuble, and Miss Georg- 
iany hilped me out, sure ; and I was a frind in nade and a 
frind in dade ! 

Tom. Well, have you any idea where she is now ? 
Dolly. Well, ye see, Misther Tom, Miss Georgiany was 
always a kinder close like, and she niver did tell me out all 






DOMESTIC. Ill 

lier little sacrets. I mind onct, a long bit ago. sez she to 
me, " Dolly," sez she — hem, sez I — "Dolly," sez she — 
"I'm a thinkin'." Sure, marm, sez I, ye're always doin' 
that 

Tom. What a mess of trash you are talking ! I must let 
Mr. Crusty question you himself. 

Dolly. Mr. Crusty ! I — I [Slops, frightened. 

Tom. [aside. ) I was sure of it ! It is herself ! 

Mrs. Clifford. Come, Dolly, clear the table. 

Tom. Mr. Crusty will be here in a short time. After 
you let him in, Dolly, do not leave the room. Mother, we 
will finish our novel, now. [Exeunt. 

Dolly. Here's a pretty mess ! What shall I do ? I 
can't run away ; I have no place to run to. I can't stay. 
What shall I do ? I know ; I'll hide till he's gone, and Mr. 
Tom may open the door himself. 

[Begins to clear the table. Curtain falls. 



Scene III. — Same as Scene II. [Tick.] 

The table cleared, and covered with books, etc. 

Enter Tom. 

Tom. I am sure of it ! What a spirited girl she must 
be, to assume this disguise to escape from tyranny I 
" [Knock at the door.] Come in ! 

Enter Dolly. [Hands Tom a note, and exit.] 
Tom, (opens it.) My tailor ! One hundred and five dol- 
lars ! How the fellow runs his bills up ! [Another knock.] 
Come in ! 

Enter Dolly. 
Dolly, (handing several notes. ) Misther Smith left this, 
sir, and Misther Jones this ; and this cum by the post, sir, 



112 DOMESTIC. 

and this one was slipped undher the door ; and this one was 
in the enthry. 

Tom. Bootmaker! Cigars! [Opens one after another.] 
Oyster-supper ! Hatmaker ! Bah ! let them go ! This is 
the first of the month, so they all pay their compliments. 
Dolly ! 

Dolly. Yis, sir ! 

Tom. Dolly, I think yon are a very nice girl. I 

Dolly, (going toward door.) If that's all, Misther 
Tom 

Tom. No, I — Dolly, come here ! [Beckons to her. 

Dolly, (advancing hesitatingly.) Yis, sir — I 

Tom. Dolly, come here. I want yon. 

[ Takes out his watch. 

Dolly. Well, here I am. 

Tom. Come a little nearer. I am afraid my watch has 
stopped. I cannot hear it. [Puts his watch to her ear, and 
his other arm round her waist.] Now listen ! can yon hear 
it tick ? 

Dolly. Yis, sir, it is going. 
Tom. Listen ! be sure ! 

[Takes her handkerchief from her apron pocket. 

Dolly. Yis, sir, I hear it. 

Tom. You can go, Dolly ! [Exit Dolly. 

[Looking a* handkerchief] Ah ! I knew it ! Here are the 
initials in the corner — G. B. I was sure I was right. 
What p> charming girl she is ! 

Enter Dolly, with another note. 

Dolly. Here's Misther Thomson's bill, sir. 
Tom. Dolly, I have a piece of advice for you. 
Dolly. Yis, sir. 



DOMESTIC. 113 

Tom. You see how these folks send their accounts in 
showers, merely because I owe them some dollars and 
cents. 

Dolly. Yis, sir. 

Tom. Well, follow the advice of a true friend. When 
you can't pay for a thing, do without it. Don't go upon 
tick ! 

Dolly. I won't, sir! [Curtain falls. 



Scene IV. — Same as Scenes II. and HI. [Domestic] 

Enter Dolly, with a duster. 

Dolly. I must go away. It is very evident that Mr. 
Clifford has discovered my disguise, and he may at any 
time betray me. No, no, he will not do that. He is gen- 
erous and manly, and I think he sympathizes with me. 
Where can I go ? An orphan, I have no home. If I return 
to my guardian, it will be the same story of persecution as 
before. I cannot stay here. Oh, dear, how unhappy I 
am ! [Sits down, crying. 

Enter Tom. 

Tom. Dolly ! Crying ! What is the matter ? 

Dolly, (rising.) Nothing, sir. 

Tom. You are in trouble. Weeping ! Let me console 
you. [Tries to take her hand. 

Dolly. Let me pass, sir. 

Tom. But, Dolly — Miss Eaymond ! 

Dolly. Ah ! 

Tom. Stay a moment, and hear me ! You are annoyed 
by your guardian, and have been forced to leave your 
liome. Do not refuse my sympathy— for — I love you. 

Dolly. Let me pass, sir. 
8 



114 DOMESTIC. 

Tom. Go, then ! I see, you cannot love me. You are 
wealthy, accomplished, courted ; while I am 

Dolly. My very true friend. You know my secret — for 
a short time respect it. I have written to my uncle, whom 
I expect here in a week from now. Till then, let me be 
Dolly — your most obedient servant. 

Tom. And then— then ? Ah, Dolly ! 

Dolly. Then I will be Miss Eaymond. 

Tom. No, no ! say then you will become Mrs. Clifford ! 

Dolly. I — I 

Tom. Dearest, will you not ? [Embraces her. 

Enter Mes. Cltetoed. 
Mks. Cllffokd. Tom ! 

Tom. Mother, you are just in time ! [Aside to Dolly.] 
May I ? 
Dolly. Yes, if you like. 

Tom. Allow me, mother, to introduce my future wife. 
Mks. Cllffobd. Your wife ! A common Irish domestic ? 

Dolly. No, madam ! Not a domestic, but a runaway 
heiress, Georgiana Eaymond ; who hopes, however, to be- 
come domesticated in your family — and that her friends 
here 

Tom. Will pardon her escapade, for the sake of the 
happiness she has conferred upon me. 

[Curtain falls. 

Position of characters at fall of curtain : 
Mbs. Cliftoud, Tom, Dolly. 



PURSE-PROUD. 



CHAEACTEES. 

Mks. Maeshall, a lady of fashion. 
Kate, her daughter, a haughty youny lady. 
Haeey, her son, in love with Annie Graham. 
Annie Geaham, a young seamstress. 
Mes. 0' Connelly, Annie Graham's landlady. 



PEOPEETIES. 

Basket of Sewing. Thimble. Purse, containing Money, and a 
Ring. Bundle of Sewing. Newspaper. Handkerchief, partly em? 
broidered. 



PURSE-PROUD. 



Scene I. [Pukse.] 

A small room, meanly furnished. A table, upon which stands a bas- 
ket, filled with sewing. 

Enter Haeey Maeshaud. 

Haeky. Yes. this must be the room ! Everything be- 
tokens it. Here is the sewing, by which the poor girl 
earns her daily bread. I wonder now what my lady mother 
and haughty sister Kate would say, if they knew that I 
stood in a garret, actually in love with the fair inmate. 
Poor girl ! her story interests me deeply ; yet it is no un- 
common one. An orphan, friendless and poor in this large 
city, where can she turn for comfort or symapthy, save to 
strangers ? She shall come to me. Yet I have never met 
her face to face ; she knows me not ; I am a man, too. 
Ah ! she would never consent to let me aid her. How then 
to manage it ? I have it ! I will leave my purse here ; 
when she returns she will find it, and the contents will re- 
lieve her present pressing w r ants. Every day she shall 
receive some anonymous token of my love, and when at 
length I have touched her heart, then will I step forward 
and declare my love. [Leaves his purse in the basket, wider 
the sewing.] I must steal an equivalent, that is certain ; 
for to climb all those stairs, and leave empty-handed, is a 



118 PURSE-PROUD. 

little too stupid. What shall I take ? Ah ! here is her 
thimble. Venus, what a tiny one. [Takes it.] A novel 
love token, but a dear one. Here's her name upon it — 
' 'Annie Graham." What could a lover require better? 
Well, I must tear myself away. [Exit. 

Enter Mes. 0' Connelly. 

Mes. O'Connelly, [seating herself.) Well, here I am ! 
It is enough to kill one to mount all these stairs, but my 
money '11 never walk down to me, that's certain, so I came 
up here to get it. Humph ! pretty doings, I must say ; 
my fine lady comes here to live, keeps other lodgers out of 
this beautiful room, and then tells me she can't pay her 
board. She pays it to-day, or out she goes ! 

Enter Annie, with her bonnet and shawl on, and a bundle in her 

hand. 

Humph ! Gadding again ! 'Pears to me you're out all 
the time. 

Annie, [mildly.) You know, Mrs. O'Connelly, work will 
not come to me. I have some sewing now, and a promise 
of more, but I have been three weary weeks seeking it, 

Mrs. O'Connelly. Well, I hope you've got my mone; 
at the same time ! 

Annie. Not yet. I am very sorry, indeed I am, that 
you have had to wait so long, but now I have procured 
work I will save every cent till I can pay you. 

Mrs. O'Connelly. That's all very pretty; but I'm a 
widder woman, and have no one to fight my battles, and I 
must either make my own way, or starve. You pay me to- 
day, or you go out to-morrow. 

Annie. Oh, do not drive me away ! You know I can- 
not find another boarding place without some money to 
pay in advance. I will pay you with the first* money I 



■ 



PURSE-PROUD. 119 

earn, and I will work night and day until this sewing is 

done. You know that since my mother died 

[Stops, overcome with emotion. 

Mrs. O 'Connelly. Bah ! I don't want no snivelling. I 
want my money, 
Annie. ' Indeed, indeed, I have not got it. 

Mrs. O'Connelly. Then I will try to find something 
else. [Goes to table and upsets work-basket; the purse falls 
out.] 

Annie. What is that ? 

Mbs. O'Connelly. "What is that ? Well, I never heard 
of such a bare-faced imposition as that in my life ! Stands 
up deliberately and tells me she has not a cent, and here is 
a purse full of money in her basket ! Oh, you're very sly, 
aint you ? But you don't catch this weazel asleep ! 

Annie. Indeed, I am so amazed I can scarcely speak. 
I know nothing of the purse ; it has been left here by mis- 
take. 

Mrs. O'Connelly, [sneeringly.) By some of your wealthy 
visitors, I suppose ! 

Annie, {with dignity.) Mrs. O'Connelly, give me the 
purse. There is some strange error here. I must find the 
owner, and return it. 

Mrs. O'Connelly. Oh, the owner aint very far away ! 
Some people carry a very smooth face over a black, deceit- 
ful heart. 

Annie. Insulting ! 

Mrs. O'Connelly. Hoity toity ! You needn't put on 
airs. I won't steal nothing. I'll just take out my fair pay 
for board, and then you can take it again. 

[Opens the purse. 

Annie. You must not take it. I tell you the purse is 
not mine. 



X20 PUBSE-PROUD. 






Mrs. O 'Connelly. Then I'll just keep the whole. 

Annie. No, I must find the owner. 

Mrs. O'Connelly, [taking out some money.) There, that 
is my just pay. [Shuts up the purse, and tosses it back on 
table.] There, take the purse ; but the next time you cheat 
me by saying you have no money, when you've a whole 
J purse full, you'll not get off so easy. [Exit. 

Annie. Oh, how can I bear the daily insults that are 
poured upon me ? Ever since my father died, I have 
known sorrow and poverty ; but it is only now, since mo- 
ther died, that I have had to bear insult. And yet, how 
can I blame her now ? How justifiable her suspicions 
seem ! Where could this purse have come from ? Oh, 
how shall I replace the money she has taken out ? I must 
hasten to finish the sewing, and restore that sum. [ Takes 
up the purse.] How could it have been left here ? No one 
comes to this room excepting Mrs. O 'Connelly and myself. 
It is not hers. [Opens the purse.] What's this ? A ring — 
a diamond ring, with initials upon it ! — "H. M." This is 
some clue to the owner. [Knock at the door.] Who can 
that be ? Come in ! 

Enter Mes. Marshall and Kate. 

Annie, [concealing the purse and ring.) Good morning ! 

Mrs. Marshall. We called to find a Miss Graham, a 
seamstress, who lives somewhere in this house. We have 
need of a seamstress for a short time, and she has been 
recommended to us. 

Annie. I am Miss Annie Graham, ladies. Will you be 
seated ? 

Kate. Oh no ; ma, don't wait here any longer than you 
can help ; we have several calls to make. Make the girl 
call upon us, and we can decide upon terms and all that 
sort of thing. 



PURSE-PROUD. 121 

Mrs. Marshall. Very well, dear. Miss Graham, will 
you call to-morrow morning at this address, [gives card,] 
and we will see what you can do ? 

Annie. I will call, madam. 

Kate. Can you embroider ? 

Annie Oh, yes ! I like it much better than plain 
sewing. 

Kate, {contemptuously.) Your taste is refined, really! 
Weil, call to-morrow morning. 

Mrs. Marshall. If you have any specimens of your em- 
broidery, bring them with you. Come Kate. Good morn- 
ino- t [Exeunt Mrs. Marshall and Kate. 

Annie. Good morning ! Another prospect of work. I 
am thankful. I can do this sewing for the store in the 
evenings. Oh, that purse ! I can think of no better way 
than to advertise it. I must pay the expense out of the 
contents. I will go instantly and attend to it, for I cannot 
feel comfortable while it is in my possession. 

[Exit. Curtain falls. 



Scene II. [Proud.] 

A room in Mrs. Marshall's house, handsomely furnished. Annie, 
seated at a table, sewing. 

Annie. Ah, me ! this steady sewing is killing me. I 
cannot sleep after a day of this labor ; my eyes burn, and 
my chest aches with the constant bending over such fine 
work. If I could please Mrs. Marshall or her daughter, it 
would lighten my labors ; but all that I do is condemned. 
I sometimes fancy they must examine the stitches with a 
magnifying glass, they seem to me to vary so little. Yes- 



U2 PURSE-PROUD. 

terday, a whole leaf was taken out, and worked over again, 
because the threads were more drawn on one side than the 
other. , Ah, if I conld only please them ! [Sews silently for 
a mmnent.] I wish I could find the owner of that purse. 
I have advertised several times, but no one appears to claim 
it. It is two weeks now since I found it, and the cost of so 
many advertisements is diminishing its contents. 

Enter Haeey Maeshall, reading a newspaper. 

Harry, (not perceiving Annie.) Another advertisement 
of that purse ! It must be taking all it contains to pay the 
cost of advertising. Now, why could she not use it like a 
sensible girl, and let the matter end there ? It must be the 
ring that troubles her. I quite forgot that I left it in the 
purse. 

Annie. There can be no mistake ! [Rising and coming 
forward.] Excuse me, Mr. Marshall ; I have fortunately 
overheard you. Let me return to you the property which 
by some mischance was lost in my room. [Offers the purse. 

Harry, (aside.) How unfortunate ! I entirely forgot 
that she worked in this room. [Aloud.'] Miss Graham, I 
regret that you should have found any owner to what was 
intended for your own use. I — I was commissioned by a 
friend to leave the purse in your room. It is yours ; I 
have no right to it. 

Annie, (with dignity.) You will return it to your friend, 
sir. I have no right, and no desire, to use money that I 
have not earned. 

Harry, (reluctantly taking tha purse.) At least accept the 
ring as a slight token of esteem. 

Annie, (reseating herself, and talcing up her sewing.) I 
must decline, sir, accepting any gift. 
Harry. Annie 



PURSE-PHOTIC. 123 

Annie. Sir ! 

Harry. I ask your pardon. Miss Graham, I know — I 
feel — [Aside.] What can I say ? [Aloud.] Miss Graham, 
I saw you, day after day, leaving your lodgings in search of 
work. I knew through your landlady that you were poor, 
friendless, and I dared to try to relieve your immediate 
necessities. You were too proud to accept my humble 
offering ! 

Annie. No ! I thank you for the generosity which 
prompted an aid, offered in so delicate a manner ; but it 
was impossible to avail myself of it. 

Harry, [bitterly.) You were too proud. 

Annie. I have but little cause for pride, Mr. Marshall ; 
yet, while I can earn my bread, I am too proud to live on 
charity. 

Harry, [aside.) How that air of dignity becomes her ! 
Ah, I must win her ! Is it too early to speak ? For two 
weeks I have met her daily, yet I have not advanced one 
step in my suit. I will speak. Mother and Kate are both 
out. It may be weeks before I have such another oppor- 
tunity. [Aloud.] Miss Annie, have you not seen that I 
feel for you an admiration 

Annie, [rising.) Mr. Marshall, you are taking an unfair 
advantage of my unprotected situation. 

Harry. Do not rise, Miss Annie. If any one leaves the 
room it must be myself ; yet, before I go, hear me. Not 
with the desire to pain you, or take an advantage of your 
loneliness, but with a deep, true love 

Annie. I cannot, sir, permit you 

Harry. Nay, hear me out. It is no new passion. I 
have loved you for three months ! 

Annie, [smiling.) What an age ! 



124 PURSE-PROUD. 

Harry. You smile. You will let me hope ? You — Oh, 
Miss Graham, make me the happiest of men — promise to 
be my wife ! 

Annie, {gently.) Now you are advancing too fast. Your 
mother and sister 

Hakby. I do not choose my wife for them, but to make 
the happiness of my own life. 

Annie. Selfishness ! 

Hakry. Ah, you are smiling again ! Annie, dearest 
Annie ! [Attempts to embrace her. 

Annie. Not so fast. Your mother and sister will never 
consent to receive a poor seamstress into the family. I 
have been obliged many times to listen to their conversa- 
tion upon this subject. [Proudly.} I will not intrude 
into a family in which I have cause to think myself unwel- 
come. 

Harry. Proud girl. [Aside. ] How well it suits her ! 
"What a noble air she has ! Any man might be proud to 
call that sweet girl his wife. [Aloud. ] "We will make them 
glad to receive you, dearest. Your noble conduct, and 
gentle manners, must gain their love. Time will do much. 
Until I can overcome your scruples, you will at least let me 
ease you of some of your burden ? You will give up this ? 
[Attempting to take her sewing away. 

Annie. No ; I can never consent to be a dependent upon 
the bounty of any one. [Softly.'] Even you must not take 
away my independence. 

Harry. At least, assure me that I am not indifferent to 
you. 

Annie, {bending down over the work. ) I — I 



Harry. I will teach you to say it. [Taking her hands. _ 
Now look into my eyes — so — shy one, do not look away 
again. Now say— Harry, I love you. 



PUBSE-PEOUD. 125 

Annie, [releasing her hands.) I hear some one coming. 
Harry. Is that what I told you to say ? There is some 
one coming. [Takes up his paper, and seats himself. 

Enter Kate, in a walking dress. 
Kate. Proud as Lucifer ! I'll humble him ! 

Harry. Why, Kate, what is the matter ? You appear 
excited ! 

Kate. I am annoyed. You know the poet, Grantly 
Hastings ? 

Harry. Your devoted admirer ? 

Kate. My fiddlesticks ! He was in great want of mon- 
ey, and I sent him a check, expecting, of course, a sonnet 
to my eyebrows, or an ode to my eyes, and his everlasting 
gratitude. He has returned the money ! 

Harry. What possessed you to send it ? 

Kate. To have the eclat of having aided the great gen- 
ius ; for his name will shine yet ; then, in the reflection of 
his splendor, I hoped for a place as the first patroness of 
the great poet. But the proud fellow refuses to be pat- 
ronized ! 

Harry, ( glancing toward Annie.) He is right. I admire 
his independence. 

Kate. Pshaw ! I have no patience with proud poverty ; 
the very conjunction is a mockery. Annie, is that hand- 
kerchief done ? 

Annie. Not quite finished ; there is a great deal of this 
fine work upon it. 

Kate. Humph ! I declare, you sewing-girls are terri- 
bly slow. You really do not earn your salt ! 

Annie, [half rising. ) Miss Marshall ! 



126 PURSE-PROUD, 

Kate. Oh, you need not put on airs with me. 

Harry. Kate, mother is calling you. 
• Kate. Hurry with that handkerchief. [Exit. 

Harry. Annie, dear Annie, why will you submit to 
this ? [Goes to her and leans over her chair.'] You are 
weeping ; do not deny it. Oh, Annie, give me the right to 
defend you from such insult ! 

[Curtain falls. 






Scene III. — Same as Scene II. [Purse-Proud.] 

Enter Mes. Marshall and Kate. 

Kate. It is abominable ! The mean, hypocritical, 
smooth-faced 

Mrs. Marshall. I could fairly cry with vexation ; to 
think that Harry — so popular as he is, might have married 
into our first families — should throw himself away upon a 
seamstress ! 

Kate. And so poor ! 

Mrs. Marshall. Yes, her birth is good enough. Her 
father was one of our leading merchants, though he died 
insolvent ; but the girl is not worth one cent. Oh, it is 
too bad ! 

- Kate. Every body is talking of it. Mrs. Smith stopped 
me in the street to-day, to inquire for my new sister. Oh, 
I am so vexed I could scream ! 

Enter Haeey and Annie. 
Kate, [drawing herself up.) That girl here ! I shall 
leave the room. 

Harry. Stay, Kate ! My wife will not remain here long 
enough to drive any one away. I have come to make a 






PURSE-PEOUD. 127 

final appeal to your sense of justice. My wife, as you 
know, has every claim to your kindest love, and her gentle 
heart is ready to forgive all injuries, to be at peace with 
her husband's family. 

Mrs. Marshall. Injuries? A nobody forgive us! 1 
like that ! 

Harry. A nobody ? Nay, mother, what can we claim 
.more than she, save mere money ? My father was a cob- 
bler ! I have heard you say so. 

Mrs. Marshall. Go on ! Insult your own mother in 
the presence of your low wife ! 

Annie. Harry, take me away. 

Harry. I will. Mother, I make one more appeal. This 
anger is mere purse-proud importance. If you drive me 
away now, I shall not return. 

Annie. Mrs. Marshall, do not let me be the means of 
separating you from your only son. Your own child will 
not be more dutiful to you than I will be. I have no mo- 
ther of my own, let me call you mother. 

Mrs. Marshall. Thank you. I have no desire to claim 
any such title. 

Annie. Kate, you will listen to me. Sister 



Kate. Sister, indeed ! Excuse me, madam, we are not, 
I believe, related. 

Harry. Annie, you shall humble yourself no further. 
V'ilother, I will go. You have chosen for yourself. You 
might have gained a daughter ; you have lost a son. 

Mrs. Marshall. "We shall always be harjpy to see you, 
Harry. 

Harry. I shall pay no visits alone. 
Mrs. Marshall. As you please. 
Harry. Good morning ! 

[Exeunt Harry and Annie. 



128 



PURSE-PROUD. 



Kate. Upon my word, that girl carried her nose in the 
air as if she owned the house. What an air she had as she 
swept out of the room ! Well, they are gone ! Have the 
room aired, mamma, for I think the disgusting creature 
had been eating onions I 

[Curtain falls. 



BRIDEGROOM. 






CHAEACTEES. 

Mb. Loeikg, a merchant, 

Hoeace Gay, his clerk. 

Me. Skinflint, an old man, wealthy, betrothed to Harriet 

Me. Piousgood, a clergyman. 

Haeeiet, Mr. Loring's daughter, a romantic young lady. 

Fannie, Harriet's maid. 

Guests at the wedding. 



PEOPEETIES. 



Br esses. A Table, Looking-glass, and Toilet Arrangements, 
Jewel-box. Small Package, neatly tied up. 



BRIDEGROOM. 



Scene I. [Bride.] 

boudoir. Dresses thrown carelessly about the room. An open 
jewel-box, and looking-glass upon a table. Harriet, in full bridal 
costume, seated before table, with her face buried in her handker- 
chief Fannie, arranging Harriets veil. 

Fannie. Come, Miss Harriet, cheer up ! You are as sad 
to-day as if it were a funeral instead of your own wedding 
you were dressing for ! 

Harriet. Oh, Fannie, I wish it were. 

Fannie. What ! a funeral ? 

Harriet. Anything but my own wedding. Oh, Fannie, 
how can T marry that gouty old Skinflint ? and yet, my 
father insists upon it. [Rising and coming forward.] Oh, 
Horace ! Where are you on this sad day ? 

Fannie. I hear your father coming, miss. 

Harriet. Well, leave me, Fannie. [Exit Fannie.] He 
is coming to hasten the preparations for this hateful wed- 
ding. Oh, I could tear this finery into rags ! Horace prom- 
ised to see me to-day, and I foolishly hoped he had some 
plan for my happiness ; but now I despair. In two hours 
more, if he comes, he will find me Mrs. Skinflint. Faugh ! 
What a name ! 






182 BRIDEGROOM. 

Enter Mr. Loeing. 

Mr. Loeing. Well, Hattie, my love, have you recovered 
from the fit of sulks I left you in this morning ? 

Haeeiet, [aside.) Cruel! He calls the agonizing tor- 
tures of a broken heart the sulks ! 

Me. Loeing. Now, my dear, I see you are all dressed, 
and I hope you will conduct yourself properly. By-the- 
way, that young puppy, Gay, called here just now. I told 
John not to admit him. 

Haeeiet, [aside.) All hope is flown ! 

Me. Loeing. See here, my dear ! [Taking a package 
from Ms pocket'] See what a princely present Mr. Skin- 
flint sends his bride ! A complete parure of diamonds. 
There, open it at your leisure. You look just as your poor 
mother did, the day we were married. 

Haeeiet. Was — was Mr. Gay invited to the wedding, 
father ? 

Me. Loeing. What have you to do with Mr. Gay ? 
No, miss ; Mr. Gay was forbidden the house. I have taken 
care that he shall not enter. The puppy actually insisted 
upon seeing you. 

Haeeiet, [aside.) Poor Horace ! 

Me. Loeing. Of course, you have got over that foolish 
fancy you had. Upon my word, now-a-days children actu- 
ally presume to dictate to their parents ! You are to 
marry Mr. Skinflint in about two hours. What business 
have you to want Mr. Gay to be at the wedding ? 

Haeeiet. I did not say I wanted him. 

Me. Loeing. Well, well., don't mention him again. 
There, don't cry ; I am sorry I was so cross. Kiss your 
old father, and be a dear, dutiful child. You won't. Well, 
I hope you'll be in a better humor when I come up stairs 
again. [Exit. 



■ 



BEIDEGROOM. 133 

Haebiet. What shall I do ? Horace told me to affect to 
be willing to marry old Skinflint, to blind my father, and 
he would surely release me. The time draws very near. 
Horace, Horace ! where are you ? He comes not, answers 
not ! Wretched Harriet, your doom is sealed ! 



Enter Fannie. 



Fannie. Oh, Miss Harriet, the cakes has come — all iced 
and everything ! and the young ladies is come that's to be 
bridesmaids, and they're asking for the bride. 

Harriet. Lock the door, Fannie. Quick ! [Fannie 
locks door.] I must be alone. Fannie, do you love me ? 

Fannie. Land, yes, miss ! 

Harriet. Fannie, you must save me ! The time is 
short. Listen ! Old Skinflint is rich, very rich. See the 
presents he has sent me. Don't you wish you were in my 
place, Fannie ? 

Fannie. Yes, indeed, miss ! 

Harriet. He is old, and ugly, and gouty, Fannie. 

Fannie. Lor, miss, that's nothing. He won't live long, 
and you'll be a rich widow, miss. 

Harriet. A bride calculating when she'll be f* widow ! 
Fannie, you shall marry Mr. Skinflint ! 

Fannie. Gracious, you must be crazy, miss ! 

Harriet. No, I am not crazy. You shall put on this 
dress. We are nearly of a size, and you shall take my 
place, I yours. Keep your veil down till you come up 
stairs to dress for your journey, and then put on a thick 
green one. If you manage rightly, you can make the old 
fool believe you love him, and make him only too glad to 
exchange an unwilling bride for a willing one. If you 
dcn't want to be his wife, laugh in his face at the first stop- 



134 BBIDEGKOOM. 

ping-place, tell him the truth, and come home. By that 
time I will be ready to have you come. 

Fannie. I'll keep him, miss. My stars, what a piece of 
good luck ! But what will you do ? 

Haeeiet. Fannie, I love another. In your dress I will 
elope with him. 

Fannie. Mr. Horace, miss ? 

Haeeiet. Yes, Fannie. Come, we must exchange 
dresses quickly. Here, take off this veil ! 

[Fannie takes off the veil. Curtain falls. 



Scene II.— Same as Scene I. [Geoom.] 

Enter Horace Gay, dressed as a groom, by the window. 
Hoeace. Here I am at last ! There is only an hour and 
a half left, and in that time I must get Harriet away from 
this house. There is a carriage waiting, but I cannot find 
Hattie. Suppose any one else finds me in her boudoir ? I 
hear footsteps ! [Stands back 

Enter Harriet, in a plain chintz dress, and little cap. 

Hoeace. Fannie ! 

Haeeiet, [turning quickly.) Who are you ? A groom 
in my room ! 

Hoeace. Harriet, in this dress . 

Haeeiet Horace, in such a costume ! 

Hoeace. I must speak quickly. Your father, dearest, 
met me this morning as I was coming in to tell you my 
scheme for our elopement. He literally drove me from the 
house, and forbade the servants to readmit me, so I pro- 
cured this disguise to evade them. 

Haeeiet. "We are well matched. A lady's maid and a 
groom ! It is very romantic. Know, my dear Horace, 



BRIDEGEOOM. 135 

that my maid Fannie is fairly crazy on the subject of mon- 
ey, and has consented to take my place as old Skinfli 
bride, while I meant to hasten to find you. 

Hokace. Stay, a plan occurs to me. Where is Fannie ? 

Harriet. In the next room. 

Horace. We will go to her. I have a plan to propose 
to her. Harriet, you are perfectly bewitching in this sim- 
ple dress. [Kisses her. 

Harriet. Fie ! fie ! I don't allow my maid to be kissed 
by a groom. Come, Fannie is in here. [Exeunt. 

Enter Mr. Loring. 

Mr. Loring. Well, Mr. Skinflint is here, and all the 
company are assembled. Ah, think of being father-in-law 
to about two millions of dollars ! Hattie don't seem to be 
in any hurry. Hattie ! [Calling. 

Harriet, {behind the scenes.) Coming, dear father. 

Mr. Loring. Hurry, they are all waiting for you. 

Enter Fannie, in bridal dress, with her veil closely drawn about her 

face. 

Mr. Loring. Are you ready ? 

Fannie. One moment, father. Fannie, my maid, who 
travels with me, is, it seems, engaged to Mr. Skinflint's 
groom. They wish to be married before we start, and as 
r the clergyman is here, I have given the poor things per- 
mission to come in as soon as I am Mrs. Skinflint, and 
be married too. 

Mr. Loring. Oh, very well. 

Fannie. Where is Mr. Skinflint ? 

Mr. Loring. Waiting for you in the library. 

Fannie. Is he alone ? 

Mr. Loring. Yes. 



136 BRIDEGROOM. 






Fannie. "Will you send him here ? I have a request to 
make of him. 

Mb. Lobjng. Oh, certainly, if you desire it. 

Fannie. Father, will you also ask Mr. Piousgood to 
come here for a few moments ? There is a little arrange- 
ment I wish to make before we meet the guests. 

Me. Losing. I never saw a girl so full of whims I 
Well, I will send them both to you. [Exit. 

Fannie. Come forth, my prisoners. Miss Harriet, are 
you dressed ? 

Enter Harriet, with a bonnet and veil, lowered, leaning on Hobace's 

arm. 

Harriet. Yes, I am ready. Oh, how I tremble ! 

Fannee. Lor, miss, there aint no use a-trembling. I 
dare say Mr. Horace will be a very cleverish husband. 
What a blessing it is that Mr. Skinflint is deaf. 

Habkiet. After all, what an idea ! I am going to mar- 
ry a groom ! 

Hobace. They are coming, dearest. Lean upon me, 

my angel. 

[Curtain falls. 



Scene III. [Bbidegeoom.] 

A parlor. At one end of the room, Mr. Piousgool, with an open 
book. Guests seated and standing in groups. 

Miter Mb. Losing. After him Me. Skinflint, with Fannie on his 
arm, and Hoeace, with Haeeiet on his arm. 

[They advance to Mr. Piousgood, who looks at his book and 
beckons Mr. Skinflint and Fannie to advance. As they do so, 
Mr. Loring suddenly looks at Harriet, who falls back as if 
fainting. Horace raises her veil'] 



BRIDEGROOM. 137 

Mr. Loring. Stop, stop ! I forbid the bans! 

[Quests < 

Mr. Skinflint. Are you ill, my friend ? You rai 

Mr. Loring, {dragging Harriet for ward.) No, I do not 

rave. Here ! [Tears off her bonnet and veil.] Thi.s is my 
daughter ! 

Mr. Skinflint. Your daughter ? 

Mr. Loring. Yes, your wife ! 

Harriet. You are mistaken, papa. Not Mr. Skinflint's 
bride. I was married half an hour since to another bride- 
groom. 

Mr. Loring. Another ? Whom ? 

Horace. I have the happiness to claim that honor, sir. 

Mr. Loring. You ? Mr. Skinflint's groom ? 

Mr. Skinflint. My groom ? I have no groom, except- 
ing Tom. That aint Tom. 

Horace. No, sir. I am no groom, but a gentleman. 
Surely, you recognize me now ! 

Mr. Loring. Horace Gay ! You scoundrel ! My daugh- 
ter's husband ! Get out of my house, both of you ! 

Mr. Skinflint. No, no ! Forgive them, Mr. Loring. 
I see now why the young lady insisted upon having her 
maid and groom married in the boudoir, before we oame 
here, and — by-the-way — I was married too ! 

Fannie, [coming forward.) Yes, sir, you are my bride- 
groom. [Throws 

Mr. Skinflint. Fannie ! 

Fannie, {going to him coaxing! t/.) Yes, your Fannie ; 
who resorted to a stratagem to iind a kind husband I 
give me! [Kneels.] If you will not, I will leave you, 1 
don't want to force myself on even the man I Love : but 1 
will make you a very loving wife if you will have ma 

[ \\\ 



138 



BRIDEGROOM. 






Me. Skinflint, [aside. ) How pretty she looks ! I meant 
to be married to-day. Harriet won't have me. Fannie 
will. [Aloud.] Fannie, my dear, take my arm. 

[They walk aside. 

Harriet. Dear father, will you not forgive us ? 

[Kneels with Horace. 

Mr. Skinflint. Do, Mr. Loring. Horace is really a 
fine fellow. I'll set him up in business, if it is only for 
Harriet's sake. 

Mr. Loring. Well, well; rise, children! [To guests.] 
My friends, you were invited to a wedding. There has 
been some little fuss about a bridegroom, but Gentle- 
men, find your partners, we will have the dance at all 
events. [Music. Curtain falls. 






MISTAKE. 



CHARACTERS. 

Peter Popkins, an old Bachelor, in search of a Wife, 
Dr. Arthur Benteey, a young Physician. 
Miss Septima Simpkins, an old Maid. 
Dora Curtis, her Niece. 



PROPERTIES. 



Chairs, Sofa, Table. Pen, Ink, and Paper. An Envelope. 
Newspaper. Locket. Books, Papers, and Bottles. Bell. Notts, 
Demijohn and two Tumblers. Looking-glass, 



MISTAKE. 



Scene I. [Miss.] 

A parlor, handsomely furnished. Pen, ink, and paper, on a table. 

Enter Dora and Arthur. 

Dora, (holding an open newspaper in her hand.) Here it 
is, Arthur. [Reads.] ' ' A gentleman, middle aged, of pre- 
possessing appearance, handsome income, and cultivated 
mind, desires to form the acquaintance of a lady of beauty 
and talent, with a view to matrimony." 

Arthur. And is this the advertisement you propose to 
answer ? 

Dora. Not in my own person, Arthur, but in order to 
find a husband for aunt Septima. 

Arthur. A husband for your aunt ? 

Dora. Don't you understand ? Then I must explain. 
When my parents died, I, then a more babe, was placed in 
the care of my aunt Septima, and all my property pas 
into her control, until I am twenty-live ; my father's will 
stating that the time for me to be considered of age. 

Arthur. I knew all this before. 



142 MISTAKE. 

Doha. Patience ! All went very well until I — I fell — in 
— love. 
Arthur. With me ? [ Takes her hand. 

Dora. Yes, sir, with you. You asked my aunt's con- 
sent to the marriage. 

Arthur. And she told me she considered you too 
young yet. 

Dora. This is not the true reason. She is jealous. 

Arthur. Jealous ! Jealous, did you say ? 

Dora. Don't be alarmed ; she has not fallen in love 
with you. She is only jealous of me, for being likely to 
be married before she is. She has informed me that I 
shall not have her consent to our marriage until she is mar- 
ried herself. 

Arthur. You are likely to die an old maid, at this rate. 

Dora. Oh, I am free at twenty-five. 

Arthur. Seven long years ! 

Dora. Can you not wait so long, for me ? 

Arthur. Do not doubt my constancy. Yet it is a long 
time. 

Dora. Yes ; so I propose to shorten it. 

Arthur. But how ? 

Dora. By marrying my aunt. 

Arthur. Marrying your aunt ? 

Dora. Yes ; and as no one seems likely to propose to 
her, I intend to answer this advertisement, and bring two 
disconsolate victims of celibacy together. 

Arthur. Capital ! We can have some fun out of it, too. 

Dora. Indeed we can. [She sits down at table and 



MISTAKE. 11.; 

writes.] I will answer it, and appoint a place for him to 
meet you. 

Arthur. Meet me? 

Dora. Yes ; you must tell him my aunt's charms, and 
bring him here. Meanwhile I will prepare her for the 
interview. Where will you meet him ? 

Arthur. At my office ; this afternoon, at four o'clock. 
Oh, Dora, I have thought of a way to have some fun ! 

[Whispers to hei\ 

Dora, [clapping her hands.) Splendid ! Now, then ; 
here is the note. The important note that is to pre- 
sent my remaining Miss Curtis for seven years longer. 

[Gives him the note she has been writing. Both come for- 
ward.] 

Arthur. I was terribly disappointed last evening, Dora, 
when I called for you, and found you out. 

Dora. Yes, indeed ! I was sorry to miss you, but my 
aunt went to a Woman's Eights Convention, and I had to 
go with her. 

Arthur. I hope they are not trying to make a strong- 
minded woman out of my darling Dora. [Embraces her. 

Enter Miss Septtma Simpkins. 

Miss Simpkins. Hey, day ! What's all this ? Aint you 
ashamed, miss, to let that man put his arm round your 
waist ? 

Dora. Why, aunt, there's no harm in embracing one's 
future husband. Is there, Arthur ? 

Arthur. I think not, love. [Kisses her. 

Miss Simpkins. For shame ! Oh, I am shocked ! 
herself.] Keally shocked ! Young girls have no mod' 
now-a-days. Come away, miss, from thai man. 



144 MISTAKE. 

Doea, {coming close to Miss S.) My dear aunt, surely 
you allowed some of your numerous admirers that privi- 
lege ? 

Akthub. You had not the heart to drive them all to 
despair ? 

Dora. You were not so cruel as you would have us 
believe. 

Arthur. It is such a mystery to me, that you could 
have refused all the offers that must have been laid at your 
feet. 

Dora. You must have been very firm, still to be Miss 
Simpkins. 

Miss Simpkins, [who has been gradually coming from 
frowns to smiles, through this storm of flattery.) Well, it aint 
for me to say how many offers I have refused, nor how 
much beset I am now. 

Dora. It is too bad they will not leave you alone in 
your old age. 

Miss Simpkins, [turning to Dora, sharply.) What ! 
What do you mean, miss ? I — Oh, I can hardly speak ! 
How dare you call me old ? Me ! 

Dora. I beg pardon, aunt ; but you know at eighteen 
even middle age appears old. 

Miss Simpkins. Middle age ! What do you mean by 
middle age ? I am just twenty-eight. 

Arthur. So old as that ? I can hardly credit it. We 
do not miss the first bloom of youth from off your cheek. 
[J.sufe.] She's fifty, I am sure. 

Dora, [aside.) If he would look on her toilet table, he'd 
miss the bloom from her rouge-box. 

Miss Simpkins. Doctor Bentley, you are a gentle- 



MISTAKE. 115 

man ! Dora Curtis, I found something of yours on - 
stairs. 

Doea. Something of mine, aunt ? I did not i 
thing. 

Miss Simpkins. I dare say, but there it is ! 

[Gives her a lo 

Doea. Arthur's miniature ! [Draws out a guard- 
from her bosom, with nothing suspended from it.] I ha 
dropped it from here. 

Aethue, (reproachfully.) And you did not miss it ? 

Doea. Pardon me, love ! I must have dropped it as I 
came down to welcome you this morning. Having the 
original so near me, I could not miss the counterfeit, how- 
ever much I value it. 

Aethue. An excuse so charmingly urged, must be 
accepted. [Embraces her. 

Miss Simpkins. Positively, this is too much for my 
nerves ! You are too sickening. If you must appear so 
desperately in love, pray go where I cannot see it. 

Doea. Come, Arthur. I have a new flower to show 
you. [Aside to him.] And you must mail the note. 

[Mi 

Miss Simpkins. Silly chit ! It positively enrages mo 
. to think that she, with her doll-baby face, is already (Mi- 
gaged, while my solid attractions have gone, unsought, 
forty — for a long time. I will accept the first offer I receive , 
if only to drop the Miss before she does. 

[Curtain t 



10 



146 MISTAKE. 



Scene H. [Take.] 

A doctor's office. Books, papers, and bottles, scattered on a table. 
A galvanic battery, or some other instruments, on another tabk, 
have a good effect, though they are not essential to the scene. Ar~ 
thur seated at a table, writing. 

Akthue. There, my letter is finished ! Business over 
for to-day ; now for some fun. [Clock strikes four.] It is 
time my advertising friend was here. [Bell rings outside.] 
Ah, there he is ! 

Enter Mb. Popkins. 

Mr. Popkins. Is this Dr. Bentley's office ? 

Arthur. Yes, sir ; and I am Dr. Bentley, at your ser- 
vice. Will you take a chair ? 

Mr. Popexns, (sitting down.) Thank you. I called, in 
answer to a note I received this morning. 

[Taking a note from his pocket. 

Arthur. Ah, yes! You are the gentleman who adver- 
tised in the Ledger for a wife ? 

Mr. Popkins. Yes, sir. I am tired of a single life, and 
I am so occupied with my business that I have no time to 
go courting, so I advertised. 

Arthur. A very business-like way of attending to the 
matter, truly ! 

Mr. Popkins. Well, sir, what have you to say to me ? 
I expected to meet a lady here. 

Arthur. A lady ! Oh, no ! I am a relative, or about 
to become so, of the lady who answered your advertise- 
ment. 

Mr. Popkins. Well, sir, where is she ? 



MISTAKE. 117 

Arthur. At her own house, sir. We will call upon her 
this evening. I will describe her to you. 

Mr. Popktns. Oh, no ; never mind. The main ques- 
tion is, will she have me ? 

Arthur. Why, my dear sir, you must see each other 
first. Perhaps you will not like her. 

Mr. Popktns. I am not in the habit of breaking my 
engagements, young sir. 

Arthur, {eagerly. ) Then, will you take any one I offer ? 

Mr. Popktns. Any lady I 

Arthur. I assure you, upon my honor as a gen- 
tleman, that the person I will introduce to you this 
evening is a lady by birth and education ; has a hand- 
some income, [aside] charming niece, [aloud] and but one 
fault. 

Mr. Popktns. Fault ! What fault ? 

Arthur. I should have said, misfortune. She is, un- 
fortunately, very deaf. If you court her you must have 
good lungs. 

Mr. Popktns. Never fear, I will make her hear. 

Arthur. I have a request to make. 

Mr. Popktns. What is it ? 

Arthur. Do not refer to the advertisement. She is a 
lady of most refined tastes, and it might shock her. Speak 
as if you met by accidental introduction. 

Mr. Popktns. Oh ! very well. 

Arthur. Now, sir, meet me here at seven o'clock, and I 
will take you to my friend's house. 

Mr. Popktns. You are a trump ! I say, come with me, 
and we will take a drink. 



148 MISTAKE. 

Arthur. No need to leave the room. What will you 

take? 

Me. Popkins. Mountain dew, my favorite of bever- 
ages. 

Arthur, {taking a demijohn from corner, and two tum- 
blers. ) Here's to the health of the future Mrs. 

Me. Popkins. Popkins, sir ! Popkins will be her name, 
if she will take mine. 

Arthur. She'll take it, never fear. Here's success to 
your wooing ! 

Mr. Popkins. Mrs. Popkins, I salute you ! 

\Tliey both drink. Curtain falls. 



Scene HI. — Same as Scene I. [Mistake.] 

Miss Simpkins and Bora seated at a table. Upon the table is a 
looking-glass. 

Dora. Yes, my dear aunt, I assure you he is desperately 
enamored. He saw you but to love you, and having seen 
Arthur entering the house, called upon him to beg for an 
introduction. Arthur wrote to me that he will bring Mr. 
Popkins here this evening. 

Miss Simpkins, [jumping up, and looking in glass. ) This 
evening ! Oh, how Hurried I feel ! My heart palpitates ; 
my frame trembles ! Support me, Dora ! [Dora puts her 
arm round her.] There, don't tumble my hair ! How do 
Hook? 

[Arranges her hair. 



MISTAKE. 14Q 

Dora. Charming, dear aunt. 

Miss Simpkins. Hadn't I better put on my white mus- 
lin, with blue ribbons ? 

Dora. Your appearance cannot be improved, I assure 
you, but 

Miss Simpkins. I wonder what he looks like ? 

Dora. Arthur wrote me no description ; he merely 
asked me to tell you one fault. 

Miss Simpkins. What is his fault ? 

Dora. His hearing is very imperfect. In fact, he is 
quite deaf. 

Miss Simpkins. Deaf ? 

Dora. Yes ; you must speak very loud, or he will not 
hear you. 

Miss Simpkins, {still arranging her dress.) Dear, dear ! 
Poor man ! I pity him, sincerely ! [Bell rings outside. 

Dora. There they are. 

Miss Simpkins. Oh, how my heart palpitates ! I feel 
very faint. [Sinks languishingly upon a sofa. 

Enter Me. Popkins and Aethub. 
Dora, [meeting them.) Good evening, gentlemen. 

Mr. Popktns, {aside.) What a lovely girl ! What a 
pity she's deaf ! 

Miss Simpkins. Upon my word, if that forward thing 
aint talking to the gentleman. 

[Rises, and goes toward them. 

Arthur. Allow me to introduce [meeting Miss S., and 
offering his arm,] Mr. Popkins— Miss Simpkins. 

[In a very loud voice. 



152 MISTAKE. 

Mb. Popkins. They are not here. Well, there has 
been one error, let us not have another. I want a wife ; 
will you marry me ? 

Enter Arthur and Dora. 
Miss Simpkins. I will. 

Arthur. And no mistake. 

[Curtain falls. 



MANAGE 



,- 



CHARACTERS. 



Mb. Marston. 

' I his Daughters. 

Fannie, J 

Malcolm Hoyle, Mr. Marston 9 s Nephew. 
Leonard Harding, Fannie 's husband. 



PROPERTIES. 



Sewing. Very large Volume. Table with Books upon it. Watch 4 
Handkerchief. 






MANAGE. 









Scene I. [Man.] 

A parlor in Mr. Marstons house. 

Curtain rises. Fannie ai*d Kate discovered, Fannie sewing, Kate 

reading. 

Fannie. Kate ! 

Kate. I am here ! 

Fannie. So I perceive. Put away your book, sister, 
and come sit beside me. I want to tell you a secret, which 
has weighed so long upon my mind, that my heart aches 
with the burden. 

Kate, [throwing aside her booh.) Why, Fannie, what ails 
you ? You are pale, your voice trembles, and [taking Fan- 
nie' s hand] how cold your hand is ! Are you ill ? 

Fannie. No, dear, but I am unhappy. 

Kate. You ! Our father's darling ; the belle of our 
society ; rich, accomplished, beautiful ! You unhappy ? 
Come, sister, you must be ill to fancy such a thing. 

Fannie. It is not fancy, Kate. But I will not indulge 
in mysteries ; I will tell you all in one word : then, dear 
Kate, I am married. 

Kate. What ! You ! Fannie ! Who is the victim ? 



156 MANAGE. 

Fannie. That remains to be seen ! My husband is a 
man who 

Kate. Stop ! I can't comprehend it all at once ! My 
sister married, and married to a man ! 

Fannie. You did not suppose it was a woman, did you ? 

Kate. No, but — oh, dear ! What will pa say when he 
hears Fannie has married a man ? 

Fannie. But he must not hear it. At least not until 
next week, when I am twenty-one, and may take possession 
of the property dear mother left me. Now, Kate, listen. 
Father told me this morning, that he expected our cousin, 
Malcolm Hoyle, to visit us, to choose the wife his father 
ordered him to select, one of us. Father thinks you are 
too young, and has desired me to receive his attentions. 
As I am already married this is impossible ; but as my 
husband is the son of father's bitter enemy, Mr. Har- 
ding ~ 

Kate. Fan ! you haven't married Leonard Harding ! 
Won't there be a breeze when you tell pa ? 

Fannie, [sadly.) I fear so ! But, Kate, what I want you 
to do, is to make our student cousin fall in love with your 
charming self. You remember him ? 

Kate. Slightly. A handsome young man, who always 
closed the study door at the sound of our voices, and 
looked like a large encyclopedia bound in an old dressing- 
gown. 

Fannie. Eight. He has declared his intention of re- 
maining a bachelor, but comes here in deference to his 
father's command, in hopes we will refuse his offers, 
meaning to make himself most disagreeable. Yet father 
declares we must encourage even the slightest attentions. 

Kate. Pleasant, truly ! Make love to a beau ! 

Me. Mabston, [behind the scenes.) Fannie! Fannie! 



MANAGE. 157 

Enter Mr. Mahston. 

Me. Maeston. Oh! here you are! Now, my dear 
child, look your prettiest. You must conquer our modern 
Timon, and secure one of the wealthiest husbands in the 
country, Why, what a face to meet a lover ! Are you ill, 
my child ? 

Fannie, {forcing a smile.) No, dear father, quite well. 

Me. Maeston. Then cheer up ! Come, you have looked 
sad ever since I told you of my nephew's expected visit. 
You surely do not dislike him. 

Kate, {beginning to sob violently.) Oh ! oh ! oh ! 

Mb. Makston. Why, Kate, what is the matter ? 

Kate, [still sobbing.) You don't love me ! You d-do-n't 
ca-a-re for me ! 

Me. Makston. Not love you ! Not care for you ! Why, 
what new freak is this ? 

Kate. Why don't you pick out a husband for me ? 

Me. Maeston. You ! Why you are barely eighteen ! 
Nonsense, child, nonsense ! Go to your room while I have 
a little serious conversation with your sister. When you 
are old enough to be married, I'll attend to it ! 

Kate, [going.) Thank you [aside) for nothing. [Exit, 

Me. Maeston. Fannie, I want to tell you something 
Tthat grieves me. I was informed, to-day, that you were 
seen walking with the son of my worst enemy, Leonard 
Harding. Is this true ? 

Fannie, {agitated.) Not to-day ! I have not seen him 
to-day ! 

Me. Maeston. Leonard Harding walking with my child ! 
The very thought annoys me. 

Fannie. As a neighbor, dear father, I 



158 MANAGE. 

Mr. Marston. Neighbor or not, I hate him. Do not 
let this happen again. Hark ! I hear a strange voice ! It 
may be your cousin. I must see ! [Exit. 

Fannie. Now all depends upon Kate ! If Malcolm 
fancies Kate, father may forgive me, in the pleasure of 
securing the fortune for one of his children ; if not, I am 
free next week, and must assert my independence. 

Enter Kate. 

Kate, (laughing. ) Oh, such a man ! Such a man ! 
Fannie. Our cousin ? 

Kate. Yes, he has come ! Stiff as a ramrod. Bows as 
if he had no joint in the back of his neck. [Bowing stiffly.] 
Good day, uncle Marston. Hark ! he's coming. 

[Enter Mb. Marston and Malcolm. The latter wears a travel- 
ing-dress, shabby, an old hat, has his hair in disorder, and carries a 
huge volume under his arm. ] 

Mr. Marston. These are my girls, Malcolm ! Fannie, 
Kate, your cousin Malcolm. 

Malcolm, (bowing stiffly.) Your servant, ladies. 
Kate, (courtesying very deeply.) Good cousin, yours. 

Fannie, (coldly. ) Cousin Malcolm, we are happy to wel- 
come you to Flowerdale. 

Malcolm, (sitting down and opening his book.) I was 
reading, as I came here, a treatise on the culture of black- 
eyed beans, which is very curious. [Beads. 

Mr. Marston, (aside.) Bless my heart ! this is a pretty 
beginning. 

Fannie, (to Kate.) You will have your hands full to 
civilize him. 

Kate, (to Fannie.) I'll do it, though, never fear 



MANAGE. 159 

Me. Makston. Well, girls, I'll leave Malcolm with you 
for a short time. I wish to speak to my gardener about 
the magnolia tree. [Exit Mr. Maestcn 

Fannie, (aside to Kate.) I'll leave you. He seems air 
sorbed in his book. [Exit Fannie. 

Kate, (aside.) This bearish student is very handsome. 
How can I open the campaign ? First, I'll make him 
lookup. [Aloud.] Ahem! [Aside.] He does not hear.j 
[Aloud.] Ahem ! 

Malcolm, (reading without looking up.) " As regards the 
structure of this stupendous monument of art, language is 
inadequate to depict its wondrous excellence. We may 
gaze, may pause before it daily, yet never " 

Kate, (loudly.) Mr. Malcolm Hoyle. 

Malcolm, (looking up with an absent air.) I beg pardon, 
did you speak ? 

Kate. Are you aware, sir, that you and I are left to en- 
tertain each other ? 

Malcolm, (looking round the room.) Ah, indeed ! So 
we are. [Bends over his book again. 

Kate, (aside.) Provoking fellow. [Aloud.] Well, sir, 
it is usually the gentleman's part to speak first. [After a 
moments silence.] I say, sir, it is usually the gentleman's 
part to entertain the lady. 

Malcolm, (pettishly.) What a noise ! Really, if this is 
the country quiet my uncle promised me, I shall again 
retire to the city. [Beads again. 

Kate, (aside.) An iceberg is quite a genial companion 
compared with this man. [Aloud.] Cousin! 
Malcolm, Reading without looking up. ) 

" What cracker is this same that deafs my ears 
With this abundance of superfluous breath ?" 
Kate, (indignantly.) Sir? 



160 MANAGE. 

Malcolm, {quietly.) Shakspeare, cousin. [Reads. 

Kate. You are insulting, sir. [^.si'de.] He does not 
seem to hear, much less to heed. [Aloud.] If, sir, you 
wish to be impertinent — ]louder] — I say, sir, if you wish to 
be impertinent 

Malcolm, [reading, not looking up.) 

" Think you a little din can daunt mine ears ? 
Have I not, in my time, heard lions roar ? 
Have I not heard great ordnance in the field, 
And heaven's artillery thunder in the skies ? 
And shall you fright me with a woman's tongue " 

Kate. This is too much. [In a loud, indignant tone.] 
Mr. Hoyle ! 

Malcolm, [calmly looking up.) I beg pardon, did you 
speak ? [Reads. 

Kate, [aside.) One might as well scold a stone wall. 
1*0. try coaxing. [Aloud, tenderly, laying her hand on Mal- 
colm f s arm.] My dear cousin ! 

Malcolm, [rising and removing her hand.) Young wo- 
man, you annoy me ! [Exit Malcolm. 

Kate, [looking after him.) Oh, such a man ! Man ? 

He's a bear ! 

[Curtain falls. 



Scene II. — Same as Scene I. [Age.] 
Enter Fannie. 

Fannte. To-day it must come ! I must tell my father 
of my marriage, and, as I am of age, assert my indepen- 
dence. Yet, if he would but love my husband, how happy 
it would make me ! I fear there is no hope of it. Kate's 
suit does not seem to prosper, spite of the spirit with which 



MANAGE. 161 

she pursues her poiut. There are times when, I fancy, 
Malcolm's eyes follow her with a look of fondness, yet they 
so soon fall again upon the book, that it is impossible for 
me to be certain. Oh, if he would only propose to her, I 
might, in the first pleasure my father would feel, gain a 
lenient judgment for my rebellion. 

Enter Leonard. 

Leonard. I am punctual, dear Fannie. This is the 
hour you appointed for me to claim my bride. 

Fannie. Oh, Leonard, I so dread my father's anger. 

Leonard. It seems rather hard that an old quarrel be- 
tween your father and mine shoidd separate us. 

Fannie. True ! Well, come, we will have it over. 

Leonard. How you tremble ! Never fear, darling. If 
your father is harsh, trust your husband to be all love, and 
make your future so bright that you will forget past un- 
kindness. 

Fannte. Dear Leonard ! [Exeunt. 

Enter Malcolm. 

Malcolm. A pretty fellow I am, to be sure. I came 
here resolved to force my cousins to reject me, and leave 
me to my beloved books, and now I would give the whole 
library to win Kate for my wife. My bonny Kate ! 

Enter Mr. Marston. 

Mr. Marston. Ah, Malcolm, my boy, you are here ? 
Without a book ! why what will happen next ? 

Malcolm. I was about to seek you, uncle,* to ask your 
consent to my paying my addresses to my cousin 

Mr. Marston. You have it, my boy, of course ! I 
thought that was understood. I told you, the day you 

arrived, that Fannie 

11 



162 MANAGE. 

Malcolm. But, sir, it is not Fannie. I admit she is 
charming ; but I love Kate. 

Enter Kate. She stands back, not perceived by the others. 

Mr. Marston. You ! You in love with my daughter 
Kate! 

Kate, {aside. ) Seems to me that conversation is an in- 
teresting one. 

Malcolm. It is true, sir, I have tried in vain to conquer 
the feeling. I do, indeed, love her. 

Mr. Marston. Tut ! tut ! A mere child. Now Fan- 
nie 

Malcolm. Is lovely, I grant ; but Kate, and Kate only, 
is mistress of my heart. Such vivacity, such wit, beauty, 
intelligence ! Oh, uncle, let me woo Kate ! 

Kate, [aside. ) Oh, that is delicious ! 

Mr. Marston. But her age 

Malcolm. Eighteen ! the most charming age in the 
world. 

Mr. Marston. But if I consent, have you spoken to 
her? 

Malcolm. Not yet. But I will win her, never fear. 

Kate, [aside.) Will you ? 

Mr. Marston. Well, well, if she is willing I suppose I 
must not be too cruel. 

Malcolm. Thank you, dearest, best of uncles. [Exit. 

Enter Fannie and Leonard. Kate comes forward with them, as if 
just entering. 

Mr. Marston. My dear fellow, I — [seeing Leonard.] 
Hey-day, what is this ? What are you doing, sir, in my 
house ? 



MANAGE. 163 

Fannie. Hush, Leonard, let me speak. Father, I will 
explain 

Me. Marston. Explain ! I will hear nothing while 
that man stands beneath my roof. Leave my house, sir, 
instantly ! 

Leonard. If, sir, you will allow me to speak 

Me. Marston. Not a word ! Have I arrived at my age 
to be bearded by a boy ? 

Fannie. Father, for pity's sake let me speak ! I have 
done wrong, perhaps ; yet [looking at Leonard] my love 

Mr. Maeston. What, your love ! Have you dared, 
Leonard, to make love to my child ? 

Leonard. Mr. Marston, I am proud to call your daugh- 
ter my wife ! 

Me. Marston. Your wife ! It is time this was put to a 
stop. [To Fannie.] Go to your room, miss. 

Fannie. I must, for the first time, refuse to obey you. 
Leonard is my husband, and, as to-day I am of age 

Me. Marston, {sadly.) So my child's first act of free- 
dom is to marry her father's enemy. 

Leonard. Not so. Do but smile upon our union, and 
no father ever had a more devoted son than I will be to 
you. 

Fannie. Dear father, listen to him for my sake. 

Kate. And mine. 

Me. Marston. You, too. Well, as you are of age, and 
I cannot help myself, I suppose I must forgive you this 
time. 

Fannie, {joyfully.) And we promise never to do so 
again. 

Me. Marston, (to Kate.) But do not imagine, if you 



164 MANAGE. 

follow their example, that I will be so lenient a second 
time. 

Kate. Never fear, I promise not to elope till I am of 
age. 

[Curtain falls. 



Scene III. — Same as Scenes I. and II. [Manage.] 

Enter Kate and Fannie. 

Kate. This is enchanting ! My most studious and 
ungallant cousin a suitor for my hand, and so certain, too, 
of success. Really his lordship seems to consider that he 
is conferring a personal favor. 

Fannie. Have you seen him this morning ? 

Kate. Not since Leonard left us to prepare the house 
for you. 

Fannie. Imagine him, then, in a suit of fine broadcloth, 
clean linen, glossy hair, patent leather boots 

Kate. Stop ! stop ! My fancy is not sufficiently vivid 
to paint such a picture. Malcolm well dressed ! Oh, 
Cupid ! Cupid ! What a potent warrior you are ! 

Fannie. But, Kate, I pity you. 

Kate. You need not, for, tell it not, Fannie, your mad- 
cap sister has fairly lost her heart to that modern Timon. 

Fannie. That is why I pity you. Malcolm, who im- . 
agines, from your wayward freaks for the last week, that 
you are quite his slave, will rule " en grand Seigneur /" 

Kate. . Will he ? What will you say if he hands me my 
pocket-handkerchief upon his bended knee. 

Fannie. Impossible ! Fortunes could not force him to 
the position. 

Kate. But I will. .Leave me to manage him. 



MANAGE. 166 

Fannie. Well, success attend you. [Exit Fannie. 

Kate, {sitting down at a table.) Now to pay my lover for 
a week's indifference ! [Takes a book and opens it.] Hark ! 
he's is coming ! [Begins to read. 

Enter Malcolm, well dressed. 

Malcolm, (aside.) She is here. Beading too. What a 
white hand supports her head. [Aloud.] Kate ! [Silence 
for a moment.] 

Malcolm, (louder.) Kate ! 

Kate, (looking up absently.) I beg pardon, did you 
speak ? [Reads again. 

Malcolm, (surprised.) Why, cousin, I never saw you 
so studious before. I wish to speak to you. We are alone. 
[Aside.] She does not hear a word. I say, [louder,] cousin, 
we are alone ! 

Kate, (looking round.) Ah, so we are. [Reads again. 

Malcolm. Usually in such cases conversation takes the 
place of study. 

Kate, (reading without looking up.) 

* ' Give me 
Leave to enjoy myself. The place that does 
Contain my books, the best companion, is 
To me a glorious court." 

Malcolm. Cousin Kate ! Kate ! I say. 

Kate, (pettishly.) Fie! what a noise ! One never knows 
an hour's peace, with a man in the house. I must retire 
to the city for a little quiet ! [Reads again, 

Malcolm, (aside.) 

" What change comes o'er the spirit of her dream '?" 
My madcap cousin a student ! Is it love prompts her ? 

Kate, (aside.) I'll cure him of that impression speedily. 

Malcolm. Fair cousin, may I speak a word with you ? 



166 MANAGE. 

Kate, [reading without looking up.) "I wonder you will 
still be talking, Signor Benedict ; nobody marks you !" 

Malcolm, [indignantly. ) Do you mean to be personal ? 

Kate, [quietly looking up.) Shakspeare, cousin ! 

Malcolm. The quotation was quite too pointed to be 
unintentional. [.Aside.] She does not listen. [In a loud, 
decided tone.] Miss Kate Marston ! 

Kate, (looking up. ) I beg pardon, did you speak ? 

[Reads again. 

Malcolm. I did speak. I wish to inquire why you 
insult me — after — [Aside.] Is she deaf? She does not 
seem to hear. Ah, I see ! She is feigning indifference to 
hide emotion. Dear girl, I will relieve her mind. [Aloud, 
tenderly, leaning over Kate's chair, and taking her hand.] 
Dearest, best cousin Kate ! 

Kate, {withdrawing her hand.) Young man, you annoy 
me ! 

Malcolm, (angrily. ) What does all this mean ? 

Kate, (rising.) This constant talking really jars upon 
my nerves. I will retire to my own room to meditate and 
study. [Going. 

Malcolm. Cousin Kate, stay one minute. 

Kate, (returning slowly.) Certainly, five if you like. 

[Looks at her watch. 

Malcolm. Are you so pressed for time ? 

Kate. "Well, sir, you have called me back. [Drops her 
handkerchief.] Dear me, my handkerchief ! 

Malcolm. I wished to say to you 

Kate. I have dropped my handkerchief. 

Malcolm, (carelessly.) So I perceive. 

Kate. Well, sir, it is customary for a gentleman to hand 
a lady what she drops. 



MANAGE. 1GT 

Malcolm.- Is it ? 

Kate. Certainly. Since you will not restore that one, 
I must go to my room Tor another. [Going. 

Malcolm. Stay ! stay ! Here it is ! [Picks it up, and 
offers it carelessly.] 

Kate. Is that the position to assume when you offer 
anything to a lady ? Kneel, sir ! 

Malcolm. I ! I kneel to a woman, never ! 

Kate. We waste time ! I must go to my room to study. 

Malcolm. No ! no ! [Kneels.] See, I comply. 

Enter Fannie, unseen by Malcolm ; Kate motions h a ,r to be silent. 

Kate. Now that you are in a proper position, speak ? 
I listen ! 

Malcolm, (rising.) Cousin 

Kate. Do not rise ! 

Malcolm. But Kate 

Kate, ( going. ) I go then. 

Malcolm, (retaining his position.) Be it as you will. 
See, I kneel to tell you I love you. Will you return my 
love? 

Enter Mr. Marston and Leonard. 

Fannie. Marvelous ! 

Mr. Maeston. What do I see ? 

Leonard. Malcolm Hoyle on his knees to a woman. 

Malcolm, (rising.) I wait my answer, cousin. Do not 
mind these intruders. 

Fannie, (to Kate.) How did you manage it ? 

Kate, (to Fannie.) That's my secret. [To Malcolm.] 
Cousin Malcolm ! 

Malcolm, (coining to her side.) I am all impatience for 
your answer, Kate. 



168 MANAGE. 

Kate. And it shall be a quotation from your favorite 
Shakspeare : 

" To you I give myself, for I am yours." 

Mr. Makston. So ! so ! You did manage to win my 
girl's heart, Malcolm ? 

Malcolm, {taking Kate's hand, and speaking to audience.) 
If we can manage, also, to win the favor of our friends 
here, our efforts will not have been made in vain. 

[Curtain falls. 

Position of characters at fall of curtain : 
Fannie, Leonard, Kate, Malcolm, Mr. Marston. 



MASQUERADE. 



CHARACTERS. 

Mr. Charles Mason, in love with Charlotte Lathrope. 
Mr. Charles Harper, in love with Caroline Lathrope. 
Miss Charlotte Lathrope. 
Miss Caroline Lathrope. 
Katie, the lady's maid. 



PROPERTIES. 



Parlor Furniture. Table with Pen, Ink, and paper, upon U. 
Envelope with Note Paper in it Two White Dominoes, each 
trimmed with Crimson. Blue Domino. Knot of Blue Ribbons. 
Two Cloaks with Cowls, Four Masks. 



MASQUERADE. 



Scene I. [Masquer.] 

Mr. Lathrope' s parlor. A table at right of stage, with pen, ink, and 
paper upon it. 

Enter Katie, holding a note. 
Katie. There's something queer going on, / know. I 
carne across the garden just now, and first I met Miss Char- 
lotte looking very anxiously round, and in the next path 
there stood Miss Caroline, trying to look as if she was 
smelling the roses. Oh, you needn't tell me ! I know 
when young ladies is exercised in their mind. I aint been 
lady's maid ever since 1 could speak plain for nothing. So 
I came into the house, and there at the door, stood a splen- 
diferous man — such whiskers ! Oh, them whiskers was 
enough to subdue the heart of a dragon ; and says he to 
me — "Do you live here?" "Yes, sir," says I. "Give 
this to your mistress," says he ; and he pops a note in my 
hand, and a kiss on my cheek, both at once. He didn't 
specify which one was for my lady ; but I'll take the risk, 
and give her the note. Now, I wonder who it is for ! Mrs. 
Lathrope is at Niagara, with master, so it can't be her, and 
[reads the directions] it's Miss C. Lathrope. 

Enter Caroline. 
Miss C. Lathrope ! 

Casoune. My name ! What have you there, Katie ? 
Katie. A note, miss. 



172 MASQUERADE. 

Caroline. For me ? 

Katie. Are you acquainted with a gentleman as owns a 
pair of — oh, such whiskers ? 

Caroline, {embarrassed,.) I, Katie ? — when pa expressly 
forbade us to see any gentlemen while he was gone. 

Katee, [going off.) Then this note is for Miss Charlotte. 

Caroline. Stay, Katie. I — I — think my shoemaker 
has whiskers ; it is his bill. 

Katie. No, miss ! They doesn't give in their bills in 
the way this was delivered. 

Cakoline. But — but — I think it is mine, Katie. Give 
it to me. 

Katie, [giving it.) Well, miss, if it's Miss Charlotte's, 
you'll tell her it wasn't my fault ? 

Caroline. Katie, do you like the blue muslin dress I 
wore yesterday afternoon ? 

Katie. Yes, miss. 

Caroline. Well, Katie, take it — keep it 

Katie. Oh, thank you, miss ! 

Caroline. By the way, Katie, if you forget to mention 
this note to my sister, I think I can find some ribbons like 
the dress. 

Katie. Laud, miss ! I've forgotten it already. 

[Exit Katie. 

Caroline. It is doubtless from Charles. My sister 
must know nothing of him ; for, in case we elope, I 
should not like my parents to punish poor Charlotte as an 
aid in my act of disobedience. [Opens the note and reads.] 

"Dearest: — I have just heard of a large masked ball to 
be given this day week, at Mrs. Simpson's, at which you 
will, of course, be present. To aid our schemes, will it not 
be well for us both to play the masquer, and elope from 
there ? To avoid suspicion, I wdll not see you again until 



MASQUERADE. 173 

we meet there. Wear a white domino trimmed with crim- 
son, and a black mask. I will wear a monk's robe with a 
long hood ; upon the left shoulder a shell. Everything 
shall be prepared for our flight. Till then, adieu ! 

Charles." 
Excellent ! I will see about my dress immediately. 
Stay ! Charlotte must know nothing of this, or she will 
recognize my domino. I must have another dress under 
that. As Charles goes as a friar, I will dress as a nun. 

[Exit Caroline. As she goes out she drops the note. 

Enter Charlotte. 
Charlotte. What can have happened to Charles ! It is 
a whole week since he was here. I have looked anxiously 
for some answer to my last letter ; but none came, If 
Caroline should discover my secret, all is lost — for she 
would feel it her duty, being older than myself, to inform 
our parents. [Sees note.] What is this ? A note addressed 
to me [opens it] from Charles. [Reads note aloud.] Oh, 
how fortunate Caroline did not see this ! 

Enter Katie. 

Katie. If you please, Miss Charlotte, there's a gentle- 
man with the beautifulest moustaches at the hedge, in the 
garden, and he told me to tell you he was a mason, and 
was waiting for your orders. 

Charlotte, (aside.) Capital subterfuge ! A mason ! 
[Laughs.] Katie, where is my sister ? 

Katie. Walking about in the garden. 

Charlotte, (aside.) Then I dare not see him. I will 
write. [Goes to table and writes — reading aloud as she docs 
so.] 

" Dear Charles : — Your idea is an excellent one ; you are 
worthy to be a mason for your powers of mystifying. I 
will be at Mrs. Simpson's ; have all in readiness for our 
elopement. Remember, you wear a monk's dress, with a 



174 MASQUERADE. 

shell on the left shoulder — and I wear a white and crimson 
domino. Do not try to see me until then. 

Charlotte." 
[Folds.] Katie ! 

Katie. Yes, miss. 

Charlotte. Give this to the mason. [Exit Katte. 

So that is settled ! 

Enter Caroline. 

Caroline. I have just received cards for Mrs. Simpson's 
fancy ball. Charlotte ; do you feel inclined to play the 
masquer in this warm weather ? 

Charlotte. Oh, yes ! It is very stupid here in the 
summer generally. This will be quite exciting. Ah — ah — 
What did you think of wearing ? 

Caroline. I shall go as a nun. 

Charlotte. But what domino ? 

Caroline. I — I — have not quite decided. What dress 
do you propose to wear ? 

Charlotte. Let me see ! What do you think of a peas- 
ant's dress ? 

Caroline. Very good — and your domino ? 

Charlotte. Oh, time enough for that ! It is soon 
made. 

Enter Katie. 

Katte. Dinner is ready, young ladies. 

[Exeunt Chaklotte and Caroline. 
I wonder what a masquer is ! anything like a master now ? 
Miss Caroline says to me in the garden that she was going 
to be that at a ball next week ; and when I gave the man 
with the moustache the note, says he — " Play the masquer ! 
— capital !" If I aint mistaken, he'll play the master with 
Miss Charlotte soon. Gave me half a dollar — and — and — ■ 
something else, for that note. 

[Curtain falls. 



MASQUERADE. 175 

Scene II. — Same as Scene I. [Aid.] 

Enter Katie. 

Katie. Dear me ! them 'ere fancy balls must be queer 
sort o' things ! Now there's Miss Caroline, she's going to 
wear the queerest sort o' black rig ever was, with a white 
towel round her head ; and Miss Charlotte, she's going in 
a straw hat and striped gown ; and they've got big calikerv 
cloaks and black things with holes in them, to tie over 
their faces. I'd like to get a peep at the rest of the folks, 
first rate. 

[Enter Caroline, carrying on her arm a white and crimson dom- 
ino, and a mask in her hand; she looks cautiously around.} 

Caroline. Katie ! 

Katie. Yes, miss ! 

Caroline. Katie, how would you like to go to the ball 
this evening, and earn a new bonnet ? 

Katie. Laud, miss ! of course I'd like it first rate. 

Caroline. Then, Katie, you must aid me in a — a — well 
— a kind of little trick I'm going to play. Sister and I aro 
going now to my aunt's to dress, and go with their party, 
and you must meet us at Mrs. Simpson's. Wear this cloak 
and mask ; and when I meet you, change with me. You 
will know me by a bunch of blue ribbons on my right 
wrist, and a blue cloak. Eemember, Katie, not a word to 
Miss Charlotte. 

Katie. I'm to meet you, and give you this cloak for 
yours ? 

Caroline. Yes ! hush ! Hide that cloak quick — here 
comes my sister. [Exit Caroline. Katie hides the clonic. 

Enter Charlotte, with a bundle in her Juind. 
Charlotte. Katie, how would you like to go to the ball 



176 MASQUEKAJDE. 

to-night ? — and — and — Katie, your best dress is looking 
worn. Don't you want a new one ? 

Katie, (aside. ) Well, I am in luck. [Aloud. ] Oh, Miss 
Charlotte, how would I get in ? You're making fun, miss. 

Charlotte. I will give you my card. "We go with my 
aunt's party ; so I shall not need it. I want you to aid me 
T in a — a — little game I'm going to play. 

Katie. Well, miss ? 

Charlotte. When you get to Mrs. Simpson's, slip up 
into the dressing-room, and put this bundle behind the 
door — just leave it there ! I shall not have room for it in 
the carriage. That is all. Ah ! Katie — you — you — needn't 
tell Miss Caroline. 

Katie. Oh, Laud ! no, miss ! 

Caroline, (behind tlie scenes.) Charlotte, are you ready ? 
The carriage is here ! 

Charlotte. I'm coming. Remember, Katie ! 

[Exit Charlotte. 

Katie. So, I am to aid in two little tricks ! I wonder 
what's in the bundle ! [Peeps.] — Another white and red 
cloak, as I am alive ! Well, if I am to go to this ball, I'm 
going to keep my eyes wide open. I wonder if them splen- 
diferous whiskers, and that exciting moustache has got any 
little games to play. Well, I must go slick up my hair and 
get ready. [Exit Katie. 

[Curtain falls. 



Scene III. [Masquerade.] 

A parlor at Mrs. Simpson's. Music as if from a ball-room behin 
the scenes. 

Enter Chaeles Mason, in a monk's dress ; he is masked. 

Charles Mason. It is getting very late, and no signs 

yet of Charlotte. I have followed every mask, but have 






MASQUERADE. 177 

seen no white and crimson domino. Ah ! who comes 
here ! [Steps aside. 

Enter Caroline, in a blue domino, with a knot of blue ribb 

wrist. 

Caroline. Where can Katie be ? I am in an agony of 
suspense about Charles, and until I get that domino he will 
not know me — [Sees Chakles Mason.] Ha ! a monk — 
shell on the left shoulder — it must be him. Ahem ! Most 
reverend friar ! 

Chakles Mason, (coming forward.) Can I serve you, 
lady? 

Caroline. A lady waits for one who promised to meet 
her in a friar's dress — the mask a crimson and white 
domino. 

Charles Mason. Where ? Tell me quickly. 

Caroline. Charles ! 

Charles Mason. My angel 

Caroline. Hush ! some one is coming ! Meet me here 
in half an hour. [Exit Caroline at right of stage — Exit 
Charles Mason at left of stage.] 

Enter Katie, in a crimson and white domino, and masked. 
Katie. Oh, laud ! this cloak bothers me [trips. ] There 
I go again — I'll break my neck on the horrid thing yet. 
Where can Miss Caroline be ? Miss Charlotte she's out 
there with her red and white bobbery on — I saw her just 
now. 

Enter Charles Harper. 

Charles Harper. There she is at last — [comi^t 
Katie.] Caroline ! [Katie screams.] Hush ! — it is I, my 
angel ! 

Katie. What do you want ? [Aside.] Oh, my graci< ra 
it's them splendiferous whiskers ! That's the trick is 
it ? I mean to pretend, and see what he will say. 
12 



178 MASQUERADE. 

Charles Harper. Why do you turn from rne, Caro- 
line ? Surely I may hope, from seeing this dress, that you 
agree to the rest of my note ? 

Katie. Yes but — [aside] — I wish he would make love to 
me ! [Aloud.] Oh, how I palpitate ! 

Charles Harper. Lean upon me, dearest. Surely you 
do not repent your promise ? 

Kates. Oh, lor ! I hear somebody. Eun ! Run ! 

[Exit Charles Harper, 

Enter Caroline. 
Caroline. Hist ! Katie ! 
Kates. Yes, miss. 

Caroline. Take my cloak, quick — give me yours ! So ! 

[They change dominoes. 

Caroline. Now to find Charles again ! [Exit Caroline. 

Katie. Them whiskers was getting along splendid ! 
Ah, here comes that monk back ! 

Enter Charles Mason. 

Charles Mason. You see I am punctual, dearest Char- 
lotte ! 

Kates, (aside.) My goodness, this is the moustaches ; 
and Miss Charlotte's in the fun too. 

Charles Mason. Why did you not wear the dress 
agreed upon ? I should never have found you had you not 
w r hispered to me in the ball-room, and told me to meet you 
here. 

Katie, (aside. ) I mean to set him to making love too. 
[Aloud.] Can I trust you ? 

Charles Mason. Trust me ! After loving you so long, 
do you doubt me now ? [Kneels.] Hear me swear. 






MASQUERADE. 179 

Enter Charlotte, back. 

Katie. Swear then ! go ahead ! 

Charles Mason. By all my hopes of happiness, by thy 
bright eyes ancl sunny tresses, by the vows I have so often 
sworn, I swear I love you only. 

Charlotte, (coming forward.) Perfidious man ! 

[Katie screams, and runs off. 

Charles Mason. Who are you, madam ? 

Charlotte. This is the climax of insult ! Dare you in 
that dress inquire who / am ? [Unmasking.] Now do you 
know me ? 

Charles Mason. Charlotte ! 

Charlotte. Yes, Charlotte ! who, trusting to your love 
and vows, comes here to meet you — you only, and hear — 
hear — [Sobs. 

Charles Mason. "Who, then, is the blue mask ? 

Charlotte. A pretty question to ask me. You seem to 
be well acquainted ! Farewell forever ! [3Iasks and exit. 

Charles Mason. Oh, this will never do. Confound 
these disguises. Ha ! she returns ! 

Enter Caroline. 

Caroline. You are punctual, dearest Charles. You 
see I found time to change my dress. 

Charles Mason. Am I then forgiven ? 

Caroline. The mistake was natural, as I did riot exactly 
fulfill my part of the contract. 

Charles Mason, (kissing her hand.) You are ever kind, 
dearest. You know, however appearances are against me. 
my heart is all your own. 

Enter Chakles Harper, back. 
Caroline. As mine is all yours. Ah, I only live when 
in your presence. Is all ready for our elopement ? 



180 MASQUERADE. 

Charles Mason. All ! I will step out now, and in a 
few moments rejoin you. [Kisses her hand, and exit. 

Charles Harper, (advancing. ) So, madam, this is your 
constancy ! 

Caroline. My constancy, dearest Charles ! What do 
you mean ? 

Charles Harper. I overheard your appointment, and 
merely came forward to take a final farewell. 

Caroline. A final farewell ? I do not understand ! 

Charles Harper. Are you not Caroline Lathrope ? 

Caroline. Certainly ; and since we come to names, who 
are you ? 

Charles Harper, (unmasking.) One you might blush 
to face. 

Caroline. Why should I blush to face you ? 

Charles Harper. Oh, madam, this affectation does not 
blind me. Farewell ! [Exit Charles Harper. 

Caroline. He took too much champagne at supper. 
To make an appointment one moment, and then reproach 
me so bitterly the next. I will seek him. [Exit Caroline. 

Enter Chaelotte. 

Charlotte. What a wretched girl I am ! Oh, Charles f 
Charles ! how could you deceive such a trusting heart. 

Enter Chaeees Mason. 

Charles Mason. All is ready now, dearest Charlotte ! 

Charlotte, (haughtily. ) Beady, sir ! For what, may I 
inquire, is all in readiness ? 

Charles Mason. For our elopement. Surely, after 
your angelic conduct five minutes ago 

Charlotte. My angelic conduct ! You must be think- 
ing of some of your other flames ! 






MASQUERADE. J 81 

Charles Mason, (aside.) Was there ever such a weath- 
er-vane ! 

Enter Caroline. 

[Charlotte, standing with her back to Charles, does not 
see Caroline.] 

Caroline. I entreat yon, Charles, tell me what you 
meant by such violent reproaches. 

Charlotte, (taming.) A third ! Oh, this is too much ! 
[7b Caroline.] Madam, a little less boldness in the ap- 
propriation of my betrothed lover would well become you. 

Caroline. Your lover ? — Oh, Charles, can this be true ! 
Was it to mask your own inconstancy you reproached me 
so bitterly ? 

Charles Mason. Ladies ! I entreat ! There is some 
dreadful mistake here. 

Enter Katie. 

Katie, (in a low tone to Charlotte.) Your aunt's look- 
ing everywhere for you, miss ! 

Charles Mason, (to Caroltne.) You are mistaken, 
madam, I assure you. 

[Charlotte crosses to Caroline's tide, 

Charlotte. May I inquire, madam, by what right you 
call my lover by his Christian name ? 

Caroline. Since he has taken that position, I of course 
renounce all further title to his love. 

Enter Charles Harper. 

Charles Harper, (to Charlotte.) Let me address one 
final word to you before I leave this place, Caroline V 

Charlotte. Caroline, sir, is probably your ofktr sweet* 
heart ! 

Charles Mason, (to Caroline.) Charlotte, X entreat 
you 



182 MASQUERADE. 

Katie. Well, I do declare ! they're all so mixed up now, 
I can't tell t'other from which ! 

Caeoline, (to Charles Mason.) Your inconstancy needs 
no further proof, sir, since you have even forgotten my 
Christian name. 

Charles Harper, [lo Charlotte.) Are you not Caro- 
line Lathrope ? 

Charlotte, (aside.) My sister ! What can this mean ? 

Charles Mason, (to Caroline. ) Forgotten your name ? 
Are not you Miss Charlotte Lathrope ? 

Caroline, (aside. ) Charlotte ! my sister ! 

Katie, (aside.) Was ever such a set of ninnies ! [Aloud.] 
Don't you all see you've got each other's beau ! Take off 
the black things, and it will be all right. 

[ They all unmask. 

Caroline. Charlotte ! 

Charlotte. Caroline ! I — I — it seems to me, sister, 
that we can't either of us reproach the other very well. 

Charles Mason. And since all the trouble has been 
occasioned by this masquerade attire, may I not hope to 
be forgiven ? 

Charles Harper. Caroline, you will overlook my un- 
just reproaches. I see it all now. 

Katie. There's a lot of folks coming this way. 

[Tliey all mask. 

[Music behind the scenes. Charles Mason waltzes off with 
Charlotte — Charles Harper with Caroline.] 

Katie. I s'pose I may dance by myself ! A pretty way 
to be left, when I've had them whiskers and that moustache 
both making love to me this very night ! 

[Curtain falls. 



DICK & FITZGERALD, 

PUBLISHERS, NEW YORK. 



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Dick's Encyclopedia of Practical Receipts and Processes. 

Containing over 6,400 Receipts ; embracing thorough information, in plain 
language, applicable to almost every possible industrial and domestic re- 
quirement. The scope of this work is different from any other book of tho 
kind. The contents of the Encyclopedia are collated from works on tho 
various subjects by authors of eminence in their respective branches, divested 
of technicalites, simplified and illustrated by diagrams, where necessary, so 
as to make the wholo plain and intelligible to the uninitiated. This work 
presents a complete and indispcnsablo book for the household, farm, garden, 
&e. ; including instructions as to what to do and how to do it, in case of ail 
accidents, contingencies, and ailments of daily life. It also aifords a valua- 
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of " Sundries," especially Toilet Soaps, Dentifrices, Cosmetics, ami Perfum- 
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eminent Physicians, or from various European officinal sources ; thus forming 
a useful and desirable adjunct to the united States Pharmacopoeia* it 
enables the Grocer to prepare his own Flavoring Extracts. Vinegar, and a 
host of other articles, cheaper and better than he can purchase them ; and 
to test the quality of some of the Goods that he buys and sells. To the 
Liquor Dealer it gives the best and latest methods of treating and improv- 
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tling all kinds of Wines, Cider, &c, — it lays before the workman the results 
obtained by the experiments and experience of the masters of his trado. 
In fact it is almost useless to attempt an enumeration of the advanta; 
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information and profit from its* pages. The Index of* this work occupies 42 
three-column pages, in small type. GOO pages, royal octavo, cloth. 

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Bound injialf calf, extra §7-50. 

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Uhe Parlor Stage. A Collection of Drawing-room ProTerDS, 
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might say, with genius; for the Acting Charades and Proverbs are r 
minor dramas of a high order of merit. Th< re are twenty-four of them, and 
fourteen Tableaux, all of which are excellent. The characters are adl 
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iYiison's Book of Recitations and Dialogues. With Instruc- 
tions in Elocution and Declamation. Containing a choice selection of 
Poetical and Prose Kecitations and Original Colloquies. Desi 

Reading Book for Classes, and as an Assistant to Teachers ami S 
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£ 



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Book of Riddles and Five Hundred Home Amusements- 

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Day's Cards for Popping the Question. An Original Gamo 

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Frost's New Book of Dialogues. Being an entirely new and 
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Frost's Dialogues for Young Folks. A collection of Original, 

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The Banjo, and How to Play It. Containing, in addition to 
the Elementary Study, a choice collection of Polkas, Waltzes, Solos, Schot- 
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How to Speak in Public ; or, the Art of Extempore Oratory. A 
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How to Shine in Society ; or, the Science of Conversation. Con- 
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The Athlete's Guide. A hand-book on Walking, Running, and 
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Howard's Book of Conundrums and Riddles. Containing 

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Frost's Book of Tableaux and Shadow Pantomimes. 

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Laughing Gas. An Encyclopedia of ^Vit. TTisdom, and 
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Sam Slick in Search of a Wife. I2ma 

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Cards of Courtship. Arranged with such apt Conversations 

that you will be enabled to ask the momentous question categorically, ip 
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These cards may be used, either by two persons, or they will make lots 01 
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love-Making Made Easy. By Love-Letter Cards. We 

have just printed a new and novel Set of Cards which will delight the hearts 
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Fortune-Telling Cards. Solutions of uncertain and intri- 
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Leap-Year Cards. To enable any lady to pop the question 

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among young people than for any practical utility. There are twenty-one 
pink or yellow cards, and the same number of white ones — forty-two in all. 
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attack. The twenty-one answers, on white cards, is where the fun comes in. 
Put up in handsome cases, on which are printed directions 30 CtS- 

•Araillard's Book of Practical Eeceipts. For the use of 

Families, Druggists, Perfumers, Confectioners, Patent Medicine Factors, 
and Dealers in Soaps and Fancy Articles for the Toilet. Compiled with 
great care from receipts now in use by the most popular houses in France 
and the United States. By F„ A. Souillard, practical chemist. 
£aper cover. Price...-., . ...<...••* c .«....i.*< ..« 25 Ot» 



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Brudder Bones' Book of Stump Speeches and Burlesque 

Orations. Also containing Humorous Lectures, Ethiopian Dialogues, Plan- 
tation Scenes, Negro Farces and Burlesques, Laughable Intei . 
ic Recitations, interspersed with Dutch, Irish, French and 5 
Compiled and edited by John F. IScott. This book contain I the 

best hits of the leading negro delineators of the present tirn<\ as well as 
mirth-provoking jokes and repartees of the most celebrated End-Men ofl 
day, and specially designed for the introduction of fun in an evei.; 

tertainment. Paper covers. Price 30 cts. 

Bound in boards, illuminated 50 cts. 

Frost's Original Letter- Writer. A complete collection of 

Original Letters and Notes, upon every imaginable subject ol Every-I)ay 
Life, with plain directions about everything connected with writing a letter. 
Containing Letters of Introduction, Letters on Business, Letters answering 
Advertisements, Letters of Recommendation, Applications for Employment, 
Letters of Congratulation, of Condolence, of Friendship and Relationship, 
Love Letters, Notes of Invitation, Notes Accompanying Gifts, Letters of 
Favor, of Advice, and Letters of Excuse, together with an appropriate 
answer to each. The whole embracing three hundred letters and notes. By 
S. A. Frost, author of " The Parlor Stage," " Dialogues for Young Folks." 
etc. To which is added a comprehensive Table of Synonyms alone worth- 
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American public. We assure our readers that it is the best collection of 
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Inquire Within for Anything you Want to Know ; cr, (hi r 

3,700 Facts for the People. "Inquire Within " is one of the most valuable 
and extraordinary volumes ever presented to the American public, and 
embodies nearly 4,000 facts, in most of which any person will find instruc- 
tion, aid and entertainment. It contains so many valuable recipes, that 
an enumeration of them requires seventy-two columns of fine type for the 
index. Illustrated. 436 large pages. Price \$1 50 

The Sociable ; or, One Thousand and One Home Amutem 
Containing Acting Proverbs, Dramatic Charades, Acting Charades.,Tableaux 
Vivants, Parlor Games and Parlor Magic, and a choice collection of Puzzles, 
etc., illustrated with nearly 300 Engravings and Diagrams, the whole being 
a fund of never-ending entertainment. By the author of the " Magician's 
Own Book." Nearly 400 pages, 12 mo. cloth, gilt side stamp. Price. .$1 50 

Martine's Hand-Book of Etiquette and Guide to True Po- 
liteness. A complete Manual for all those who desire to understand good 
breeding, the customs of good society, and to avoid incorrect and vulga* 

. habits. Containing clear and comprehensive directions tor correct manners, 
conversation, dress, introductions, rules for good behavior at Dinner Pa 
and the table, with hints on wine and carving at the table; together with 
Etiquette of the Ball and Assembly Room, Evening Parties, and the Ui 
to be observed when visiting or receiving calls; deportment in * 
and when travelling. To which is added the Etiquette of Courtship 

Marriage. Bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 50 Cti 

Bounc? n cloth, gilt side 75 Cts. 

3ay's American Ready-Reckoner, containing Tables for 

rapid calculations of Aggregate Values, Wages, Salaries, Board, lv: 
Money, &c, &c. Also, Tables of Timber, Plank, Board and Lo 
ments, with full explanations how to measure them, either by the square 
foot (beard measure), cubic "foot (timber measure, &0. Bound 

Price 50 ctf, 

Bound "in cloth • 75 ctft 



Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed 
Spencer's Book of Comic Speeches and Humorous Eecita* 

tlOllS A. collection of Comic Speeches and Dialogues, Humorous Prose and 
Poetic il Recitations, Laughable Dramatic Scenes and Burlesques, and Ec- 
centric Characteristic Soliloquies and Stories. Suitable tor School Exhibi- 
tions f.nd Evening" Entertainments. Edited by Albert J. Spencer. This 
is the :est book of Comic Recitations that has ever been published, and 
comm i.ids a large sale on account of its real merit. It is crammed full of 
Comic Poetry, Laughable Lectures, Irish and Dutch Stories, Yankee Yarna, 
Negro Burlesques, Short Dramatic Scenes, Humorous Dialogues, and all 
kinds of Funny Speeches. 

Pape" covers. Price 30 ct& 

Bound in boards, cloth back * ... .50 Ct& 

Sffarache's Manual Of Chess. Containing a description of 

the Board &rd the Pieces, Chess Notation, Technical Terms with diagrams 
illustrating inem, Relative Value of the Pieces, Laws of the Game, General 
Observations on the Pieces, Preliminary Games for Beginners, Fifty Open- 
ings of Games, giving all the latest discoveries of Modern Masters, with 
"best games and copious notes. Twenty Endings of Games, showing easiest 
ways of effecting Checkmate. Thirty-six ingenious Diagram Problems, 
and Sixteen cuikms Chess Stratagems. To which is added a Treatise on 
the Games of Backgammon, Russian Backgammon and Dominoes, the 
whole being one it the best Books for Beginners ever published. By N. 
Maiiache, Chess Editor of "Wilkes' Spirit of the Times." 

Bound in boards, ck Or back. Price. . . . , 50 ctS. 

Cloth, gilt side v , » 75 c tg. 

Martine's Sensible Letter Writer ; Being a comprehensive 

and complete Guide anv\ Assistant for those who desire to carry on Episto- 
lary Correspondence ; Containing a large collection of model letters, on tha 
simplest matters of life, adapted to all ages and conditions, 

EMBRACING, 



Letters of Courtesy, Friendship and 
Afl'ecticn ; 

Letters of Condolence and Sympathy ; 

A Choice Collection of Love Letters, fat 
Every Situation in a Courtship ; 

Notes of Ceremony, Familiar Invita- 
tions, etc., together with. Notes of Ac* 
ceptancc and Regret. 



Business Latters ; 

Applications for Employmet f, with 
Letter* of Recommendation, and An- 
swer." to Advertisements ; 
Letters beliveen Parents and Children ; 
Letters of Friendly Counsel and Re- 
monstrance ; 
Letters soliciting Advice, Assistance 

and Friendly Favors ; 
The whole containing 300 Sensible Letters and Notes. This is an invalua- 
ble book for those persons who have not had sufficient practice to enabL 
them to write letters without great effort. It contains such a variety oi 
letters, that models may be found to suit every subject", Bound in boards, 

with illuminated cover and cloth back, 207 pages. P*ice -50 CtS» 

Bound in cloth 75 ct& 

^he Perfect Gentleman, A book of F-tiquette and Elo- 

■ quencQ. Containing Information and Instruction for those who desire to 
become brilliant or conspicuous in General Society, oi at Parties, Dmner% 
or Popular Gatherings, etc. It gives directions how to use wine at table,. 
With Rules for judging the quality thereof, Rules for Carving, and a com~ 
plete Etiquette of the Dinner Table, including Dinner Speeches, Toasts) 
and Sentiments, Wit and Conversation at Table, etc. It has also an 
American Code of Etiquette and Politeness for all occasions. Model 
Speeches, with Directions how to deliver them. Duties of the Chairman 
at Public Meetings. Forms of Pre^Jibles and Resolutions, etc. It is a 
handsomely bound a»d gilt "^ol^mo of 335 rjages. 
Price ,..,»., -,.' ».. %\ 50 



Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. 

*— ~ ■ — — 

Hiilgrove's Bail-room Guide and Complete Dancing-mas- 

ter. Containing a plain treatise on Etiquette and Deportment at I 
and Parties, with valuable hints on Dress and the Toilet, tog 
explanations of the Rudiments, Terms, Figures and Steps used in 
including clear and precise instructions how to dance all .. 
nlles, Waltzes, Polkas, Redowas, Reels, Round, Plain and Fan 
so that any person may learn them without the aid of a teacher ; to . 
is added, easy directions for calling- out the Figures of every dance, and 
amount of Music required for each. The whole illustrated with l: 
senptive engravings and diagrams. By Thomas Hillgbove, Professor of 
Dancing. 

'Bound in cloth, -with gilt side and back. Price §1 £Q 

y Bound in boards, doth back ."..*.*. 75 C £a 

Wright's Book of 3,000 American Receipts; or, Lighu 

Bouse of Valuable Information. Containing over 3,000 Receipts in all the 
Useful and Domestic Arts— including Cooking, Confectionery, Distillino-, 
Perfumery, Chemicals, Varnishes, Dyeing, Agriculture, etc. Embracing 
valuable secrets that cannot be obtained from any other source. No exer- 
tion or expense has been spared to make this work as comprehensive and 
accurate as possible. Many Receipts will be found in it that have never 
before appeared in print in this country. Some idea may be formed of its 
value in the latter respect, when it is stated that the compiler has been lor 
many years engaged in collecting rare and valuable Receipts from numer- 
ous languages besides the English. This is by far the most valuable Ameri- 
can Receipt Book that has ever been published. 
12mo., cloth, 359 pages. Price gl 50 

The Modern Pocket Hoyle. Containing all the Games of 
Skill and Chance, as played in this country at the present time ; being an 
*' authority on all disputed points." By " Thumps." This valuable mai 
is all original, or thoroughly revised, from the best and latest authorities, 
and includes the laws and complete directions for playing one hundred and 
eleven different games, comprising Card games, Chess, Checkers, Dominoes, 
Backgammon, Dice, Billiards, and all the Field Games. 3S8 pages. 

Paper covers. Price. . . 50 cts. 

Bound in boards, cloth back - 75 cts. 

Bound in cloth, gilt side and back SI 25 

Richardson's Monitor of Free-Masonry. A Complete 

Guide to the various Ceremonies and Routine in Free-Mason"s Lodges, 
Chapters, Encampments, Hierarchies, etc., in all the Degrees, whether 
Modern, Ancient, Ineffable, Philosophical or Historical. Containing, also, 
the Signs, Tokens, Grips, Pass-words, Decorations, Drapery, Dresc 
and Jewels, in each Degree. Profusely illustrated with Explanatory En- 
gravings, Plans of the Interior of Lodges, etc, Bj Jaeez Richa&DSOV, 
A. M. A book of 185 pages. 

Bound in paper covers* Price ■ 75 cts. 

j Bound and gilt ., $1 25 x 

llarey and Knowlson's Complete Horse-tamer and Far- 

\ rier. A New and Improved Edition, containing Mr. Rarey's whole & 
of Subduing and Breaking Vicious Horses, together with his Impr 
Plan of Managing Young Colts, and breaking them to the Saddle, the 
Harness and the Sulky, with Rules lor selecting a pood Horse, for Pet ding 
Horses, etc. Also, The Complete Farrier; cr, Horse Doctor; a Guide 
for the Treatment of Horses in all Diseases to which that noble animal is 
liable, being the result ot fifty years' extensive practice of the autl 
John C. Knowlson, during his* life an English Farrier of high populai 
containing the latest discoveries in the Cure of Spavin. Illustrated with, 
tescriptive Engravings. 
Bound in boards, cloth back. P**«~ ,..- 50 otft 



Popular Books sent Fre e of Postage at the Prices annexed. 

Book Of Household Pets. Containing valuable instructions 
about the Diseases, Breeding, Training and Management of the Canar- 
Mockmg Bird, Brown Thrush, or Thrasher, and other birds, and the rearing 
and management of all kinds ot Pigeons and Fancy Poultry, Rabbits, Squir- 
rels, Guinea Pigs White Mice, and Dogs ; together with a Comprehensive 
Treatise on the Principle and Management of the Salt and l<resh Watea 
Aquarium. Illustrated with 123 fine wood-cuts. 

Bound in boards. Price ca ftf ~ 

Bound in cloth, gilt side .7.7.7.'.' ...7.7. .7.7.7.7. 75 cts! 

Athletic Sports for Boys. A Eepository of Graceful Re- 
creations for Youth, containing clear and complete instructions in Gymnas- 
tics, Limb Exercises. Jumping, Pole Leaping, Dumb Bells, Indian Clubs, 
Parallel Cars, the Horizontal Bar, the Trapeze, the Suspended Ropes, Skat- 
ing, Swimming, Kowing, Sailing, Horsemanship, Riding, Driving, Angling, 
Fencing and Broadsword. The whole splendidly illustrated with 194 fina 
wood-cuts and diagrams. 

Bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 75 cts 

Bound in cloth, gilt side SI 00 

The Play-Ground ; cr, Out-Door Games for Boys. A Book of 
Healthy Recreations for Youth, containing over a hundred Amusements, 
including Games of Activity and Speed ; Games with Toys, Marbles, Tops, 
Hoops, Kites. Archery, Balls ; with Cricket, Croquet and Base-Ball. Illus- 
trated with 124 wood-cuts. Bound in boards. Price 50 cts- 

Bound in cloth, gilt side 75 eta. 

The above three books are abridged from the " American Boy's Book ot 
Bports and Games." 

The Young' Reporter ; or, Uow to Write Short-Hand. A com- 
plete Phonographic Teacher, intended to afford thorough instruction to 
those who have not the assistance of an Oral Teacher. By the aid of this 
work, any person of the most ordinary intelligence may learn to write Short- 
Hand, and Report Speeches and Sermons in a short time. Bound in boards, 
with cloth back. Price • 50 cts. 

Barton's Comic Recitations and Humorous Dialogues. 

Containiug a variety of Comic Recitations in Prose and Poetry, Amusing 
Dialogues, Burlesque Scenes, Eccentric Orations and Stump Speeches, Hu- 
morous Interludes and Laughable Farces. Designed for School Commence- 
ments and Amatevr Theatricals. Edited by Jerome Barton. This is the 
best collection of Humorous pieces, especially adapted to the parlor stage, 

that has ever been published. Illuminated paper cover. Price 30 cts* 

Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 Cta 

The Secret Out; or, One Thousand Tricks with Cards, and 

other Recreations. Illustrated with over Three Hundred Engravings. A 
book which explains all the Tricks and Deceptions with Playing Cards ever 
"known, and gives, besides, a great many new ones— the whole being de- 
scribed so carefully, with engravings to illustrate them, that anybody can 
easily learn how 1*> perform them. This work also contains 240 ot the best 
Tricks in Legerdemain, in addition to the card tricks. 12mo-, 400 pages. 
bound in cloth, with gilt side and back. Price SI 50 

The American Card Player. Containing clear and compre- 
hensive directions for playing the games of Euchre, Whist, Bezique, All Fours 
French Fours, Cribbage, Cassino, Straight and Draw Poker, Whisky Poker 
and Commercial Pitch, together with all the laws of those Games. 150 pasres, 

bound in boards, with cloth back. Price = 50 et3. 

,Bonji/Iin.<»loth «ili side t e ►,.«.-.. ..,^ ""^Cttl, 






PopaLur Bocfes sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. 
* ■* ■ » *. ■ ' . — 

ffhe Mishaps and Adventures of Obadiah Oldbuck. Where- 
in are set forth the Crosses, Chagrins. Calamities, Checks, Chills, tho 
Changes, Circumgyrations, by which his Courtship was attended. Knowing 
also, the issue of Jus suit, and his Espousal to bis Lady Lore. This humor- 
ous and curious book sots forth with 188 comic drawings, the misfortunes 
which befell Mr. Oldbuck : and also his live unsuccessful attempts to com' 
mit suicide — hi3 hairbreadth escapes from lire, water and famine — his all -c- 
tion i it his poor dog, etc. To look over this book will make you laugh and 
you can't help it. Price 30 cts. 

Barber's American Book of Ready-Made Speeches. Con- 
taining 159 original examples of humorous and serious Speeches, suitable 
for the following* occasions : Presentation Speeches, Convivial Speeches.) 
Festival {Speeches, Addresses of Welcome, Addresses of Congratulation and* 
Compliment, Political {Speeches, Dinner and Supper Speeches, for Clu!>s, 
Associations, etc. ; Trade Banquets, etc. ; Off-hand Speeches on a variety 
of subjects ; together with appropriate lleplies to each. To which are added, 
Resolutions of Compliment, Congratulation and Condolence, and a variety 
of Toasts and Sentiments for Public and Private Entertainments. 

Paper cover. Price 50 cts # 

Bound in boards, cloth back 7 5 cis. 

Allyn's Ritual of Freemasonry. Containing a Complete 

Key to the following Degrees: Degree of Entered Apprentice ; Degree of 
Fellow Craft; Degree of Master Mason ; Degree of Mark Master; Degree 
of Past Master; Degree of Excellent Master; Degree of Royal Arch; 
Royal Arch Chapter ; Degree ol" Royal Master; Degree of Select Master ; 
Degree of Super-Excellent Master ; Degree of Ark and Dove ; Degree of 
Knights of Constantinople. Degree of Secret Monitor; Degree of Heroi no 
of Jericho ; Degree of Knights of" Three Kings ; Mediterranean Pass ; Order 
of Knights of the Bed. Cross ; Order of Knights Templar and Knights of 
Malta; Knights of the Christian Mark, and Guards of the Conclave; 
Knights of the Holy Sepulchre ; The Holy and Thrice Illustrious Order of 
the Cross; Secret Master; Perfect Master; Intimate Secretary; Provost 
and Judge; Intendant of the Buildings, or Master in Israel; Elected 
Knights of Nine; Elected Grand Master; Sublime Knights Elected; 
Grand Master Architect ; Knights of the Ninth Arch ; Grand Elect, Per- 
fect and Sublime Mason. Illustrated with 38 copper-plate engravings ; to 
which is added, a Key to the Phi Beta Kappa, Orange, and OJd Fellows') 
Societies. By Avery Allyn, K. B. C. K. T. K. M., etc. 12mo, cloth. 
Price $5 OO 

Charley White's Joke Book. Being a perfect Casket of 

Fun, the first and only work of the kind ever published. Containing a fnll 
expose of all the most laughable Jokes, Witticisms, etc., as told by the 
celebrated Ethiopian Comedian, CHARLES WHITE ; "\\ ith full-page illustra- 
tions of his most popular characters. 94 pages. Price Uj cu. 

Black Wit and Darkey Conversations. By Chai 

White. Containing a large collection of laughable Anecdotes, Jokes, 
Stories, "Witticisms, and Darkey Conversations. Illustrated with cuts of 
the comedian in his best delineations 12 cts. 

Mother Shipton's Fortune Teller; or, Future Fate foretold 

by tbpPlanets. Being the 900 Answers of Pythagoras to the Qn »tions of 
Lite's Destiny. Derived from the Mystic Numbers and Letters i 
Planets. Containing the Emblematic and .Mystical Wheel of Fortune 
Fate, beautifully colored. Also, containing tho Moon's good and evil influ- 
ences on Mankind, compiled from the most ancient authorities, by tho 
Astrologer of tho 19th Century. lfnno, 115 pages. Illuminated mipi-r 
©over 30 els. 



Pc^hff Boofesseiit Free of Pcfetagre at the Priced a fttt^ac^d, 
Day's Book-keeping Without a Master. Containing th# 

Rudiments of Book-keeping in Single and Double Entry, together with the 
proper Forms and Rules tor opening and keeping Condensed and General 
Book Accounts. This work is printed in a beautiful script type, and benco 
combines tho advantages of a handsome style of writing with its very sim- 
ple and easily understood lessons in Book-keeping. It presents & facsimile 
of a handsomely written set of account books — on a small scale, it is true, 
but very neat and pretty. This will enable the learner to improve his 
hand-writing, while perfecting himself as an expert, or first-class account- 
ant — which is done by frequent practice. The book exhibits all the differ- 
ent forms of Accounts, Balance Sheets, Trial-Balance, Commercial and 
Monetary Letters, Drafts, Notes, Credits, Orders, Inquiries, Replies, etc., 
etc., arranged in the script type exactly as they should be written for busi- 
ness purposes. This feature makes the work invaluable as a b#ok of refer- 
ence. The several pages have explanations at the bottom, to assist tho 
learner, in small type. As a pattern for opening book-accounts it is especi- 
ally valuable — particularly for those who are not well posted in the art. 
Day's Book-keeping is tho size of a regular quarto Account Book, and is 
made to lie fiat open, for convenience in use. Piice 50 Cts. 

Blank Books for Day's Book-keeping*. We have for sale 

Books of 96 pages each, ruled according to the patterns mentioned on page 
3 of Day's Book-keeping, suitablo for practice of the learner, viz. : No. 1 — 
For General Book-keeping, pages 4 and 5; for Cash Account on page 13; 
for Day Book in Single EntryT pages 15 to 25. !No 2 — For Condensed Ac- 
counts' pages 9 and 10 ; for Cash Accounts, pa^e 12 ; for Journal in Double 
Entry, pages 34 to 43. No. 3 — For Ledgers in Double or Single Entry, 
pages 2G to 44. Priee, each 50 CtS. 

How to Write a Composition. This original work will 

be found a valuablo aid in writing a composition on any topic. It lava 
down plain directions for the division of a subject into its appropriate heads, 
and for arranging them in their natural order, commencing with the simplest 
theme and advancing progressively to the treatment of more complicated 
subjects. The use of this excellent hand-book will save the student tha 
manv hours of labor too often wasted in trying to write a plain composition. 
It aiibrds a perfect skeleton of each subject, with its headings or divisions 
clearly denned, and each heading filled in with the ideas which the subject 
suggests ; so that all the writer has to do, in order to produce a good com- 
position, is to enlarge on them to suit his taste and inclination. 
Bound in boards, cloth back. Price 50 Cts. 

Uugent's Burlesque and Musical Acting Charades. Contain- 
ing ten Charades, all in different styles, two of which are easy and effective 
Comic Parlor Operas, with Music and Pianoforte Accompaniments. These 
Plays require no scenery, and the dialogue is short, witty, and easy to learn. 
To each Charade will be found an introductory note, containing hints for its 

performance. Paper cover. Price 30 CtS- 

Bound in boards, cloth back 50 Cts» 

Snipsnaps and Snickerin^s of Simon Snodgrass. Theso 

funny and amusing stories are illustrative of Irish Drolleriesr'Ludicrot?^ Dutch 
Blunders, Yankee Tricks and Dodges, Backwoods Boasting, Negro Comi- 
calities, Perilous Pranks of Fighting Men, Frenchmen's Queer Mistakes, 
and other phases of eccentric character to make a complete Medley of Wit 
and Humor. Full of funny engravings. Price 25 CtS- 

The Strange and Wonderful Adventures of Bachelor But- 
terfly. Showing his Hairbreadth Escapes from fire and cold — , 
his being come over by a Widow with nine small children — and his firm i 
endurance of these and other perils of a most extraordinary nature. The 
wiwic illustrated l^y about 800 engravings. Price. .,„,...... 30 cto. 



Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. 
The Art and Etiquette of Making Love, a Manual of Love, 

Courtship and Matrimony. Containing sensible advice in relation to all the 
delicate situations and perplexing circumstances incidental to the tender 
passion from the commencement of a courtship until after marriage ; to- 
gether with the duties to be fiiltilled and the points of etiquette to be ob- 
served by bridesmaids and groomsmen, and all other details of the 
wedding ceremony ; with many curious things concerning matrimony and 
its consequences ; including a complete system of love telegraphy and'hand- 
kerchief flirtations, and a choice collection of sensible letters, suitable for all 
the contingencies of love and courtship ; also, practical remarks on bashful- 
ness, its prevention and cure. If young ladies or gentlemen want to know : 

How to cure bashfulness, 

How to commence a courtship, . 

Sow to carry on a handkerchief flirtation, 

Sow to please a sweetheart or lover, 

How to write a love-letter, 

Mow to " pop the question," 

How to act before and after a proposal, 

How to accept or reject a proposal, 

How to break off an engagement, 

How to act after an engagement, 

How to act as bridesmaid or groomsman, 

How the etiquette of a ivedding and the after reception should be observed, 
And in fact, how to fulfill every duty, and meet every contingency connected 
with courtship and matrimony, they will find it all clearly explained in this 

book. Large 16mo , 176 pages, paper cover. Price SO Cts. 

Bound in boards, cloth back. Price 50 cts. 

The Amateur Trapper and Trap-Maker's Guide, a com- 
plete and carefully prepared treatise on the art of Trapping, vSnaring and 
Netting ; containing plain directions for constructing the most approved 
Traps, Snares, Nets, and Dead- Falls ; the best methods of applying them to 
their various purposes ; and the most successful Baits for attracting all kinds 
of Animals, Birds, &c, with their special uses in each case; introducing, also, 
practical receipts for preparing Skins and "Furs for Market, and for Tanning 
them for future use ; with concise but comprehensive instructions for Pre- 
serving and Stuffing specimens of Birds and Animals in the most natural and 
durable manner. The entire work is based on the experience of the most 
successful Trappers, and on information derived from other authentic pro- 
fessional sources. By Stanley Harding. This comprehensive work is 
embellished with fifty well drawn and engraved illustrations ; and these, 
together with the clear explanations which accompany them, will enable 
anybody of mo lerate comprehension to make and set any of the traps de- 
scribed. It also gives the baits usually employed by the most successful 
Hunters and Trappers, and exposes their secret' methods of attracting and 
catching animals, birds, &c, with scarcely a possibility of failure. Large 

16mo., paper covers. Price 50 ct?. 

Bound in boards, cloth back 75 cts. 

Very Little Dialogues for Very Little Folks. Containing 

forty-seven new and original dialogues, with short and easy parts, almost 
entirely in words of one syllable, suited to the capacity and comprehension 
of very young children. This work has been issued because it was demanded 
by thousands of parents and teachers who have long felt the need of such a 
book. There are plenty of little boys and girls who want to "speak a 
piece," and here is a book fall of exactly what they require— short and easy 
dialogues, made up of short, easy parts, on subjects that their little minds 
can thoroughly understand, so that the speakers will tind no difficulty in 
committing their respective parts to memory, even before they have learned 

to road. Paper covers. Price 30 cts. 

Bound in boards, cloth back 50 cts. 



Popular Books sent Freo of Postage at the Prices annexed 
Howard's Book of Drawing-Room Theatricals, A collec* 

tion of twelve short and amusing plays in one act and one scene, specially, 
adapted ior private performances ; with practical directions, lor their 
preparation and management. Some of the plays are adapted ior per- 
formers of one sex only. This book is just what is wanted by those who 
purpose getting up an entertainment of private theatricals : it contains all 
the necessary instructions for insuring complete success. 180 pages. 

Paper cover. Price , 30 cts» 

Bound in boards with cloth back 50 c ^; 

Hudson's Private Theatricals for Home Performance. A 

collection of Humorous Plays suitable for an Amateur Entertainment, with 
directions how to carry out a performance successfully. Some of the plays 
in this collection are adapted for performance by males only, others require 
only females for the cast, and ail of them are in one scene and one act, and 
may be represented in any moderate sized parlor, without much prepara- 
tion of costume or scenery. 180 pages. 

Paper covers. Price 30 c tg. 

Bound in boards with cloth back 50 ets. 

The Art of Dressing Well. By Miss S. A. Frost. This 

book is designed for ladies and gentlemen who desire to make a favorable 
impression upon society, and is intended to meet the requirements of any 
season, place, or time ; to offer such suggestions as will be valuable to those 
just entering society ; to brides, for whose guidance a complete trousseau 
is described ; to persons in mourning' ; indeed, to every individual who pays 
attention to the important objects of economy, style, and propriety of cos- 
tume 188 pages. 

Paper covers. Price 30 c f;g. 

Bound in boards, cloth back 50 c fe 

How to Amuse an Evening Party. A complete collection. 

of Home Recreations, including Round Games, Forfeits, Parlor Magic, 
Puzzles, and Comic Diversions ; together with a great variety of Scientific 
Recreations and Evening Amusements. Profusely illustrated with nearly 
two hundred fine woodcuts. Here is family amusement for the million. 
Here is parlor or drawing-room entertainment, night after night, for a 
whole winter. A young man with this volume may render himself the bran 
ideal of a delightful companion at every party. lie may take the lead in 
amusing the company, and winrthe hearts of all the ladies, and charm away 
the obduracy of the stoniest-hearted parent, by his powers of entertainment. 

Bound in ornamental paper cover. Price 30 cts. 

Bound in boards, with ciothback 50 cts- 

Martine's Droll Dialogues and Laughable Recitations. 

t By Arthur Martine, author of " Martine's Letter- Writer," etc., etc. A 
: collection of Humorous Dialogues, Comic Recitations, Brilliant Burlesques, 
Spirited Stump Speeches, and Ludicrous Parces, adajjted for School Cele- 
brations and Home Amusement. 183 pages. 

Paper covers. Price 30 CtSr 

Bound in boards, with cloth back „50 ctSa 

Frost's Humorous and Exhibition Dialogues This is a 

collection of sprightly original Dialogues, in Prose and Verse, intended to 
be spoken at School Exhibitions. Some of the pieces are for boys, some fof 
girls, while a number are designed to be used by both sexes. The Dialogued 
are all good, and will recommend themselves to those who desire to hava 
innocent fun— the prevailing feature at a school celebration. 180 pages. 

Paper cover. Price .30 cts- 

Borrnd in boards .-..,. .50 et& 



Popular Books eent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. 



What Shall We Do To-Night? or, Social Amusements for 
Evening Parties. This Elegant Book affords an almost inexhaustible 
fund of Amusement for Evening Parties, Social Gatherings, and ali J-'os- 
tive Occasions, ingeniously grouped together *o as to furnish complete and. 
ever-varying entertainment tor Twenty-six Evenings. Its repertoire era- 
braces ail the best Bound and Forfeit Games, clearly described and ren- 
dered perfectly plain by original and amusing examples ; interspersed w ith 
a great variety of Ingenious Puzzles, Entertaining Tricks, ami Innocent 
Sells; new and original Musical and Poetical Pastimes, Startling Illu- 
sions, and Mirth-provoking Exhibitions ; including complete directions and 
text for performing Charades, Tableaux, Parlor Pantomimes, the w orld- 
f renowned Punch and Judy, Gallanty Shows, and original Shadow Panto- 
mimes ; also, full information for the successful performance of Dramatic 
Dialogues and Parlor Theatricals, with a selection of Original Flays, etc, 
written expressly for this work. It is embellished with over one hundred 
descriptive and "explanatory engravings, and contains 3G6 pages, printed 
on tine toned paper. 12mo, bound in extra cloth $2.00 

How To Conduct a Debate. A Series of Complete, Debates, 
Outlines of Debates, and Questions for Discussion ; with references to the 
"best sources of information on each particular topic. In the Complete 
Debates, the questions for discussion are defined, the debate formally 
opened, an array of brilliant arguments adduced on either side, and the 
debate closed according to Parliamentary usages. The second part con- 
gists of Questions for Debate, with heads of arguments, for and against, 
given in a condensed form for the speakers to enlarge upon to suit their 
own fancy. In addition to these are a large collection of good Debatable 
Questions. The authorities, to be referred to for information, being given 
at the close of every debate throughout the work. By Frederic Ilowton. 

232 pages, lGmo, paper cover 50 Cts. 

Bound in boards, cloth back 75 Cts. 

McBride's Comic "Dialogues for School Exhibitions and Lit- 
erary Entertainments. A collection of original Humorous Dialogues, eg* 
pecially designed for the development and display of Amateur Dramatic 
Talent, and introducing a varietv of sentimental, sprightly, comic, and 
genuine Yankee characters. By H. Elliott McBride. 16mo, illuminated 

paper cover 30 Cts. 

Bound in boards 50 Cts. 

The Fireside Magician: or, TJie Art of Natural Magic made 

Easy— being a familiar and scientific explanation of Legerdemain. Physi- 
cal Amusement, Recreative Chemistry, Diversions with Cards, and of all 
the minor mysteries of Mechanical Magic, with feats as performed in pub- 
lic by Herr Alexander and Robert Houdin. 132 pages, lbmo, illuminated 

paper cover. 30 cts. 

Bound in boards, cloth back 50 Cts, 

i Frost's Original Letter- Writer, and Laws and By-Laws of 

American Society Combined. Being a complete collection ol original 
Letters and Notes upon every imaginable subject of every -day life, and a 
condensed but thorough treatise on Etiquette, and its usages in A \ 
This work includes a dictionary of synonyms especially adapted for the u-o 
of correspondents. By S. A. Frost. lbmo, 378 pages, extra doth, 
gilt : 51.50 

Row's Complete Fractional Ready Reckoner. For buy- 
ing and selling anv kind of merchandise, giving the fractional pall 
pound, yard, etc., from one quarter to one thousand, ut any price from *»*• 
quarter of a cent to five dollars. By Nelson Kow. 
36mo, 232 pugea. Boards . . . . • 50 Ct& 



Popular Books sent Tree of Postage at the Prices annexed. 
Brudder Bones' Book of Stump Speeches and Burlesque 

Orations. Also containing Humorous Lectures, Ethiopian Dialogues, Plan- 
tation Scenes, Negro Farces and Burlesques, Laughable Interludes and Com- 
ic Recitations, interspersed with Dutch, Irish, French and Yankee Stories. 
Compiled and edited by John F. Scott. This book contains some of the 
best hits of the leading negro delineators of the present time, as well as 
mirth-provoking jokes and repartees of the most celebrated End-Men of the 
day, and specially designed for the introduction of fun in an evening's en- 
tertainment. Paper covers. Price 30 cts. 

Bound in boards, illuminated 50 cts. 

Frost's Original Letter- Writer. A complete collection of 

Original Letters and Notes, upon every imaginable subject of E very-Day 
Lite, with plain directions about everything connected with writing a letter. 
Containing Letters of Introduction, Letters on Business, Letters answering 
Advertisements, Letters of Itccornmendation, Applications for Employment, 
Letters of Congratulation, of Condolence, of Friendship and .Relationship, 
Love Letters, Notes of Invitation, Notes Accompanying Gifts, Letters of 
Favor, of .Advice, and Letters of Excuse, together with an appropriate 
answer to each. The whole embracing three hundred letters and notes. By 
8. A. Fkost, author of " The Parlor Stage,'' " Dialogues for Young Folks," 
etc. To which is added a comprehensive Table of Synonyms alone worth 
double the price asked for the book. This work is not a rehash of English 
writers, but is entirely practical and original, and suited to the wants ot the 
American public. We assure our readers that it is the best collection of 
letters ever published in this country. Bound in boards, cloth back, vith 
illuminated sides. Price 50 cts. 

Inquire Within for Anything you Want to Know ; or, Over 

3,700 Facts for the People. " Inquire Within " is one of the most valuable 
and extraordinary volumes ever presented to the American public, and 
embodies nearly 4,000 facts, in most of which any person will find instruc- 
tion, aid and entertainment. It contains so many valuable reeipes, that 
an enumeration of them requires seventy-two columns of fine type for the 
index. Illustrated. 436 large pages. Price $150 

The Sociable ; or, One Thousand ami One Home Amusements. 

Containing Acting Proverbs, Dramatic Charades, Acting Charades .Tableaux 
Vivants, Parlor Games and Parlor Magic, and a choice collection of Puzzles, 
etc., illustrated with nearly 300 Engravings and Diagrams, the whole being 
a fund of never-ending entertainment. By the author of the " Magician's 
Own Book." Nearly 400 pages, 12 mo. cloth, gilt side stamp. Price. .$150 

Martine's Hand-Book of Etiquette and Guide to True Po- 
liteness. A complete Manual for all those who desire to understand good 
breeding, the customs of good society, and to avoid incorrect and vulgaf 
habits. Containing clear and comprehensive directions for correct manners, 
conversation, dress, introductions, rules for good behavior at Dinner Parties 
and the table, with hints on wine and carving at the table ; together with 
Etiquette of the Bail and Assembly Room, Evening Parties, and the usages 
to be observed when visiting or receiving calls; deportment in the street 
and when travelling. To which is added the Etiquette of Courtship and 

Marriage. Bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 50 cts* 

Jk>un<? ..n cloth, gilt side 75 Cts. 

Bay's American Ready-Reckoner, containing Tables for 

rapid calculations of Aggregate Values, Wages, Salaries, Board, Interest 
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ments, with full explanations how to measure them, either by the square 
foot (beard measure), cubic 'foot (timber measure), &c. Bound in boards. 

Prie« 50ct& 

&&tmd tn cloth •. 75 Cts. 






I 



Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. 
Martine's Letter-writer and Etiquette Combined. Fo? 

the use of Ladies and Gentlemen. 12mo., cloth, gilt side and back. A 
great many books have been printed on the subject of etiquette and cor- 
rect behavior in society, but none of them are sufficiently comprehensive 
and matter-of-fact enough to suit the class of people who may be called 
new beginners in fashionable life. This book is entirely different from 
othersin that respect. It explains in a plain, common-sense way, precisely 
how to conduct yourself in every position in society. This book also contains 
over 300 sensible letters and notes suitable to every occasion in life, and is 
probably the best treatise on Letter-writing that has ever been printed. It 
gives easily understood directions that are brief and to the point, it has 
some excellent model letters of friendship and business, and its model 
Love Letters are unequaled. If any lady or gentleman desires to know 
how to begin a love correspondence, this is just the book they want. This 
volume contains the same matter as " Martine'a Hand-book of Etiquette," 
and " Martine's Sensible Letter-writer," and, in fact, combines those two 
books bound together in one substantial volume of 373 pages $1 50 

BOW'S National Wages Tables. Showing at a glance the 
amount of wages, from half an hour to sixty hours, at from $1 to §37 per 
week. Also from one-quarter of a day to four weeks, at $1 to $37 per 
per week. By Nelson E,ow. By this book, which is particularly useful 
when part of a week, day, or hour is lost, a large pay-roll can be made out 
in a few minutes, thus saving more time in making out one pay-roll than 
the cost of the book. Every employer hiring help by the hour, day or 
week, should get a copy ; and every employee should also obtain one, as 
it will enable him to know exactly the amount of money he is entitled to on 

pay-day. 12mo, 80 pages. Half bound 60 cts. 

Cloth 75 cts. 

Roan Tuck • $1.00 

The Yoiing Reporter ; or, How to Write Short-Band. A com- 
plete Phonographic Teacher, intended to afford thorough instruction to 
those who have not the assistance of an Oral Teacher. By the aid of 
this work, any person of the most ordinary intelligence may learn to write 
Short-Hand, and report Speeches and Sermons in a short time. Bound in 
boards, with cloth back 50 cts. 

The Yankee Cook Book. A New System of Cookery. Con- 
taining hundreds of excellent receipts from actual experience in Cooking : 
also, full explanations in the art of Carving. 12b* pages. Illuminated 

paper cover 30 cts- 

Bound in boards, cloth back 50 Cts. 

Mother Shipton's Oriental Dream Book. Being a reliable 

Interpretation of Dreams, Visions, Apparitions, etc. Together with a his- 
- tory of remarkable Dreams, proven true as interpreted. Collected and ar- 
ranged from the most celebrated Masters. 16mo, 118 pages. Illuminated 
paper cover $ J cts. 

Jack Johnson's Jokes for the Jolly. A collection of As- 
tonishing Anecdotes, Weird Witticisms, Side-Splitting Stories, and 
Mirthful Morsels for the Melancholy. Providing a sure solaee for sad- 
ness, a balm for the blues, and ail active antidote against all aches. 
128 pages, 16mo. Illuminated paper cover 1 25 Cts. 

Day's Conversation Cards. A New Original Set, Compris- 
ing Eighteen Questions and Twenty-four Answers, so arranged that the 
pnole of the Answers are Apt Replies to each one of the Eighteen Questions, 
Ttt£ Set comprises forty-two -Cards in the aggregate, which are put up in 
laJj^ji^ijojQ^oase, with printed directions tor nset" 33 ctt. 



I 



Popular Books sent Free of Postage at the Prices annexed. 

•- — — . . __«/> 

The American Home Cook Book. Containing several lmn. 

dred excellent Recipes. The whole based on many years' experience of an 
American Housewife. Illustrated with Engravings. All the Becipee in 
this book me written from actual experiments in Cooking. There arc n^ 
copyings from theoretical cooking recipes. 

Bound in boards, cloth back. Price .50ctSL 

Bound in paper covers. Price , .39 C fo 

Amateur Theatricals and Fairy-Tale Dramas. A collection 

of original plays, expressly designed lor Drawing-room performance. By 
S. A. Frost. This work is designed to meet a want, which umg 

felt, of short and amusing pieces suitable to the limited stage ot the private 
parlor. The old friends of fairy-land will be recognized among the Fairy- 
Tale Dramas, newly clothed and arranged. 

Paper covers. Price 30 c tg. 

Bound in boards, with cloth back •-"-60 CtS, 

Parlor Tricks with Cards. Containing explanations of 
Tricks and Deceptions with Playing- Cards, embracing Tricks with < 
performed by Sleight-of-hand, by the aid of Memory, Mental Calculation 
and Arrangement of the Cards, by the aid ot Confederacy; and Tricks 
performed by the aid of Prepared Cards. The whole illustrated and made 
plain and easy, with 70 engravings. This book is an abridgmtnt of our 
large work, entitled " The Secret Out." 

Paper eo r'ers. Price 30 cts« 

Bound in boards, with cloth back 50 c tg, 

Chesterfield 1 s Letter-vrriter and Complete Book of Eti- 
quette; or -> Concise, Systematic Directions for Arranging and Writing Letters. 
Also, Model Correspondence in Friendship and Business, and a great variety 
Of. Model Love Letters. This work is also a Complete Book of Etiquette. 
There is more real information in this book than in half a dozen volumes 
of the most expensive ones. 
Bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 35 CtS. 

Prank Converse's Complete Banjo Instructor. Without a 

Master. Containing a choice collection of Banjo Solos, Hornpipes, Reels, 
Jigs, Walk Arounds, Songs, and Banjo Stories, progressively arranged and 
plainly explained. Bound in boards, with cloth back. Price 50 CtS. 

The Magician's Own Book. Containing several hundred 
amusing Sleight-of-hand and Card Tricks, Perplexing Puzzles, Entertain- 
ing Tricks and Secret Writing Explained. Illustrated with over 500 wood 
engravings. 1 2mo. , cloth, gilt side and back stamp. Price $1 50 

Berth's Book of Love Letters. With Directions how to 

write and when to use them, and 120 specimen Letters, suitable for Lovers 
of any age and condition, and under all circumstances. Interspersed with 
the author's comments thereon. The whole forming a convenient hand- 
book of valuable information and counsel for the use of those who need 
friendly guidance and advice in matters of Love, Courtship and Marriage. 
By Ingoldsby North. This book is recommended to all who are from any 
cause in doubt as to the manner in which they should write or reply to let> 
■ ters upon love and courtship. The reader will be aided in his thoughts— he 
will see where he is likely to please and where to displease, bow to begin 
and how to end his letter, and how to judge of those nice shades of express 
Eion and feeling concerning which a few mistaken expressions may create 
misunderstanding. All who wish not only to copy a love letter, but to learn 
the art of writing them, will find- North's book a very pleasant, sensible and 
friendly companion. It is an additional recommendation that the variety 

offered is very largo. Cloth. Price 75 CtS, 

Bound in boards .,,,,....... 50 eta 






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The Courtship and Adventures of Jonathan Homebred; 

or, The Scrapes and Escapes of a Live Yankee. Beautifully Illustrated. 
12mo., cloth. This book is printed in handsome style, on good paper, and 
■with amusing engravings. 
Price $15C 

the Wizard of the North's Hand-Book of Natural 

Magic. Being a series of the Newest Tricks of Deception, arranged for 
Amateurs and^Lovers of the Art. By Professor J. EL. Anderson, the great 
Wizard of the North. 
Price 25ctl, N 

Che Encyclopaedia of Popular Songs, Being a compila- 
tion of all the new and fashionable Patriotic, Sentimental, Ethiopian, 
Humorous, Comic and Convivial Songs, the whole comprising over 400 
songs. 
12mo., cloth, gilt. Price $1 35 

tony Tastor's Book of 600 Comic Songs and Speeches. 

Being an entire collection of all the Humorous Songs, Stump Speeches, 
Burlesque Orations, Funny Sceres, Comic Duets, Diverting Dialogues, and 
Local Lyrics, as sung and given by the unrivaled Comic Vocalist and Stump 
Orator, Tony Pastor. 
Bound in boards, cloth back $1 00 

Yale College Scrapes ; or, How the Boys Go It at New Haven. 
This is a book of 114 pages, containing accounts of all the noted and fa' 
mous " Scrapes " and " Sprees," of which students at Old Yale have been 

fuilty for the last quarter of a century, 
rice... 25 Cts. 

The Comic English Grammar ; or, A Complete Grammar of 

our Language, with Comic Examples. Illustrated with about fifty engrav- 
ings. Price * 25 Cts. 

The Comical Adventures of David Dufficks. Illustrated 

with over one hundred Funny Engravings. Large octavo. 

Price 25 Cts, 

Anecdotes Of Love. Being a true account of the most re- 
markable events connected with the History of Love in all Ages and among 
all Nations. By Lola Montez, Countess of Landsfeldt. 
Large 12mo., cloth. Price $1 50 

Tony Pastor's Complete Budget of Comic Songs. Con- 
taining a complete collection of the New and Original Songs, Burlesque 
Orations, Stump Speeches, Comic Dialogues, Pathetic Ballads, as sung and 
given by the celebrated Vocalist, Tony Pastor. 
Cloth, gilt. Price $1 29 

The Laughable Adventures of Messrs. Brown, Josies and 

Robinson Showing where they went and how they went ; what they did 

and how 'they did it. With nearly two hundred most thrillingly comic 

engravings. 

Price 30 cts. 

De Walden's Ball-Boom Companion; or, Dancing Made 

Eas^ A collection of the Fashionable Drawing-Room Dances, with fuU 
directions for dancing all the figures of " The German." By Emile De Wal- 
mc*, Professor of Etaneing. Bound in boards, cloth back 50 da 



Popular Song Books, sent Free of Postage. Price Ten Cents each. 
XEW SONG BOOKS. 

This list of Song Books contains all kinds of Songs, embracing Love, Sent* 
mental, Ethiopian, Scotch, Irish, Convivial, Comic, Patriotic, Pathetic, tu\4 
Dutch Songs, besides a great variety of Stump Speeches, Burlesque Oration*. 
Plantation Scenes, Irish, Dutch, and Yankee Stories, Comic Recitations, Co- 
nundrums and Toasts. 

jBARRY RICHMOND'S MY YOUNG WIFE AND I SONGSTER 10 Cta 

BARRY ROBINSON'S DON'T YOU WISH YOU WAS ME SONGSTER 10 " 

JJHNNY WILD'S WHAT AM I DOING SONGSTER 10 " 

BCTELL'S KU-KLUX-KLAN SONGSTER "l0 *♦ 

kFRANK KERN'S PRETTY LITTLE DEAR SONGSTER 10 " 

BARRY RICHMOND'S NOT-FOR-JOSEPH SONGSTER ' '10 " 

DAVE REED'S SALLY-COME-UP SONGSTER .""10 " 

THE ROOTLE-TUM TOOTLE-TUM TAY SONGSTER "10 " 

SAM SLICK'S YANKEE SONGSTER "l0 " 

CHAMPAGNE CHARLEY SONGSTER "l0 " 

JENNY ENGEL'S DEAR LITTLE SHAMROCK SONGSTER..'.'.*'.. *10 " 

BILLY EMERSON'S NEW COMIC SONGSTER "10 M 

BERRY'S LAUGH AND GROW FAT SONGSTER '10 " 

TONY PASTOR'S BOWERY SONGSTER *.'lC •• 

TONY PASTOR'S WATER-FALL SONGSTER .'10 " 

TONY PASTOR'S 444 COMBINATION SONGSTER 10 * 

TONY PASTOR'S OPERA-HOUSE SONGSTER 10 " 

TONY PASTOR'S CARTE DE VISITE SONGSTER 10 " 

TONY PASTOR'S GREAT SENSATION SONGSTER 10 M 

TON? PASTOR'S OWN COMIC VOCALIST 10 " 

TONY PASTOR'S COMIC IRISH SONGSTER 10 " 

TONY PASTOR'S COMIC SONGSTER 10 " 

TONY PASTOR'S UNION SONGSTER 10 " 

PADDYS THE BOY SONGSTER 10 " 

BONNY DUNDEE SONGSTER 10 " 

WILL CARLETONS DANDY PAT SONGSTER 10 " 

BILLY EMERSON'S NANCY FAT SONGSTER ...10 " 

HOOLEY'S OPERA HOUSE SONGSTER 10 " 

SAM SIIARPLEYS IRON-CLAD SONGSTER 10 " 

JOE ENGLISH'S COMIC IRISH SONGSTER 10 " 

RODY MAGUIRE'S COMIC VARIETY SONGSTER 10 " 

HARRY PELL'S EBONY SONGSTER 10 " 

FRANK BROWER'S BLaOK DIAMOND SONGSTER 10 " 

FRANK CONVERSE'S OLD CREMONA SONGSTER 10 " 

NELSE SEYMOUR'S BIG SHOE SONGSTER 10 " 

THE LANIGAN'S BALL SONGSTER 10 •* 

TOM MOORE'S IRISH MELODIES 10 " 

BILLY HOLMES' COMIC LOCALLYRICS 16 " 

FATTIE STEWART'S COMIC SONGSTER 10 •' 

CHRISTY'S BONES AND BANJO SONGSTER 10 • 

GEORGE CHRISTY'S ESSENCE OF OLD KENTUCKY 10." 

'CHRISTY'S NEW SONGSTER AND BLACK JOKER 10 " 

►THE CONVIVIAL SONGSTER 10 " 

•talART AND HOME SONGSTER 10 " 

BOB HART'S PLANTATION SONGSTER ...10 " 

? ILLY BIRCH'S ETHIOPIAN SONGSTER 10 " 
HB SHAMROCK: OR, SONGS OF IRELAND 10 " 

HARRISON'S COMIC SONGSTER 10 " 

THE CAMP-FIRE SONG BOOK 10 " 

THE CHARLEY O'MALLEY IRISH SONGSTER 10 *« 

FRED MAY'S COMIC IRISH SONGSTER 10 " 

THE LOVE AND SENTIMENTAL SONGSTER 10 " 

THE IRISH BOY AND YANKEE GIRL SONGSTER , 10 " 

THE FRISKY IRISH SONGSTER 10 " 

GUS SHAW'S COMIC SONGSTER 10 * 

WOOD'S MINSTREL SONG BOOK „ 10 u 

WOOD'S NEW PLANTATION MELODIF1S.. «-W ' 



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